I asked him for the details. In a nutshell, it was a cleansing diet (hence the name) that consisted of drinking nothing more than six to 12 glasses of hot water with lemon juice, cayenne pepper and grade B maple syrup for ten consecutive days!

The guy was so enthusiastic that I wanted to try it. I mentioned it to my artist friend Ali, who is an adventurer like me and she was game to join me in the ten-day challenge. Of course trying to coordinate what ten days prior to a holiday NOT to eat and that would fit into both our schedules was an adventure in itself.

As we looked on the calendar I commented,”Too bad this cleansing thing can't be done in an hour or two you know get all the crap out of us in one fell swoop". Ali smiled, "Well they do have something like that Fran, it's called a high colonic." "High colonic? Sounds more like a drink that socialites would indulge in by the poolside." She laughed, "Yeah, but those spas can have us out in an hour and we'd be done." "Wait." I said. "This is one of those places where they stick a tube up your butt."
"Yup, that would be it." She smirked.

"So we would be paying someone to do the honors?"

"Yup. But it would be over in an hour."

We both looked at the pumpkin pie sitting on the kitchen counter, then at each other.

"Let's call."

We searched the Internet and found a place called Optimal Wellness of Long Island (New York). We searched the site and saw that not only could you get a high colonic that cleanses you out bottoms up, but you can also get a coffee or wheat grass enema to boot.

We were fascinated and kept reading, "Colonics have been around in one form or another for thousands of years. The earliest medical text in existence, The Egyptian Ebers Papyrus (1500 B.C.) mentions it. The Pharaoh had a "guardian of the anus," a special doctor, one of whose purposes was to administer the royal enema."

Okay, I had to stop. I was laughing too hard. A guardian of the anus? You got to be kidding me. What did this guys' uniform look like? After all, his job was to clean the royal buttock. This was too good to believe. A comic's dream comes true.

We kept reading, "They had these enemas on three consecutive days every month!" Tribal woman in Africa used enemas on their children. People in Sumeria, Babylonia, India, Greece and China used it. In pre-revolutionary France, a daily enema after dinner was de rigueur. It was not only considered indispensable for health but practiced for good complexion. American Indians independently invented it, using a syringe made of an animal bladder and a hollow leg bone. (I wish I had a camera to see the expression on the first person's face when this idea was suggested. Come here Little Shoehorn, I am going to take this hollow leg bone and stick it up your butt. You will feel much better. It is the way of nature.)

We continued, "A toxic bowel is the source of many health problems including; irregular bowel movements, fatigue, insomnia, bloating, bad breath (now that's interesting), asthma, loss of memory, general aches, pains and weight loss STOP! Read no more. We were sold!

We scheduled an appointment for 4 p.m. the very next day, which was a Sunday. Maxine, the receptionist said she'd be happy to arrange for another certified colon hydro therapist to come in so Ali and I could get treated at the same time. The sessions were an hour and a half long.

At that moment, Ali and I got the brilliant idea that we should include our mothers on this outing. After all we had gone out as a group to a restaurant and opera and had a blast, so heck, why not a blast of a different sort with a good colon cleansing among friends?

Ali called her mom first. "Hi Mom, Fran and I are getting together tomorrow and we thought we'd invite our moms to come"

"Oh Ali, that sounds lovely. You know I'd love to join you girls."

"This outing is going to be a little different mom, it's not a restaurant."

"Okay, dear what is it?"

"Well we thought we could all go and have a colon cleansing."

A moment of silence and then her mom burst into laughter for the next three minutes. When she finally composed herself she said, "I'll sit this one out. You gals have a wonderful time."

One down. One to go. Now I called my mom.

"Hi Mom. You know Ali and I like doing different kind of things right?"

"Yeah. That's good that you have that kind of friendship."

"Well we thought we'd take our moms on one of our adventures."

"Adventures like what?" I could hear the suspicion in her voice.

"Well, we thought it would be fun to get a high colonic."

"A what?"

