I didn’t’ want to cry, because I felt crying would mean I believed that she already had cancer. There is always hope. There are always miracles. Doctors have been known to be wrong. I sure hoped this was one of those times.

Sunday, Jan 27th, 2008
I went to church with Sharon and Athena. Not so much because I felt closer to God there, but because I wasn’t sure what else to do. I had already contacted a Rabbi, Priest and Monk. Hey I wasn’t taking any chances and I figured they each had their own way of talking to God.

Jeannie and Joey come to visit. Showed mom shark and zip lining DVD from Jamaica. She smiled, “I’m glad you told me about this AFTER you got back. I would have had to say more novenas.”

Mom was in pain…on a scale of 1-10 she said it was a 10. She was now getting morphine shots for the pain.

Monday, Jan 28th, 2008
Got to hospital around 11. Kidney doctor stopped by and said that even though mom was admitted into ER with Reno Kidney failure she is better now. Finally some good news! He said putting her on the IV was the right move! (One for doctor Capo.)

While we were waiting for my mom to go to OR, my mom said to me.
“You know your dad has visited me 3x so far. Once at home, and twice here. Each time I feel him squeezing on my toe. I look down and no one is there…but I feel it and I know it’s him. He’s telling me I’ll be fine an that he is here.”
“Do you see his ghost?”
“No it’s just the squeeze and the feeling.”

At 2:30 mom was taken down to OR so the biopsy on the lump under her arm could be done. Mom and I visualized that she was fine.
She was scared that they might give her too much anesthesia and she wouldn’t come out. I told her she’d be fine. “Look Dad said you’d be fine, and plus last night Athena said to me in the kitchen, that she doesn’t know why but she feels in her heart that grandma will live.”
We all can’t be wrong. I smiled and kissed her…”I’ll be right here when you get out.”

Waiting to find out if someone has cancer is very nerve racking. I didn’t want to concentrate any thoughts on that. So for the next few hours, I tried to be productive. Went to medical records, had them fax things over to the doctor (since if they do it that way you don’t have to pay for them). Called a few people, read some magazines.

At 4:43 my boyfriend, Steve called to see how I was doing.
At 4:56 Dr. Gordon called my cell phone. “Fran I’m so sorry, your mom has cancer. I took out that one tumor but there are many more. It will take two days for the pathology reports to come back and then we’ll known how bad it is.”

I cried. I called my sister. Then I called Spencer and Steve. I asked them all to come with me to tell my mother.
Can't stop crying.

Mom came out of OR around 7 PM.
She was groggy from anesthesia. She thought she was dead and started to cry because she saw me crying.
After she realized she was alive still, I waited and then told her she had cancer, but that we’d find a cure.
She said, "I want a second opinion. I refuse to have cancer.”
Spencer held her hand. Steve was at the bottom of the bed.

I was trying to stay strong. I wasn’t crying at the moment…but my eyes were tearing. “Stay strong Capo…believe there is a cure. After all dad had cancer and he lived for 4 more years.”

When we went to leave that night my mom called me back to her bedside. She held my hand and said, "Why are you really crying?"
I said, "Because I hate to see you like this." I lied. I was crying because I was scared. She knew.
She said, 'My body may be weak, but my mind is not. I will fight this."

I cried all night. Why didn't God hear my prayers?
How could so many people be praying for her, and she still have cancer. I was angry. I was shocked. I was determined.

Tuesday, Jan 29th, 2008
Whenever a crisis happens in my life I go through the same pattern. I cry. I speak to my close friends to get their strength and perspective. I watch positive tapes (in this case, Louise Hayes, “You can heal your life”) I pray and then I say, “Okay enough Capo, stop dwelling on the problem, time to focus on the solution…now get out there and solve this.”

Even though I know it’s important in life to be your own best cheerleader…I also realize the power of asking for help. So, I sent out another mass email. This time asking for any and all alternative treatments that people knew of. Since my mom wasn’t strong enough for Chemo, nor did she want it, we’d have to conquer this another way… I wasn’t going to wait for Wednesday’s results. I needed information now and I knew it would take me time to go through my crash course in Cancer. Over 455 emails came back. I didn’t realize so many people I knew had dealt with cancer in their lives. It was a real wake up call.

