Fran's World…and Welcome to It!

When last I left you guys I was flying the country as a spokesperson for Auntie Anne's pretzels… well I'm still doing that but the one thing I didn’t tell you was that in the process I have a lot going on personally.

When I wrote the first blog I mentioned that I had a one year "trial" living arrangement with my fiancée. We have been together six years, engaged for three (remember the Harley was my engagement gift.) Anyway, after a short break up, we decided we really loved each other and needed to make some changes. So my son and I moved into Steve's condo in Ossining, New York. Steve and I figured we’d do this to either move ahead and get married or break up. I sublet my Howard Beach apartment as my escape route just in case things didn't work out. Hey, a girl has got to plan.

Our "decision date" was June 30th, because that's when my one year sublease agreement with Tracy was up. I had to let her know if I was moving home or not, it was only fair, couldn't leave the girl hanging.

Steve and I have both been married in the past… we both have a kid each, cats and house. He's lived alone for the past 13 years (except when his daughter visits). I've lived "alone", without a man in my house that is, for about seven years, (and no, it’s not that itch time). But I'm used to people being around since I've always lived with Spencer, and owned a two-family house with my mom and my sister.

The first few months in Steve's house were a big adjustment… mainly for four reasons; One, it wasn't my place so I always had that feeling that I was sort of a long term guest instead of that it was my home. Two, I had never moved away from home… (Yeah I know I'll climb Kilimanjaro, jump out of a plane, and hold snakes, but move away from mommy… ohhh that was scary) Even the two ex-husbands moved into the house I owned. Thus I thought maybe a change was needed. Even though I loved my mom… time to try moving out. Which in itself was a big decision, because I had swore that I would never live with a man unless I was married. But seeing as I had tried two marriages and they didn't work out and I still didn't feel ready to commit to Steve yet, I thought this would be a good option. Although I have to admit my Catholic good girl guilt kicked in a lot. I did a lot of praying, explaining my reasons, then figured God does have the all seeing mirror, I'm sure he knows what's happening, and besides he's got bigger things to deal with. Just in case, I prayed to Mother Mary. I figured, woman to woman she'd understand me better. The third big reason this was a major adjustment was, I am a city girl, born in Greenwich Village and a lifetime Queens’ resident. If I needed milk I could walk across the street, not have to map quest a supermarket. So adjusting to country life was a change. I remember my first week up here, talking on the phone to my girlfriend Lisa… "Oh wow a deer, oh look a skunk… oh there's a raccoon." She commented, "Where do you live, the zoo?" Spencer, nature boy, loved it by the way.

Fourth, to make things nice, we had constant construction in Steve’s house for the first six months I lived here… I mean non-stop construction even on Saturdays. I started to think the new rug was a drop cloth. We put in new bathrooms, hallway tiles, new rugs, painted, a new staircase, built a room in the attic, a new back deck… and a bunch of other little things. Constant construction in itself is enough to drive you nuts, especially when you are like me and work from home. I started wondering if we should just set up a spare bedroom for the father and son team that came here every day.

When the construction finally ended, (actually we still have to finish a bathroom) it was torture. Even though there was no more hammering… I heard it in my head. I then realized that the birds do sing and they don't sound like a wet saw. In the end though, everything looked nice and it was really starting to feel like a home.

Okay, so besides the external and internal adjustments, there were also our personal living preferences. I like having people over, and Steve is used to a quiet house. So we had a few gatherings and family sleep-overs. Steve adjusted okay since I didn't make it a common occurrence. I didn't mainly because Steve had no place to retreat to. You see, Steve was very generous in that he had a bedroom built for Spencer, an office built for me, and of course his daughter had her room. But he had no space of his own except on the couch and in the garage which was also shared with the motorcycles, bikes, etc. So if he wanted to be alone… he'd have to either sit on the couch with a blanket wrapped over him and some security tape marking off the area, or go out for a long motorcycle ride. Not fair in his own home.

Then there was the traditional housewife role vs. the career woman. He wanted his home cooked meals… and well you know I already wrote that blog… but I did try… cooked almost three times a week. It's just not really something I like to do, but was willing to compromise for a bit, and in all fairness, he did take us out to eat and order in on occasion.

Then there was the TV issue… he likes it on all the time. I mean 24-7. He says he likes the background noise. Spencer and I are on the other hand are not TV people… we are music and book people. I like the sounds of nature instead. So often we'd retreat to separate corners of the house.

Okay, all that is doable… we realized compromise was needed and there was still love. There was still teasing, still our play wrestling fights, still nights out to movies and dinner… long hours of backrubs, brushing hair, foot massages etc. People kept telling me… you know it’s the Ying Yang Fran… opposites attract… you have what he doesn't and visa versa. It sounded good in theory and it had worked for six years. So what's the problem?

The problem was both of us liked the new arrangement at first even with all the adjustments… but it still felt as if something was missing. We loved each other, but we weren't sure how much IN love we still were. Was this an arrangement out of convenience? Was this settling? Was this what happens to every couple? We didn't know. We just knew we weren't as happy as we could be. Steve keeps things to himself and is not one to express feelings much, I on the other hand feel free to talk, heck I'm telling you guys about it in this blog.

