With To Tell the Truth I was asked to come on, not as a contestant but as the person the contestant would have to guess about. Now, that I didn't have a problem with. After a series of questions, the contestant was to guess whether I was the world's fastest talker or get this…a naked skydiver. (I was game, as long as I didn't have to dress the part.)

We had some preliminary talks, I was flown out there, we went over the game rules, and I was given some facts on this real live naked skydiving person I that I might be. Of course the trick in all this was to talk slow so I wouldn't give it away in my patter that I was really the fast talker.

The host was Gordon Elliott. During the show they kept us guests sequestered - with security tighter than Fort Knox. After all, they are giving away huge sums of money and they want no hankie panky going on.

The behind the scene guests all had fascinating stories. One guy that stuck out in my mind was parachutist Mark Mongollo. This guy fell from an airplane at 3,600 feet (and I mean fell) since his shoot didn't open! The guy crashes to the earth at 120mph, bounces twice and lives to talk about it.

Anyway, the set up was there were three celebrities who would ask questions for the audience member who would guess who I really was. I don't recall the celebrities' names, but one guy was a famous football player.

When it was my turn for him to ask me three questions he said, "First on this fast talking…where are you from?"
"N-e-w Y-o-r-k." I tried to say it as slow as I could without sounding ridiculous.
"Where do you practice this naked skydiving?"
"Practice? Well, it's not like I jump off my bed. I practice out in the open."
"And when you jump…are you in the spread eagle position?" The audience laughed.
Gordon Elliott jumped in, "You don't have to answer that question."
I laughed, "Well, you do have to arch."
Gordon turned red.

With the questions from the celebrities and my answers in, Gordon then turned to the male contestant in the audience. "Okay, here's your chance to win $1000 dollars. Is she the world's fastest talking woman or a naked skydiver? If you guess right, you win the money. If you guess wrong, she wins it.

He smiled, "Well, she said she was from New York. I lived in New York for about ten years, and they all talk fast… so I'm going to guess she is a fast talker."

Damn, I was foiled! To confirm his guess however, I happily did my trademark fast-talking rendition of "The Three Little Pigs". I had a great time, the audience laughed, I got paid and it was painless.

So when the opportunity came again to be on a game show, I was ready. That was until I found out about the show and that they wanted me on as a contestant, not a guest. You see the show was The Weakest Link and at that time it was hosted by none other but the infamous Brit, Anne Robinson (a.k.a. bitch on heels). I had no desire to subject myself to her verbal torture, at least not for getting a question wrong. (Maybe it's flashbacks to Catholic School days).

And if you think I'm exaggerating about her torture reputation, look at the picture below. Yes, this is a wax figure of Anne which proudly is displayed in the London Museum of Torture, along with the likes of Jack the Ripper!

Anyway, I thanked the show for asking me and turned it down. But being television people, they are very persistent. They email me again, then followed up
with a phone call, this time really laying on the guilt.

The producer said, "Fran, this is a world record show. Each world record holder who comes on will get to donate $10,000 to the charity of their choice." (Great, so now I'm a schmuck if I turn it down.)

So I say, "Okay, look how about I come on the show, not as a contestant but just to insult the host? That I'd be willing to do."
"Well you can do that, but you'd have to be a contestant."
"Look, I am lousy at knowing things like who was the 17th president, and all that stuff. I just don't fill my mental filing cabinet with trivia. I look that stuff up when I need it. Now if we can have an Internet link on hand I'm game."
"Fran, it will be great exposure."
"No, I believe that's what the naked skydiver gets."
"What?"
"Never mind. Wrong show. Alright, $10,000 to my charity, I'll do the show."

With that, no time was wasted in faxing me this long involved questionnaire (I'm talking 12 pages long!). It asked the gambit of questions from have I ever been in jail, to who I live with, to what my friends would say are my biggest fears, to how do I compete with people in my life, to what I would do if had three wishes, etc. I felt like I was being interviewed by the CIA. I answered most questions with humor, knowing all along that my answers were fodder for her writers, so that they could give us hell when we were on the show. They were looking for our weak spot so they could write lines to give her that she could use on us if we got a question wrong. Their lines coupled with her acid tongue, the trap in the lion's den, and thus what makes for good television ratings.

For the next few days I started looking through world almanacs, trivia pursuit game questions, old school notes - anything I thought might be on the test…I mean show. But it was like cramming for a pop quiz - you just don't know what's coming.

I decided to just have fun with it. So there I am once again in LA doing a game show. Again the security is tight. If I want to go to the bathroom, they send a guard with me. I have no clue how this protects us contestants. It's not like we can slip each other the answers.

After hours of makeup, waiting around, signing release forms, being prepped by the producer making sure we known how the game is played, and being checked with wardrobe, it's finally show time.

Neatly tucked in a semi circle panel from left to right was quite a cast of characters. At the first podium was the world's greatest female contortionist. To her right was the guy who did the most triathlons. Next to him was this petite blonde, known as the world's most downloadable woman (yes, she was a porn star - and thus the reason the show was called The World Record holder
show, not the Guinness Book World records holders show. Next to her was an elderly gentleman, a trivia expert. Of course the second I heard that I said, "Hey, Why don't we just give the check to him and call it a day. I was next - you know - the fast talker. On my other side was the world's fattest athlete - a 710 pound sumo wrestler who was sweating under the hot lights and swaying back and forth by his podium. I took one look at him and thought, man if this guy falls through the floor I am going to be sucked into the abyss.