To be able to handle everything I had to be organized and come up with a plan. I wanted to be by my mom’s side…but I knew at the moment I needed to be home gathering my tools. First I looked up definitions; Pneumonia, Reno failure, different types of cancer etc.

Then, I got a loose-leaf notebook and divided it into 10 sections. As the information came in I would put it in the notebook and decide if I would try this approach or not. In 3 days I had over 300 pages of information. Below is how I divided the notebook and the things I found out. Hopefully they can be of help to those of you out there who are going through the same ordeal.

IMPORTANT CANCER INFO:

Here’s how I divided the notebook:
1- IMPORTANT PAPERS: Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy, Doctors phone numbers at a glance. Copies of Medicare cards.

2- MEDICAL RECORDS FROM HER PRIVATE DOCTOR

3- MEDICAL RECORDS FROM HUDSON VALLEY HOSPITAL

4- DAILY LOG OF EVENTS: Who I’m speaking to, results, who they tell me to contact etc. how mom’s feeling etc.

5- ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS: A ton of suggestions came in:
Hypnosis, shark pills, the drug-Femora, the plant extract-Graviola, Nikken Wellness Magnets, Chinese Mushroom called - China 1, Mega doses of Vitamin C – some clinics use this, Using comedy tapes, using tapes like, “The Secret”, using Rock jewelry that emits low dose of radiation which stimulates the immune system (Jay Gutiervez – 303-475-7202.

I settled on four treatments to try:

OXYGENATED WATER. (Cancer cells cannot live in high oxygen environments.) www.toolsforwellness.com/oxygenated-water.html.

B - NOVIT- A mineral preparation that comes from Poland. It is FDA approved, patent 1996, and won received the European Academy of Sciences award and was recommended by Pope John Paul II Over a thousand case tests with phenomenal results.
Called the “answer to cancer.” Only one distributor in US.
Stan Kestnshely. (http://www.novitusa.com/index.html)
(727) 384-0061
I ordered 3 boxes.

C- MONAVIE – Functional beverage with 19 different fruits…main one being Brazilian Acai Berry…30 times the protective cancer potential than red wine. It’s an antioxidant that neutralized free radicals. (Friend Margaret gave us a bottle for my mom for free. Friend Linda Rohe also sells it.) Soap opera stars are using it.

D- Omega XL product - works with inflammation. $49.95 comes from New Zealand and is 400 times more potent than flax seed. (gel cap) Healer Mary Blake sells it. (212) 724-4081

6- PEOPLE TO CALL:
In this section I had the name of cancer survivors,
Doctors recommended to me for second opinions, organizations, hospitals, support groups etc.

I wound up calling:
• Comedy Cures: (201) 227-8410. The fellow comic Saranne Rothberg was on Oprah talking about how she survived 4th stage breast cancer with alternative treatments. Her organization also uses laughter to heal.

• Sloan Kettering (http://mskcc.org)
• Asked about clinical trials (which are trials done on people who cannot do traditional methods. These trials help things get FDA approval.)

• Dr. Robert Schneider (914) 666-8976 (Oncologist Affiliated with Sloan and does integrative medicine, for a second opinion) Recommended to me by my friend Suzanne, through Agent Roger Paul. I called the Dr. and he got back to me with answers as quickly as I talked. (He said that was his goal too!)

• National Cancer Society (800) 422-6237 (for list of hospitals)
• www.cancer.gov • Cancer Treatment Center of America (800) 515-1214
• (Motto – We never give up – located I PA.) They do 3-day outpatient evaluation. Wouldn’t work for mom.

• AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY
• 800 227- 2345 and inquire about clinical trials
• Edgar Cayce Center @ 241 W 30th street (century old healing from the man known as the sleeping prophet.)

