Working weekends are tough on me though. I’ve missed a few of my daughter’s tee ball games. Sometimes I nod off in church because I’ve chased breaking news into the early morning hours on Sunday. But there is one weekend ritual I look forward to every week. I love to go to police headquarters and comb through police reports. Sure, most police reports are dull documents that are as interesting to read as an insurance policy. Still, if I have the patience to dig through a stack of paper as thick as the national budget, I will find a report that’s down right entertaining to read.

On every police report, the officer writes a few sentences describing the situation he or she has dealt with. Most of these narratives are statements made by the victim during an interview with the officer writing the report. Ninety nine percent of these narratives read like, “Victim returned to his car to find the window smashed in and stereo missing from the dash.” Dry and to the point.

But, I always find a narrative where the situation is so bizarre it makes me laugh or causes my mouth to drop open despite all the sentence fragments. Here is an example of one that caught my attention. I took out the address to protect the innocent.

Witness called 911 after a customer became very agitated over the price of his bill for automotive service being done at... After a dispute over the bill, the suspect looked at the victim while walking to his car yelling, “I’m going to hurt someone.” Witness states he observed the suspect remove a gun from his vehicle and put in his pocket with the handle in plain sight. The suspect returned to the business and stated “let me finish what I started.” Victim was then transported to the Magistrate’s office to obtain a warrant.

Wow, some scary moments for the auto repair guy. I usually get “very agitated” every time I deal with mechanics too. But, I discovered buying the parts for the mechanic to install instead of having him order them is a better way to reduce repair bills than a gun in my pocket. This narrative was also a cliffhanger. Did the guy with the gun “finish what he started”? I can picture a character in a Stephen King novel exhibiting the same behavior as the agitated fellow in the police report. Because the report isn’t fiction makes the story it contains that much more interesting to me. Life imitating art.

Here are some other reports I made copies of to keep for future ideas. Again, I removed the addresses to protect the innocent from embarrassment.

I responded to a call of a B&E at ... Upon arrival, the suspect was found inside the house in the front bedroom. The suspect acknowledged that he knew he was not supposed to be there but that he just needed a place to sleep.

I guess park benches aren’t good enough for bums any more. Not when there’s a nice unoccupied house nearby with soft comfortable beds inside. This wasn’t the only report I found that I would file in the stupid crimes category of my collection.

On 10/21/05 around 0100 the victim put a pot of grease on the hot stove. The victim went to play a video game and forgot the grease was on the stove. The grease started a fire. The victim left the apartment and called the fire department.

I laughed out loud when I read this one. Martin Lawrence couldn’t have come up with a scene this funny. This guy must have gotten into his game so much that he forgot about the hunger pains in his stomach that prompted him to put the grease on the stove in the first place. It’s a wonder he didn’t burn down the whole apartment building. Man I’m thankful I don’t have to live in apartments any more.

I did find some reports that were not very funny. I was disturbed by these because they described altercations between school children and teachers. I filed these in the unbelievable category.

The listed victim advised that she was teaching her class when the listed suspect had his head down on the desk sleeping. The victim advised she attempted to get the suspect to wake up and be attentive when he responded by using profanity towards her and kicking a desk which struck the victim in the thigh of both legs. The victim did not sustain any injuries and the suspect was issued a citation.

Issued a citation? In my day, this kid would have gotten a paddling and three days of in-school suspension. The wrestling coach was in charge of in-school suspension at my school. He would make us do two hundred and fifty push ups, two hundred and fifty sit ups and two hundred and fifty laps around the track on top of all the school work we had to do. Every muscle in my body was sore for days after my suspension. Now-a-day’s kids get a fine that their parents probably pay for them. Where did society go wrong in dealing with students? Doing away with corporal punishment was the first step in the wrong direction. Just look at what this next student does.

The student was upset during a testing session. When confronted by the victim (his teacher), the student picked up a book and threw it at the victim. The book struck the victim on the left shoulder.

You couldn’t pay me enough to teach kids that have no respect for authority. Especially if society isn’t going to give me the tools I need to keep order in the classroom.

I’ll leave you with one more report I actually learned something from.

The victim stated that she believes that the listed suspects stole her cell phone from her residence at the listed address. She stated the suspects came to her door selling magazines and she allowed them into her house for something to drink. The victim stated that when she went to the garage for drinks it appears the suspects took the phone off of her dining room table and left her residence.

I guess I better think twice before letting a salesperson into my house ever again.