Finally, the last guy was known for making the most balloon animals in a minute. He was a small, shy guy who was wearing a vest his wife made, and didn't want to have to confront Anne about anything. Backstage I was giving him lines to say to her if she insulted him. He instead wanted to kill her with kindness.

The audience was behind us, with this black sheet on top of them to make them look more like floating heads than an audience. As a comic, my gut is to always play to the audience. So, I made a mental note that even though you could barely see them, they were behind me and could respond.

Anne Robinson came out with her stern demeanor. She stood on a podium directly in front of us, almost like an executioner. We each did a one minute intro of who we were and what charity we were playing for. (Mine was St. Jude's Children Hospital, The Damien Corrente Youth Memorial Fund against Gang Violence and Breast Cancer Society). True to character, Anne barely smiled at our introductions. She went over the rules of the game. "Each of you have to answer a
question in the shortest time possible or pass. At the end of each round you will each write down who you want to vote off the panel. You will get rid of the weakest link. Are you ready? Let's begin."

The dramatic lights came on as well as that nerve-racking music. As with most game shows, you always seem to know the answer of the questions NOT asked to you. The stripper got the question…and I'm not kidding here…"What is 9 plus 7?" She hesitated. I said, "Can I have that question?" I got a dirty look. Then the stripper answered proudly, 16. I'm thinking…you have got to be kidding me! Maybe I should have been that naked skydiver. Then the trivia expert got some other question that I knew the answer too. I'm thinking, okay, maybe this won't be too bad. Then I get zapped with the question, "What is the name of the purple tele-tubbie?"

The purple tele-tubbie? I don't watch that stuff, my son was way past that age. Ask me about Mr. Rodgers, the annoying Barney, or Pokemon… but the freaken purple tele-tubbie! Time was ticking and I had to say something so I blurted out the only bit of trivia I knew about the purple guy, a piece of trivia I remembered hearing from some television evangelist. "I don't know his name, but I heard was that purple guy was gay."

Anne Robinson gives me one of those "You idiot" looks and says, "Wrong!"

It went down hill from there. At that point, I had a gut feeling I was going to be voted off. So I figured why not go down with either something memorable or a laugh.

So when it came time to voting, I made a last minute decision to try something never before tried in a game show. Instead of writing another contestants name on the tablet to be voted off I wrote the host's name down.

The producer stops the taping. "You can't vote the host of the show off!"
I said, "Look the way I see it, she's the problem. We get her off, split the money and all go home happy."

He says, "No you have to change your answer." I said, "Come on… the home audience would love it!" I turn to the studio audience. What do you think?"
They all cheer.

I can see he was amused but at the same time, he wanted me to change it, so I did. But there was no way I was going to let this pass.

When it came time for her to insult me as I was voted off she says, "You may be the fastest talker, but you're not the fastest thinker. You are the weakest link. Good Bye".

I said, "Not so quickly Anne, Look no offense but I wanted to vote you off the show."
She says, "Out I said."
"See I figured if we get rid of you…"
"Goodbye!"
"Okay, lady calm down, don't get your panties in a knot." I left the stage.

Then they whisk me into this confessional type box, where I'm suppose expose my true inner feelings to the home audience. They ask me a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling and then finally they end with, "So tell us, what do you honestly think of Anne Robinson?"

I said, "Honestly? She's the type of person you couldn't warm up to if you were cremated together!"
"Cut! That's a wrap. Thanks."

Out of all the stuff I said, wouldn't you know it, that insult is what aired. Go figure. But what happened next was even stranger.

Two days later, after I was flown home, I get a call from the producer. "Listen Fran, you were great on the show. I wished you would have lasted longer. We loved what you did. Would you be willing to fly out here again tomorrow? I also produce another game show called, Dog Eat Dog. We'd love for you to read copy really fast to a bunch of playboy bunnies as one of the contests. We'd have you come out on stage, wear a black suit and just blast them with words. They in turn have to answer questions based on what you read. It would be like a speed reading comprehension test."
"Black suit huh? And all these Play boy bunnies are going to be all dressed up in their tight little bright outfits?"
"Yes why?"
"And I'm going to be the fast talking dark suited New Yorker?"
"Exactly."
"Okay, Gotcha."

Two days later I showed up to the studio in a blue fitted outfit. The producer smiled, "That's what I love about you Capo."
"Hey, you know I've been performing long enough that I have to go with my gut. We all need to look good here. I'm not going to be the matronly nagging fast-talking mom. Well, okay I will be, but I gotta look halfway decent."

He smiled, "Deal."

We shot the shoot, the playboy bunny looked baffled but did fine. Once again I flew home, happily thinking that you just never know what is going to hit you in this business. I was happy though that the shows were behind me, and I'd only have to show them to my friends if I wanted to.

Wrong! Every hear of reruns?

Yup, these shows can be seen ever few months or so on the Gameshow channel, and what's worse, The Weakest Link show once aired on a flight my boyfriend and his whole family were taking on their way to a funeral. Talk about embarrassment! But that's a whole other story.