Ken Koybayashi (http://www.kensheaven.com) Only takes referrals – works in NY. (Three separate people recommended him)

7- FOODS AND STRATEGIES:
Foods to avoid:
• Tap water, used distilled or oxygenated instead (less toxins)
Remember CANCER HATES OXYGEN.
• No sugar (cancer cells are 16x more receptive to sugar)
• No white foods (breads, potatoes, etc. –with cancer…”If it’s white it ain’t right.)

Cancer fighting foods:
(*The National Cancer Institute estimates that roughly 1/3 of all cancer deaths may be diet related. FACT: Cancer is triggered by enzyme, mineral and vitamin nutritional deficiency (primarily B17). Also critical in combating cancer is cellular oxygenation, acid pH level and detox.)

Avocados, carrots, chili peppers, jalapenos, figs, flax, garlic, grapefruits, red grapes, kale, licorice root, mushrooms, brazil nuts, oranges, lemons, papayas, raspberries, turmeric, rosemary, seaweed and other sea vegetables, soy products, sweet potatoes, green tea, black tea, tapioca, tomatoes and apricots. (The apricot seed - B17 - prevents and kills cancer. Tribes such as the Eskimos, the Hopi, the Navajo and the Hunzas, have B17 in their diet, are CANCER FREE.)

Top 10 strategies:
1- Zeolite to kill cancer cells…zeolite is a unique volcanic mineral that is highly effective at destroying the nucleus of the cancer cells.
2- Increase cellular oxygen levels in body (One-Way is to use Oxy E) Note: freshly ground flax seed mixed in some cottage cheese has become a well-known cancer treatment in Europe.)
3- Normalizing Acidic PH levels stops cancer. (Fruits and vegetables help normalize it.) Meats, grains and sugars are highly acidic…especially diet soda.
4- A strong immune system (Many items on market like Aloe 3X)
5- Getting retine (Methylglyoxal) into cells stops the growth of cancer cells.
6- Eliminating fungal infections like Candida from your system.
(Simple test for Candida – first thing in the morning spit into glass of water. IF after ½ hour your spit grows leg like strings. You have Candida.)
7- Reducing toxins in your body – Eat organic foods, and Avoid genetically modified foods.
8- Free Radical promote cancer – avoid them. (Grape seed extract is good for this.)

9- Use enzymes to Kill Cancer – such as pancreatic enzymes.
10- Raise vibration level in body – Drink fluids that are energized.

Section 8-
Books & Websites that were recommended to me by cancer survivors that my friends knew.
“Ask and it is Given” – Esther Hicks
“Alternatives in Cancer Therapy: The complete guide to Alternative treatments” - Ross Pelton
“Cancer – Step outside the box” – Ty Bollinger
Books by Susan Moss.
The China Study
"When They Say Nothing Can Be Done"- Bob Unterbrink. Jr.

Websites:
www.cancercenter.com/complemenatary-alternative-medicine.cfm www.crazysexycnacer.com (Kris Carr’s site- she cured “incurable cancer)
http://www.mayoclinic.org www.garynull.com (whole foods expert, famous nutritionist)
www.cinj.org (Clinical trials in New Jersey- they are one of the 39 National Cancer Institutes designated as comprehensive Cancer centers in the nation.)
www.herbhealer.com (lists things for cancer)
www.Cancer.gov (List of National Cancer Institutes in Nation.)
www.good-samaritan-hospital.org www.herbdoc.com (800) Herb-doc
www.aqausana.com (pure water)
www.gethealthyagain.com SECTION 9 – Miscellenous ideas and group support.

SECTION 10-
AFFIRMATIONS, PRAYERS AND HEALERS

Hundreds of prayers and affirmations came in. I typed some up for my mom to say:

“God is with me. I am healthy and whole in every way. I thank you God for the miracle that is happening now.”

The saying that kept me centered was a Buddhist saying
“If it’s my time to go, nothing can make me stay.
But if it’s my time to stay nothing can make me go.

