Got it? Okay. Let’s discuss.

I have discovered a new human sickness. Maybe sickness is too strong a word. Condition, perhaps? Yes, that’s it. I have a “condition.”

My phone on my desk.

I held a test group of three adult males and the conclusions are remarkable and decisive. Okay, it’s true that the study group was me, my son and his friend Tyler, and I suppose I could have studied a larger sample or surveyed more people to see if they agree with my findings, but I didn’t want to risk having someone disagree with me and therefore bum me out.

I’m pretty sure once you read my findings you’ll see, NO! You’ll FEEL my genius.

But first because I discovered this condition, I get to name it.

My phone on my desk receiving a call from a woman who wants to send me pictures of a rooster and a cat which are best friends.

I officially call it “High-Thigh Vibrosis,” or as we in the study group refer to it, H.T.V.

I know it will take on a more chat-friendly hip-hop street name like “lap dance” or “pocket tinglers” or “shaky leg” or “the mystery tickle,” but for the sake of this high-minded medical discussion, I’ll stick more, um, sciency words.

“High-Thigh Vibrosis” affects mainly straight or gay men and women who don’t carry purses and who also predominantly wear pants or shorts with front pockets.

The condition is caused by cell phones.

Me reaching into my pocket because I feel my phone vibrating.

Yes. Another side effect from these damnable gadgets!

Those in the “study group” routinely program their cell phones to vibrate instead of playing an audible ring tone when receiving a call.

Here is the one and only symptom: I am so used to my front left pocket vibrating when someone calls my cell phone I now feel my upper left thigh vibrating even when my cell phone is sitting on my desk, or on the kitchen counter or in the cup-holder of my car.

Hey, there's no phone in my pocket!

I grab my thigh repeatedly expecting to feel my phone vibrating, but my pocket is empty… and nothing is actually vibrating. And yet I’m certain my thigh felt the vibration. Sometimes my phone is even there, but it’s not vibrating… but I FELT SOMETHING VIBRATE!

What am I feeling? H.T.V.

Chances are it’s happening to you or someone you know. Ask around. When you find most of your male friends agree with my findings you can tell them the name of their condition. Won’t you be the light in the darkness?

So there you have it. Feeling my genius? I’m not just another hairdo on TV. I got me some brains, too.

Anyway, before I get back to my next sciency-tific research project (I’m looking for a pill or a cocktail to cure H.T.V. So far Gin and Vodka are out and Tequila makes my whole body vibrate so that won’t work.), don’t forget to read Andy’s journal on Fridays (he might tell you about a prestigious national award we just won) and watch our national award winning show, Carolina Traveler, every Saturday night at 7:30.

Peace (Though that doesn’t seem likely),

Mike Redding