"A colonic, you know an enema."

There was silence on the phone. Then she said, "You want all of us to go out and pay someone to stick a tube up our but?"

I laughed, "Very nicely put ma. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Okay listen, I'll pay your way. I think it would be a good healthy experience."

Silence. "All right if you think so, but this is weird."

I signaled to Ali, "Yes! She'll do it."

Ten minutes later. "Hi Frannie, I changed my mind. Just thinking about it made me go to the bathroom. I can't make it. But thanks anyway."

I told my son, Spencer about this as he came out of his room, hoping I could convince him of the medicinal value of this adventure he just said, "Mom, some things are not meant to be family outings. This is one of them." So it was back to me and Ali.

The next day we arrived at the Optimal Wellness Center of Long Island which was a residential home located in Hicksville, dedicated to cleansing detoxification and rejuvenation therapies. Since Ali and I had never done anything like this and because it was in a residential home we decided to tell a member of our perspective families where the house was located just in case this was some white market slavery trap. Better safe than sorry. Or as Ali always says, "A good dose of paranoia can go a long way."

Luckily all our fears were quickly dispelled. A cheerful Maxine greeted us at the door. As soon as we walked in it felt peaceful. There was a pleasant aroma in the air and soft meditative music was playing. I looked around and saw no men with pipes or guns, just one harmless looking man snoozing on the couch, so we felt safe.

After filling out a medical form and questionnaire on our eating habits we were ready for our consultation. Ali and I requested we do the consultation together. The therapists, Carmen and Jamie warned us, "These are going to be personal questions?"

"Like what?" I said, "How many bowel movements we have?"

"Exactly."

We looked at each other and shrugged. Ali said, "We girls we talk about everything".

I piped in, "We actually wanted like to be in the same room so we can talk and compare notes?"

A quick look from the therapists made us say, "Never mind, we'll go it alone.”

After a serious of personal questions, they went into a brief explanation of the function of the colon. "The colon (or large intestine) is a hollow tube-like organ made up of muscle structure that moves toxic materials out of the body by a wave-like motion known as peristalsis. Because there are so many turns and creases in the intestines the colon gets deposits that stay there. When they do the colon cannot absorb or eliminate properly. Polluted blood from this backed up system is picked up by the liver and circulates through every cell. This condition is called toxemia or autointoxication (self-poisoning.) To properly clean the body tissue and prevent this from happening, we must start by cleaning the bowels". They continued explaining more of the human body, some procedure and finally they asked each of us what we hoped to gain from our session.

We both said that we didn't want to gain anything in fact we were hopping to lose weight and feel lighter. We agreed that if that happened we'd be happy colonic campers.

With our parting wishes acknowledged, my hydro-therapist, Jamie took me off into a separate room. I turned to Ali, Bye This is it. Hope to see a lot less of you later Good luck!"

We were a tad nervous.

I was across the hallway. I was instructed to change into one of those lovely hospital gowns with the exposed back. I was then showed the tubes that would be thrust up my buttock.

It was at that moment reality hit me. "Okay, no more fun and games. I'm sorry to say we are going to have to cancel. There is no way that tube is going to fit up my butt."

Jamie laughed, "Relax, it looks a lot bigger than it is."

"Oh man, that's a line only a girl would say".

"Fran, seriously just relax, I'm going to put tons of KY jelly on it."

"Not for nothing doc, but you're next line better not be squeal like a pig."

Jamie just laughed. Although professional, she he was used to my comments by now. "Just relax; many people are fearful and embarrassed. You will be covered the whole time. Let's leave the tube alone for a second and let me explain how the machine works."

"We use this FDA approved colonic machine with a sophisticated water filtration system. I will GENTLY insert the speculum, which is attached to two plastic tubes. This tube brings the clean, filtered body temperature water into your body and this other tube carries out the waste, gas, undigested food, parasites and anything else you got in there". (She smiled. Yeah I can take a joke too.)