Healers:
• Mary Blake (212) 724-4081

• Silent Unity. They have been around for over 115 years. The chapel holds a vigil and prays for you 24/7 for 30 days. They say a prayer with you over the phone and also send you a copy. www.silentunity.org (1-800-PRAY-NOW)

• World ministry of Prayer (wmop.org)

• Rabbi Harlig for my Jewish friends (www.ohelchabad.org)
(Place letters on the grave of Rabbi.)

Armed with my notebook of Information I went into my mom’s hospital room confidently. “Look mom, there are tons of things we can do if you do have cancer!”

At that moment, Dr. Demeterio walked in. My mom proudly said, “Look at all the information my daughter got on how to fight cancer…see.” See smiled, “Yeah well don’t believe everything you read…most of that stuff doesn’t work…stick to western medicine.”

I wanted to smack her with the book, and prove her wrong.
When she left the room I said, “Four months ago mom, the doctors said you wouldn’t be walking…we proved them wrong. If we did it once we can do it again.”

Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2008

At 8:38 AM Dr. Puchir called, “Fran I’m sorry to say her cancer is bad and it’s advanced, 4th stage, all over her body, adenocarinoma…(means cancer coming form the glands.)
She can do chemo for it, but it is poison and she will get sick…she doesn’t have the strength and her physical reserve is on empty. I believe one round of chemo will kill her. Her lymph nodes are swollen and pushing on different structures in her body..and fluid is building up..that’s why her entire body is swollen.
None of this was evident back in August with the CAT scan. We believe the cancer was lying dormant and something caused it to explode. I suggest you look into hospice; there is one up here run by nuns. They will give her comfort care, there is no charge…but realize she is going there to die.”

Hospice is the end of the line. They do not try to save you…just keep you comfortable. My dad died in Cabrini Hospice. I was numb.
Why didn’t I see something? I should have known when they couldn’t figure out why her legs were always swollen to ask for more tests. I was told it was the blood clots…but blood clots disolves in 128 days…a million thoughts were running through my head. Mainly how much time does she have? How quickly can I get her on the alternative treatments? How much should I tell her…was I hurting her chances if she knew everyone said she was going to die?

The next call came form Dr. George the oncologist.
“We don’t’ know the source of the cancer…but I do have 90 year old women in my office who gets chemo and her cancer is in remission… There is hope. We can have the port put in for the chemo tomorrow.”

That night I asked mom again. “Do you want chemo?”
“No, I feel it will kill me.”

I left the room and cried. Should I be persuading her to try it?
I felt my mom’s life was in my hands, and I was scared to make the wrong decision.

At 10 pm I left the hospital. Before I did my mom said, “Your dad touched me again today..this time he tapped my shoulder twice…he’s telling me it will be okay.”

We both took that to mean that she was going to be cured.

That night Steve said to me, “Your mom has all her facilities. She has made her decision not to have chemo. You have to respect that. It’s not the quantity of life, it’s the quality. You are doing all you can…no way you can do more. There is no better advocate than you. If it’s meant to be it’s God’s will.” I prayed to God to guide me.

Thursday, January 31, 2008
8:10 a.m. mom called panicked. They are taking me down to OR, they want to put the port in, I told them I don’t want it…please call them and tell them. I called the nurses station, then Dr. George and Puchir. It took an hour but I straightened it out. After that call, Dr. George basically said, if you are not doing chemo or radiation, there is not much I can do for you. Her office did help me get more medical records expedited through the system.

That night in the hospital I had my mom take a shot of the Monivie juice. She had been throwing up all day and was barely eating but she was able to keep this down. I also gave her two of the Omega pills. I put a huge note on her wall. “NO SUGAR, NO WHITE FLOUR, ONLY DISTILLED WATER.” They all thought I was nuts.
The diet with cancer was foreign concept to them.

I was with Steve that night in the hospital. When I left the room my mom turned to Steve and said, "She is a really good daughter." Steve said, "Yes she is incredible, I would want her fighting for me."

Friday, Feb 1st – Sunday, Feb. 3rd, 2008
The weekend was filled with more of the same.
Trying to get my mom to eat to build up her strength.
The Novit, Monevie and Omega that I tried to get into my mother, she was vomiting black. They said it was bile. She hadn’t really eaten in 3 days. “Please mom eat…so we can build up your strength.”
She was in a lot of pain, still on the IV, and the lung fluid draining machine. She was on morphine.

