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March 2009
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It's time for those New Year's resolutions. Maybe no group needs them more than the Dallas Cowboys. Here is what my resolutions would be if I were some Cowboys: Wade Phillips, head coach: I resolve to change. Change everything. But not my personality, coaching style, attitude or approach, after all I've been doing this for more than 30 years. But man I do need to change because if Jerry isn't going to change the coach the coach has to change. Jerry Jones, owner/president/general manager: Boy am I glad I own the Dallas Cowboys, because I'm pretty sure I'd be looking for work if I were just a g.m. So I resolve to give up control, hire a legitimate NFL general manager and just enjoy spending time in my new stadium not trying to micro-manage Xs and Os, or even socks and jocks. I did hire Wade and Jason and 13 other coaches for a reason. Jason Garrett, assistant head coach/offensive coordinator: I resolve to get out of town. Please, oh please, let me get the job coaching the win-less Lions. There are low expectations and I won't have to deal with so much drama. Terrell Owens, loquacious wide receiver: I resolve to keep my mouth shut. Tony Romo, turnover-prone quarterback: I resolve to hold on to the football. You know, like the running back (Omar Epps as Darnell Jefferson) in the 1993 movie "The Program," I'm going to take the ball with me everywhere: Cabo, red carpets, swanky night clubs, Journey concerts. Maybe then I can hold on to it during games. DeMarcus Ware, outside linebacker: I resolve to keep being a nice guy and one hell of a pass rusher and maybe get three more sacks next season. Adam "Pacman" Jones, oft-suspended cornerback/return man: I resolve to say out of trouble, just like I said I would when Jerry signed me -- well, minus that one night at the Joule Hotel. I also resolve to not fumble punts and kickoffs and to have a big return that involves more yardage up the field than from sideline-to-sideline. Kyle Kosier, guard: I resolve to get back on the football field, because clearly, the team falls apart when I'm not playing left guard. Brad Johnson, backup quarterback: I resolve to retire. An NFL quarterback who can't throw the ball is not in much demand, after all. Nick Folk, kicker, and L.P. Ladouceur, deep snapper: We resolve to continue being the best at what we do in the NFL, even if we often go unnoticed and under-appreciated. We also hope punter Mat McBriar can join us on this resolution list next year when he returns from his injury. 4 CommentsLeave a comment |
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I'd add, the fans resolve to be loyal Cowboys fans no matter what.
Here's mine:
Jerrah - I resolve to permanently park my derriere in the owners box (unless the team wins the Super Bowl, of course).
Wade - I resolve to stop making promises I can't keep. I won't change, but it doesn't matter, because I'm not the head coach.
Garrett - I resolve to focus on the running game, especially in situations where my QB has just turned it over for the third time.
Romo - I resolve to stop smiling. I know I look like an idiot.
Pacman - I resolve to change nothing, so keep an eye on the scrolling headlines during the offseason.
TO - I resolve to change nothing, but with the awareness that I'll look more and more lame with each passing month as my play no longer matches my words.
Fans - We resolve to probably keep supporting this team, but we're serving notice that it's not as easy as it used to be and we're crabby.
ESPN guru analysts - We resolve to stop trying to be the first to figure everything out and we further resolve to stop spreading rumors as hard news. We realize we're pretty stupid.
Tony Kornheiser - I resolve to shut up.
Jerry/Wade: You know what speed TO runs these days. If he's lost a step, as most of the press says, he doesn't need to be in the starting lineup. If he/Roy Williams are not finishing routes, resulting in interceptions, either fix the problem (Mr Fixit), or get these guys out of town. If their sucking the dollars away, yet not being a good return on the investment, get them out of here.
Romo: you're a good quarterback, but a bad gunslinger. Your confidence may be overshadowing your capabilities. Seriously, hypnosis may help.
Witten: You're the man, bubba. Playing hurt, getting yardage with your helmet ripped off. Romo has confidence in you because you are very reliable. We need 52 more of you.
Garrett: Mix it up--do a reverse, a flea flicker. Ray Lewis saying your offense is predictable should get under your skin. Throw in a little wildcat. And get Brad Johnson out of town on the next bus.
PacMan: Leave town. We inventoried the Valley Ranch china, so don't get any ideas.
Flozell Adams: Your trophy for being the most penalized player in the league is available online for $29.99. Now that your NFL career is over, have you considered working security at concerts?
hey . i just heard a "rumor" that the head coach might be hiring coach shannahan for the denver broncos . is that right .if it is?? i hope he stays there in dallas..