After the show Art asked me if I'd be interested in doing a celebrity bus tour of New York City. You know, "Guinness' Fast Talking New Yorker and author shows people around town - quickly." I've never been a tour guide, but I love people. I was a game.

Flash Forward a year. It's now a week before I have committed to give this tour. My performance schedule is crazy. Art calls up and asks if I'm ready to give this tour. "Sure Art, but I would like if you could be there, just in case I mix up the Statue of Liberty with the Empire state building or something else equally as ridiculous".

He and I agree we will work it as a comedy tag team tour. Susan will play Rand McNally with the bus driver. We go over the bus route, they have it all planned out. Art and Susan basically tell me the type of things the people are looking for, I tell them the stories I will tell, some personal some from my book, and we are set. For this particular tour we are going through a company called "Get up and Go tours."

The tour is scheduled for Sunday, an all day event from 9:30am to 4:30pm. Man, that's a lot of talking! Art says, "Listen Fran, between you and me, the people's ears will be ringing". I'm hoping that's a good thing.

We met up in Westchester and Sue gets us to Manhattan in no time flat. The only problem is we notice there are tons of police blockades up. We inquire with a policeman who says the President of Pakistan is in town. We ask if Bush is also here, he says no. An awful lot of security for this other guy, but hey we don't want anything happening to any dignitary on our grounds.

Shortly our bus, loaded with our group of 29 women from Long Island, shows up. Debra, the Get Up and Go tour representative, greets us with a nice big hug. She smiles, "The women are all excited, they've read up on your bios, checked out your website, and are ready for a fun day." Art, Sue and I look at each other, "Okay then. It's Show time!" We hopped on the bus.

Debra introduces Art. Art tells them they are in for a treat. Then he promises them, "If either Fran or I stop talking you will get your money back." I look at him in horror. Oh man- with the rate I talk, that's like me reading War and Peace twice, without a breather!" The woman are game, the challenge is on.

After a brief overview of the day's tour, Art introduces me as the "Fastest Woman." The women look over expecting me to be in some kind of brothel outfit. Art looks at me and winks. I nod.
"Ah Art, I think you left out a word there – that's fastest TALKING woman. The other kind used to belong on 42nd street." The group laughs and we are set.

Our first stop is Grand Central Station. We point out the garbage cans that are specially made in Israel to explode up, not out - just in case anyone decides to drop a bomb in it. After the garbage can tidbit, we walk to the center dome. Art pulls out his handy step stool. He gets up, spews out an impressive list of interesting facts. Then as if it was well rehearsed, he motions and turns the stool over to me. I climb up, and take the mini-stage.

I point out how the mural on the ceiling was put on backwards, due to a mistake made by the builders in reading the blueprints. Pegasus is on the wrong side of the sky. Fine if you're dyslexic, but otherwise, you can always say it's the view of the gods looking down on us mortals.

I see smiles. The ladies are enjoying our tag team effort, and us adding jokes in between.

We move further along in the terminal and point out the secret spot where more marriage proposals are made than anywhere else in New York (sorry to uncover this fact you will have to come on the tour J). We continue on, telling them that no tour would be complete without showing them some genuine New York City rats. We see the women squirm, I hear one woman say, "Honey, I can miss that - not a problem." When we finally get in front of the stone rats, they are relieved. The rats are located outside the terminal on Lexington Avenue. A sight I'm sure thousands of New Yorkers who go there everyday have missed.

The story goes: Cornelius Vanderbuilt who built the terminal was a shipping magnate. When things were shipped rats would use the anchor lines to try to get on board. Cones were put on the anchor lines to prevent the dirty rats from getting a free ride. Cornelius thought it would be a nice touch added them to the outside of the building.

This type of unusual facts are what the tours are all about. The reason they thought we'd make a good match on this tour is because my book, It Happened in New York, highlights 30 of these kind of cool stories. (The second edition of the book just came out by the way (Sept. 27th) and if you like to order an autographed copy feel free to go to my website, www.FranCapo.com : ) - okay enough of a plug- back to the story.)

So there we are at Grand Central Terminal (and it's called terminal by the way and not station because the trains terminate there) with 32 women, counting us. So what are we women going to be interested in in New York City? A necessity… come on, guess! Okay… quiz is over. We like clean bathrooms. And Grand Central Terminal has them. We take a quick pit stop, losing two women along the way. Actually, they weren't lost, they got back on the bus. We did the buddy system from then on, just like a class trip. I guess some things you never outgrow.

