I’m not sure how to put this but my pants are lonely.

My son called and said “I got your message but couldn’t make out what you said. Your voice was muffled”

I replied, “When did I call?”

“An hour ago,” he said.

I checked my call list and sure enough there were two calls from my cell phone to my son.

I hadn’t used my cell phone all day. I was raking leaves. Remind me to tell you about my new 215 mph leaf blower. It blows, it vacuums, it shreds leaves into garden mulch. I could tell neighbors were staring at me as I gleefully danced across my lawn with my 2-speed, Toro, Super-Blower, 3-in-1 yard machine.

Also on the “recently called” list was the number of a rather attractive gal I know. I didn’t call her either.

My pants called her. I’m not sure what that says bout me. I mean when your pants start calling girls for dates, I think it’s time to sit down and have a talk. With whom I don’t know. I’m working on that.

Apparently the gal my pants called overheard a conversation I was having with one of my neighbors about the lawn irrigation system I had installed last week. Remind me to tell you about my new automated, 6-zone, 2-track computerized sprinkler system. I was so excited about it I set my wake-up alarm for 4 AM the other day just to see the sprinklers turn on! I stood on my porch in my underwear, arms folded across my chest, bursting with pride. I got a little teary eyed, I admit.

I’m guessing my pants called this gal while I was planting pansies. I’m sure there’s a joke there somewhere. Feel free to insert your own punch line. Remind me to ask you why they call pansies pansies? Seriously. These colorful little flowers can survive deadly freezing cold temperatures when most others die. They’re tough as nails. Pansies? Seems wrong to me. “Hardies” is more appropriate. I’ll leave that thought right there for now.

Anyway, my pants have a mind of their own it seems. When I told my son it was my pants that made the calls and he wasn’t the only person they were calling, he said, “I worry about you.” He was joking, I think.

I also noticed that I went way over my minutes on my cell phone plan this month. I don’t keep a close watch on that sort of stuff. Mostly because I never used to exceed my calling plan minutes. Now I’m wondering how many calls my pants have made and what muffled conversations others have heard.

You may be aware that I’ve been known to offend a few people with my blunt, let’s call it “off beat” sense of humor. And that’s when I was talking directly to the people I offended. How many more have I offended because I didn’t even know they were listening… in my pocket?

The gal my pants called said she heard clear as a bell the “sprinkler” conversation. Thankfully I was outside doing something manly (again, insert your pansy joke here) and not in the bathroom… or worse, screaming at my television set during a football game that wasn’t going my way or driving in my car singing at the top of my lungs to a song older than her.

I wish I had a tidy ending to this journal. All I can tell you is when your pants get lonely, watch what you say. Oh, and if they’re calling the same girl over and over, maybe some divine power is using your pants to tell you something. Well, that would certainly be a first.

Be well,

Mike Redding

Mike Redding

Mike