Do you remember your first crush, or your first kiss? Do you remember the first time your heart was broken (I do Chris Clem in the 8th grade – not that I’m still bitter or anything).
Although we call it puppy love, these feelings can be very intense for our kids. With Valentines Day around the corner, I interviewed child neurophychologist Dr. Pete Stavinoah. He offered some great insights into how parents can better manage our love-sick children.
Last year, my kindergartener dropped a bomb and announced that he had a girl friend. That declaration was met with a barrage of questions and intense interrogation. I wanted details! However, the only information he shared was that she had blond curly hair and a tan body (a disturbing description for a 6-year-old if you ask me).
As expected, his relationship was on-again and off-again with the final blow coming at Christmas break – they simply were going in two different directions (she went skiing and he went to grandmas).
Although he managed the sadness and rejection like a pro, it’s sometimes difficult to pep-up our heartbroken kids. Dr. Pete suggests the following:
1. Think back to your first heartbreak
Although it’s easy for us to minimize the heartbreak of our eight-year-old, it is important to remember that their emotions are intense and very real. Just remember the first time your heart was broken. It was difficult to believe our parents (who really didn’t know anything anyway) that life would go on. Be sensitive to their feelings and don’t underestimate their sadness.
2. Have realistic expectations of behavior
Their gonna sulk, and pout, and be your basic nightmare. A broken heart brings out the worst in all of us. However, these emotions are more intense when you combine them with facial hair, hormones, and other forms of puberty. Let’s face it, a teenager is bad enough – a love sick teenager is almost unbearable. Dr. Pete encourages us to give our kids a little slack and ease up on the discipline if their behavior is inconsistent with their normal attitude.
3. Wait for your kids to open up
Although I know you want nothing more than the full scoop on the romance, it may be more productive to wait for your kids to open up. Parents need to know who the love interest is, who her parents are, and apply appropriate boundaries before the first date. However, pressing your child for detailed information about his true feelings for his first love may be unrealistic.
4. Treat rejection as a problem-solving situation for your kids
Although it is tempting for parents to offer what we perceive as rational, sage advice for our forlorn children, unfortunately, your well-intentioned counsel will likely be met with rolling eyes and frustrated sighs. Instead use this opportunity to encourage your child to come up with solutions for dealing with heartache. Be there to listen and support, but avoid solving.
When all fails, use music as a method for processing feelings. Dust off a little Bonnie Taylor and have your child sing along to…
It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down
It's a fool's game
Nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain
Feeling like a clown
It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Loving till your arms break
Then he'll let you down
It ain't right with love to share
When you find he doesn't care for you
It ain't wise to need someone
As much as I depending on you
It's a heartache
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