She continued, "If you look here you will see a water pressure knob. This knob controls how fast or slow the water is pumped into you. When you feel pressure, you tell me and I will switch the red knob in this lower right hand corner from fill to empty. You will then be able to see what comes out through this white tube in the middle."

"Oh great just like watching the Macy's day floats go by. This is lovely." She laughed. "We will do several fills and empties. Are you ready to begin?"

"Nope. But let's do it anyway."

I laid on my side and the second she touched me I yelled, "Okay, no way, forget it; I changed my mind not going to happen." She stopped. "I didn't even start yet."

"Oh, okay sorry."

After three starts we were on our way. The first fill lasted all of several drops. A thimble would have been more
full, before I yelled, "No more I'm done."But as I got more comfortable with the procedure the fill time was a lot longer. In between she would massage my abdomen to help things out.

I didn’t move an inch from the starting position. She told me I could move around, but I was taking no chances. I did not want to dislodge those tubes and have to get back to square one. At one point during the empty she said, "Wow, what's that?" I looked at the tube, "I think it's a goldfish."

She laughed. As the session continued, she gave me some nutritional advice like don't eat roasted nuts, that a person should drink half their body weight in water. So for example if someone weighs 100 pounds, they need to drink 50 ounces of water a day, etc. She was very informative, and quick frankly after a while I almost, I said, almost forgot where I was.

Soon the end of the session was near. Ali and I had decided to top off our treatments with a five-minute coffee enema. Yes, you got it folks. A quart of hot organic java was going to fill us up from the other end.

This unique use of coffee by the way is not some crazy thing they just thought up. The coffee enema was started back in 1917 (probably by some bored Starbuck employees) and was found by German scientists to stimulate the liver. It was noted that after a couple of coffee enemas, patients could dispense with all their pain-killers. The deal is since all blood in the body passes through the liver ever three minutes, holding the enema for 5-10 minutes allows these enemas to act as a "form of dialysis of blood across the gut wall." And instead of adding the traditional sugar or sweet & low to the regular coffee mix, with these enemas a couple of drops of Allicidin is added. Allicidin btw just happens to be the purest form of anti-infective on the planet for killing viruses, fungus, and any other harmful thing in the body in its path. Now that's one strong cup of coffee!

All I got to say is this is one for the record books. If you think a hot cup of coffee in the morning feels good going down your throat on a cool winter day, you ain't felt nothing till you tried this. (Good thing I didn't try this procedure while I worked for Chock Full of Nuts!)

So there I am on the table with the coffee peculating inside of me. When the allotted time was up, the knob was turned to empty and out it comes. I was worried there for a few seconds when I only saw about a 1/2 a cup. Jamie reassured me it got absorbed by the liver. All I can say is the body sure is one fascinating thing. And apparently there seems to be no end to the amount of things we can do to it.

After my session was up, I was instructed to spend time in the bathroom getting reacquainted with nature's expulsion process. I was in and out in a few minutes. I couldn't wait to see Ali's face.

I had to wait for a good extra half hour. Which of course I could tease her bout later, that she was obviously more full of it, than I.

With that being said, we did have a certain glow to us. We thanked the hydro-therapists for an enlightening experience. They were both professional, and made an embarrassing situation, rather fun in a bizarre way. We snapped a picture on the way out. (Yes it is the same picture!)

The truth was waiting for us at home we couldn't wait to weigh ourselves. We hopped on the scale and nada. Nothing. Damn!

But then a miraculous thing happened. The next morning when we both weighed ourselves again and lo and behold we had each lost 3 1/2 pounds! We were ecstatic. Our wish was met, we lost weight and felt lighter we were happy colonic campers. We called Maxine and reported our success the next day.

Of course why stop there we now decided if this is what can happen from the bottom up, then why not try from the top down after all, why stop at three pounds if you can lose ten so after all this we are going to take the ten day Miracle Cleanse challenge believe me, I will keep you informed.

Till then, enjoy your holiday shopping and have a couple of cookies on me.