The social worker wanted to release her to hospice, were she could live out the next few weeks. I

They hospital said they lung tube and IV was coming out and she will be discharged. I told them I would do the IV at home and continue to drain the lungs otherwise she’d drown in the fluids, and since hospice and home care wouldn’t do it, I’d learn how.

Dr. Gordon said she’d teach me how. To do this though we’d have to have one more trip to OR, to put in a Plurex Cathera - that would drain the left lung at home, and an IV port for access for dehydration in the chest. Could my mom withstand another operation? I asked her if she wanted these things put in. She whispered, “Yes if it means living.”

On Saturday…mom was having a good day. Fifteen friends and relatives piled into her room to see her. For three hours we talked, laughed and had a great time. We actually got yelled at by the nurses for making too much noise. Mom was alert and would smile when she could.

At one point my friend; Laz did a healing with my mom that made her feel peaceful and pain free for a few moments.

There was a sign on the elevator door warning people of an outbreak in the hospital that was causing stomach pains, nausea and vomiting…Maybe this bug was doing it and not the cancer! The hospital was short staffed because nurses were out sick.

On Sunday, my sister went to visit my mom; she pampered her with hand massages.

That night my sister and I saw water droplets coming out of my mom’s arm. I called the nurse. She explained that since because she’s so swollen that the fluid has no other place to drain.

I stayed up till 4 a.m. that night planning my next step. Praying to God to help her.

Monday, February 4, 2008

At 9 AM I was at the hospital once again.
Did visualization with mom. She wasn’t feeling good.

By 9:30 the Oncologist that I had called for a second opinion Robert Schneider called. “Fran great news, based on all the records you faxed me, and on what we saw at the Sloan lab. Your mom’s type of cancer is treatable. Get her stronger and I can help.” I told mom the news. She smiled.

Tuesday, February 5th 2008

Today was the day for mom to have the port IV and pluerx valve put in so we could take her home. She would have to go into OR again.
Sharon decided she needed to be there, so she drove up from Queens. Athena stayed in school. After all it was only an hour operation.

Mom was already in a lot of pain, and it worried me if we should be doing this or not. With all this pain could her body take another surgery? I gave the options to mom. “If we don’t’ do this procedure and they send you home, your lungs will fill up and you will surely die. If we do, do it, you have a chance.” She whispered, “Do it.”

The entire time she was on the gurney waiting to be operated on she kept saying, “Oh God please take this pain away. God please. Please God.” Sharon and I kept holding her hands. I’ve never seen her in such pain. She said her back was hurting. We kept shifting her position. Her entire back was swollen, looked like it would burst at any minute. It’s extremely hard to watch someone you love in so much pain. We kept asking for more pain relief for her…”In a few minutes…”

We were once again told the risks of the surgery to mom.

Sharon and I waited outside during the operation. It was taking a long time…hopefully nothing went wrong. We tried to reassure each other.

When mom came out she looked exhausted and now she was even in more pain. “Oh God, what have we done!” Are we helping or prolonging the inevitable?

After a few hours she went back upstairs.
The hospitalist on duty said, “You’re mom has renal failure and she’s in a lot of pain. You need to decide if something happens if you want to resuscitate her. Think about it and let me know.”

I was very nervous. I talked to mom. I was scared to ask her anything like, “Just in case you die…do you want to be resituated?” I wanted her to be positive.” My mom had told me when we filled out the health care proxy that she wanted to be resituated. She wanted every chance at life, but she stopped at being a vegetable.

At this point I texted my son, Spencer. “Grandma doesn’t look good, you better come.” He left his night class.

I called my boyfriend as well. It was now 8 PM.

My mom kept asking for more morphine. She was in so much pain…all in the back where the tubes were.
I said to the nurses, “Can’t you do something?”
“It’s not time for her next shot”

Frustrated, I drove to the local CVS and bought that roll on aspirin. I came back and put it on her back. It relieved the pain for about 20 minutes.

