Highly defining for the CT crew. Definitely defined in a high way. High is the very word that we have resolved to let define us this week.

Okay I’m out of stupid, bad puns that make no sense. Here’s the deal: We start shooting our show in hi-def this week. If you have a high definition television and you watch the few high definition TV shows available you already know what this means. If you have my television set you don’t.

The bosses bought us a fancy new camera and edit gear. And by “fancy” I mean if you totaled up the prices of every car I’ve purchased since I was 16 (that’s seven cars and one pick-up truck) that sum is roughly how much our high definition gear costs!

Now, admittedly, the pick-up truck was what the cool kids call a hooptie. Or is that hoop-tee? Hoopty? Hoop-T? Not sure on that spelling. Can’t find my hip-hop dictionary. However you spell it, a hooptie is a heap, a “beater.” I paid $800 for that pick-up truck… and still got ripped off. I handed the guy eight $100 bills, hopped in and drove it straight to my wood shop… well almost. It broke down about 15 minutes into the 20 minute trip. Things were looking up.

Here’s $800 worth of free advice: if you buy a motor vehicle from a man who speaks no English and insists the transaction take place in a Wal-Mart parking lot, there’s a good chance that motor vehicle isn’t quite right.

Where was I? Oh, the point is this hi-def gear is fancy.

We’re all very excited… even though I understand none of it. All I know is the picture is so crystal clear you can almost smell it. But thank the sweet Lord you can’t. Andy smells like a golden retriever and I smell like composted cow manure.

Basically from now on you’ll see the Oreo cookie crumbs wedged between my teeth with great clarity. Also, my wrinkled clothing will seem more hip. Maybe not. But I have a problem with denial.

I guess I’ll have to start showering with more regularity… and shaving. But that’s it. I draw the line there. I refuse to comb my hair. Haven’t combed it since, well, maybe 1998. Don’t remember what prompted that combing. Traffic court, perhaps. Maybe it was my job interview here at WCNC-TV. It’s always best to make your prospective bosses think you can groom yourself. Even if that’s not true.

I still won’t be wearing make-up. Generally speaking, everyone you see on TV is wearing make-up… even the men. With me, you’re lucky if I shave.

Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe it’s rebellion. Or maybe it’s a general lack of interest. Not sure. Probably all three.

Some things just don’t matter to me. My hair… not so much. My lawn? It’s immaculate. I’m the guy who actually sharpens his lawnmower blades every other week. (Dull lawnmower blades tear the grass and cause the grass tips to brown thus robbing you of that rich green carpet look you worked so hard for… not sure if you knew that.) My wife has to stop me from weeding neighbors’ yards. I have a problem. Andy tells me I need to join Gardeners Anonymous. “Hi, I’m Mike and I love fescue.”

My hair in hi-def will look like a bird nest. My lawn in hi-def will look fantastic!

Here’s the upside: If you think my wit is sharp now, just wait until you can see every smirk with laser sharpness. And my crow’s feet will look like eagle talons. And, and, and you’ll also realize just how large my head truly is… think bison.

I think I’ve made my point. We start shooting hi-def this week. We go hi-def later this year.

It’s a tremendous honor to be the first show from WCNC to be shot and broadcast in hi-def. Probably the first show in our television market. We’ll do our best not to screw it up.

Alright, I have to go see a woman about a rooster.

Mike Redding