Anyway, I began a massive outer search for information. I read books on love, asked friends in long-term relationships and marriages about love, talked to girlfriends and my guy friends, talked to Steve, took surveys and quizzes. Then armed with all the information I did an inner search. What did I want? What was missing? Am I happy? Life is too short to settle, am I doing that? Am I being unreasonable? Can't people be in love forever? Can't we work on it and make it work?

Steve was asking himself the same things too, although it took a lot for me to find that out. I had thought I was the only one pondering this stuff. So once we found out, we tried changing ourselves to make it work, asking what the other one needs to make it work… but that only lasts for a short while and then resentment settles in.

Twice during this year he had said, "Its not working you need to move out." I was hurt. Then we'd work things out, and the original agreement was back on. We both felt we were on a roller coaster ride, and while I like thrills, I needed my romantic life to be a tad more stable (is that oxymoron?) Then finally, I made an announcement after a disagreement that I was moving out July 31st. When I did that it was as if we both realized how far it had gone. At this point the kids were totally upset. Spencer considers Steve like a father, and Jamie considers me her step-mom… there were lots of emotions running wild at the house.

The next few weeks we all bonded like a family more than ever. Steve and I were all lovey dovey. Now that a date was on the table it changed everything. Were we really willing to end it?

We grew closer… but then questioned if we were getting closer because we meant it or because we are scared to move on. Was fear guiding us? Did we not want to go outside our comfort zone? We knew we shared so many moral values. We both were good people. Damn why does this have to be so hard? If we were actually fighting it would be a lot easier. We call each other jerks and be out of here. But that wasn't happening. On paper we are great for each other. Sure he is more of a homebody and I like doing the adventures, but he has done many of them with me, and after some complaints enjoyed them. I on the other hand learned to watch the Man show with him... hey ya gotta compromise!

There were other things… I loved the lime light and he was totally happy being behind the scenes. (Thus the reason for no pictures in this blog… he HATES being on camera.)

But for the most part we accepted that our kids came first, that we were both workaholics and that we wanted to feel special in the lives of our mates and we weren't feeling it. Could this be society's Cinderella complex? Was there one soul mate for each of us out there? Were we expecting too much? No. We both felt that we loved each other, but that there was something missing and we owed it to ourselves to go and seek the love we both felt we needed.

All my friends were supportive… some said, "This is life… it's a compromise." Others said, "Don't settle", others said, "What the hell do you need to get married for again anyway." Others said, "Just see him on the side and run around the world."

Every night Steve and I would talk. Every night we question if we were doing the right thing. From May till June I used up so many tissues that I should have bought stock in Kleenex. We both kept saying we loved each other but thought we should do this, just to know for sure. Once that decision was set so many reality factors came into play.

Spencer and I now liked it in the country. Did we want to move back to Queens? With his junior license he couldn't drive in the five boroughs, a real problem if we moved back to Queens because he wouldn't be able to drive to Iona College in New Rochelle every day. Even though it was 23 miles by car, by train from Howard Beach it would be a two hour trek everyday, a recipe for failure for a Freshman. So I either had to have him dorm, or rent another place up here instead of moving back to Howard Beach.

Unfortunately, when I contacted the college I found out all the dorms had been taken. I spent two solid weeks looking for an apartment for him to rent in New Rochelle. The cost of both the apartment for him up there, and me paying rent in Queens would equal me renting a place up here. But I hated renting, since I've always owned. With all this indecision, by then my sublet, Tracy decided to move out because I didn't have a definite answer and I couldn't leave her hanging.

So I decided I'd buy a foreclosure. I took a three hour class; spoke to people who had done it, and decided buying foreclosures was a risky business and a full time job in itself. Then I decided on buying a handy man special. I even spoke to my uncle to go into partnership on it, but after talking to a bunch of realtors realized that many of those places are not ready to move into. Finally, I decided I find a place to rent.

After looking at 17 places, I came upon a wonderful place on Lake Oscawana (where there are presently shooting an episode of the Sopranos). Lake Oscawana is in Putnam County, I found out Judge Judy, Dr. Ruth and Roy Sneider all live there.

The whole process, looking at houses, not knowing which direction to go in, making friends with realtors, putting out emails on Craig’s list, searching the penny saver and in the interim, finding a lost dog and feeding a monkey (long story which will be explained in another blog) all lead to where I am now.

And where is that, besides flying around the country for work? (BTW I have to leave for Georgia in about 30 minutes as I write this, so I am rushing to get this off to you.)

I'm still looking to rent my place in Howard Beach and am in the middle of painting it. I'm trying to pack up my stuff here in Ossining, and getting ready to paint the place in Lake Oscawana.

As for me and Steve? Last thing he said when he saw the boxes packed were… "You know, now that I think of it, there is no rush. And besides we can always date each other once you move out." I wanted to smack him.

I guess the bottom line is this. In my life I have never settled for anything. I feel God gives you a life and you should try everything you can to make it as happy as possible and enjoy it to the fullest. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but you have to try. Living with Spencer upstate on my own will be a new adventure. Will I find another love? Time will tell. Will Steve and I realize that we should go back? Time will tell. All I know is that the only way to grow is to push yourself outside your comfort zone. In the process you learn and grow. We create our own destiny and if the choice is a right one… that is great, and if not… I can change it. Whatever the outcome… I'm ready to handle whatever life may throw at me. Play ball!

The Decision

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