Sharon and I were holding her hand and telling her how much we loved her, and all the things we remembered…I couldn’t hold it any more…I started to tear.
Mom said, “What is the matter? I’ll be fine…don’t’ you worry.”

Spencer came, we all gathered around her.
Another doctor came…he said he pulled me in the hallway.
”You’re mom is dying. We are going to bring her down to intensive care. You need to decide how far you want us to go. Do you want the tube put down her throat?"
“Is she going to die tonight?”
“Only God knows that. I just need to know what I have to do on my end.”

All of a sudden I didn’t want to be the one in charge anymore. I didn’t like being the one on the health care proxy form. Now even though mom and I went over this together, I felt I was deciding her fate.”
I had to be sure. So once again I asked her. “Mom do you want them to resusitate you if something happens?
She whispered, “I want every chance at living.”
After the doctor left she said, “ “I think I’m dying. I don’t want to die. I wanted to live to be a 100.”

I asked her if she wanted us to say a prayer. She said, “Yes, just don’t make it too long.” We all laughed.

The family in the bed next to moms was offering us comfort.
The woman was crying too, because she got to know my mom.

I asked for a priest to come to give my mom her last rites just in case.
When the priest did arrive, I told her not to mention anything about dying. I wasn’t sure if I was giving up, or facing reality.

Spencer was bent over…”Hey grandma…I love you….”
“Don’t cry Spencer, I’ll be just fine.”
I wasn’t sure anymore who was comforting who.

We were all there except for my seven-year- old niece, Athena.
My mom was like a second mom to her too. We had all lived together up until mom’s illness. My mom would give Athena a bath every night and read to her. She needed to say goodbye if this was it.

Mom was brought down to intensive care.
She said she was having a hard time breathing so they put her on an oxygen mass. Then she couldn’t breathe with the mask so we took it off. The nurse down there was very compassionate.
Mom was mentally alert. Every time the machines beeped she looked to see what was happening. The room was darkly lit.
It was midnight.

At this point, my downstairs neighbors, Wanda and Vanessa came. I let them in the room with her…. My mom told them she loved them. She was like a second grandmother to them also. They watched her and cared for her when I went out of town on gigs. We had become one family.

We all were in the waiting room, taking turns being at my mom’s side.
At one point she stabilized and was peaceful.

It was now 1 AM. I told everyone to go home…that I’d stay the night.
Sharon decided to stay with me. Athena was still not there yet.

Everyone left and I was in the waiting room. All of a sudden I said, “What am I doing out here? She needs to know she’s not alone.”
I walked in the room. She opened her eyes, “I can’t breathe.” I called the nurse. I was now holding up her head because she had no strength to hold it up herself.

The doctor was called in. He said, “You’re mother is dying. Last time…do you want us to resuscitate her?”

I thought I had decided this upstairs. Again my mind raced.
”Just don’t break her ribs…if she lives she’ll be in more pain.”

I called Spencer and Steve…”Come back to the hospital quick.”
I tried to call Sharon on her cell phone…she had gone out for a cigarette.

I was alone with mom for a moment…the doctor was waiting in the wings ready to act.

I know how badly she wanted to live. I wanted to be her rock and support…but she was in so much pain…. the doctor said she was dying…do I believe him? People still live after doctors say that.

What do I say to my mom who is now squeezing my hand.

“I leaned over. “Mommy, listen to me. I know you wanted every chance at living, and there is nothing more I would want for you to spend the next 20 years with us…but you are in a lot of pain. You’re body has handled a lot. Please don’t hang on for us, hang on only if you need to. We’ll all take care of each other and be okay, if you are in too much pain…it’s okay to let go if you have to….don’t be scared. I love you so much Mommy. You taught me everything I know…and we all love you so much, Spencer, Sharon and Athena. But it’s okay to let go and be pain free if you have to.”
At that moment she opened her eyes wide and looked right at me.
“I couldn’t tell if it was fear, or she couldn’t believe what I was saying or she wanted to look at me one last time.