As we walked out of the station, we pointed out the clock with the three mythological figures, Mercury (God of Speed), Hercules (God of Strength) and Minerva (Goddess of Wisdom) which sit perched front and center.

As I'm about to say another fact, one lady grabs my arm, "You know one of the numbers in that clock is really a door, and boy would I like to climb out it and look down on all those people."

I just laughed out loud. This woman was about 65 years old and a fellow adventurer! I loved it! I turned to her and said, "You find the door and I'm right up there with ya, sister." It was only a half- hour into the tour and I was already loving this feisty group.

Back on the bus we continued our tour, Art pointing out things along the way till our next stop. He was talking non-stop as promised. I was tempted to call Guinness and see if there was a record for that. The thing is, he wasn't just jabbering away. The man knows something about every street in New York! We played off each other, with me playing color commentator. Susan, who is a wealth of knowledge herself, just smiled at the whole scenario and continuing to give our driver directions.

Our next stop was Angel Orensanz synagogue built in 1851, the place where Matthew Broderick and Jessica Parker were married. It's a gorgeous place and the owner left it with the same feel as from 1851. I felt as if I should get up there and give a lighting litany, being as I'm an ordained minister and a fast talker. But thought that the walls might come crumbling down, so I opted to snap a few pictures instead.

The next stop was one of my favorite spots on the tour, the Economy Candy stop - a sweet shop filled to the brim with old time candy. I loaded up a bag with Mary Janes, waxed lips, fake cigarettes and some pulling taffy. None of the ladies left without at least ten dollars in candy, all of our claiming they were for our nieces or grandchildren…yeah right. I ate my first piece before I even got back on the bus.

Of course I should have waited because our next stop, just a few blocks away was lunch at none other than the famous Katz's Deli. Come on, you know that Deli…it was made famous with the scene from "Where Harry Met Sally." Need I say more? "I'll have what she's having!"

After a delicious lunch we headed back to the bus, but not before we got to see a group of Blue Angels ride up on the sidewalk with their motorcycles…apparently the deli appeals to everyone.

The day continued with more unique stops like the Irish Hunger memorial which is only a few years old…

the winter garden with it's palm trees imported from the Mojave desert, the theater where Mae West performed and got arrested, and the oldest pub in New York where the term, "86" it came from. For those under 30 who never heard the term…the story goes like this. The pub was a speak easy during prohibition (1932). The police, who liked to imbibe on a beer or two on occasion, would warn the owner when they were coming in for a raid. Since the number on the door was 86, the cops would say, "86 it…which meant scram if you don't want to get arrested. (And no I'm not going to tell you the street it's on…again, you'll have to come on the tour and play our little game. You see, you could be standing right in front of the pub and not find it. It's fun watching people point out everything but the pub.)

Anyway, the ladies were delightful, they played along with our antics, even on one occasion spinning around three times when we asked them. Of course we had a good reason, we were trying to dispel an old actors' curse outside a theater.

The tour continued throughout the day with pointing out old mansions, quirky statues and stories of famous people. We were all having a grand old time…and Art and I were talking non-stop - that is until we hit massive traffic in Harlem. Wouldn't you know it, a parade did us in.

We sat in traffic. Art told stories. I told stories. We still sat in traffic. Art told more stories, I told more stories. We STILL sat in traffic. At one point Art said, "I'm worried we might lose this bet!" The woman laughed.

We finally took a vote. It was already 4:30 (the tour's ending time). We could continue on, or let the bus driver take them home straight from Harlem back to Long Island with Debra, their chaperone. They all said they felt they got their money's worth. As we waited at the light, I quickly sold a few books, and gave a personalized autograph to each lady. Then we all quickly got off the bus, waiving goodbye.

We hopped on a bus back to our car. In the bus I said, "So Art, were you running out of stories?" He smiles, "I could have talked for days." I turn to Sue, she nods. I turn back to Art and he is sound asleep on the bus.

Sue laughs, "He power naps, he'll wake up talking." I laugh, "Geez! I guess this is what I'm like to be around."

We get to the car and the area is still brimming with security. That Pakistan president sure has a lot of clout. An officer over hears us and says, "Pakistan? It's President Bush inside the hotel." Art looks up. "Really? That's not the hotel he normally stays at! Do you know that when the President comes into town he normally stays at the…" Sue takes him by the arm and we walk down the street and back to the car. I start laughing. Art hasn't lost that bet yet!

Note:
If you would like to find out more about the Zukerman's many travel events or want to book a celebrity tour with yours truly, email marscot@worldnet.att.net.