Then all of a sudden…the heart monitor went off. The doctors pushed me out of the way. “You have to leave now.” My mom held up her hand for me to grab it… I went to hold her hand but I was pushed outside. “Mom, I’ll be right outside…I love you.”

Sharon came in at that moment…”What happened to mom?”
“They are trying to save her.”
“Oh my God…nooooo. She can’t die.”
Spencer ran in. He tried to go into the room where the doctors were working…”Let me in, I’m her grandson.” They closed the door.

Through the glass window he watched. There was slit in the drawn curtain. Spencer had become an EMT to be able to help my mom in an emergency situation and now he stood outside.helpless. He wanted to watch to make sure they were trying everything. He said he needed to know.

Sharon and I walked away for a moment. That aimless walk when you don’t know what to do.

I went back to look as what was happening.
Spencer held up his hand.
“Mom stop…you don’t want to see this. You don’t want to remember her this way.”
“If you can handle it, so can I.” I looked over through the slit in the drawn curtain. I saw them sticking the tube down her throat…and black bile come up. I saw them pumping her chest.”

She came back…and they were still working on her.

I went into the waiting room…”Okay God…if you are going to take her…take her already…but for Gods sake if you’re not…don’t’ make her suffer…. just do what you have to do already.”

I walked back out…the doctors were coming out of the room.
“I’m sorry we did all we could do. She’s dead.” Spencer was already inside the room.

My sister fell to the floor and started pounding it.
“Oh God noooo, why did you take my mother. I need her.”
I held my sister and then we went inside. We both held her hand. We were crying. She was still warm.

My sister wanted to climb into the bed with her.
She was still talking to my mom. “Mommy…oh mommy I love you so much…you did everything for me. At least you are not in pain now.”

She looked up at me…”I think Mommy is smiling.”
She tried to get up on the table…
“Sharon, no…that’s enough…don’t get on the table. It’s just her body, not her spirit.”
“I think mom is hovering over the table…I don’t think she left yet.”

I couldn’t feel her presence. It’s just her body that once housed her soul. I felt so empty inside. I wanted to feel her spirit near me, but I couldn’t. At that moment I both hated God and loved him. Hated him for taking her…loved him if she was out of pain.

I sat in the lobby…”How in one weeks time did it go from, she’s got cancer to she’s dead? I didn’t even have time to get her any alternative help.

Sharon stayed in the room with mom’s body for a half hour. We considered having her sedated.

At that point…Steve came. It was around 3:10. My mom had died at 2:55 Am. Alberto, Dale and Athena came 15 minutes after my mom passed. Athena never got to say goodbye.

We gathered my mom’s stuff and went back to our house.
Each of us dealing with this sudden realization in our own way.

Sharon sat in her car crying.
Spencer was in his room crying.
Steve and I were out in the living room in the dark. I blamed myself for not being able to have seen the cancer sooner. I was always able to save her before. I felt this time I failed. I was prepared for my dad’s death…he announced, “I’m coming home to die.” We knew he had cancer for 4 years, and he was ready.

But this was different. My mom wanted to live. We only had one week to deal with it.

I sat in the dark feeling so empty.
Steve said….”Fran, Your mother is here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how I told you I saw my daughters spirit before she was born? Well I just saw the same thing…over your right shoulder here in the dark; I saw a small orb of light. When I looked it zipped away. I believe she’s with your father.”

Despite what he said…I couldn’t feel it…I wanted to believe it…in fact I always did believe in those things…but now I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t believe.

How could we have been so wrong…we all had the gut feeling she would live…Dad even came to her and said, “It would be okay”…then it hit me…”Oh my…maybe my Dad meant her crossing over would be okay. Maybe he knew she would be scared to die and so he was letting her know he’d be waiting on the other side.”

I was hoping that was the truth…but I didn’t know. All I knew was that the most important person in the world to me (Outside of my son) was gone.

I could see I’d be crying myself to sleep for many nights to come.
But somewhere deep inside I also knew my mom somehow would give me the strength to handle it.