Seriously, I really am a news reporter. Stop laughing.

Some of you are new to the area and don’t remember me covering the dead body of the day stories or the “Hey folks, it’s sort of slushy on the roads today so, um, watch for black-ice tonight on your way home” stories.

Now all I do is human interest stories which we craft into a show called Carolina Traveler. But when 6NEWS comes a calling, I hit the road… which is pretty much what I usually do without them, but don’t tell them that. What is different is the “LIVE” TV part. My show is taped, news generally is live.

I haven’t done LIVE television since the last road trip in May… which means I’m a little rusty. I’m also not used to following instructions. When it comes to CT I do what I want. Andy and I talk it over and we make it happen.

Live TV doesn’t work that way. Producers talk in your ear and tell you what to do and how long to do it. Other people have already planned your actions and words. Think of it like prison. I’m in jail and the guards tell me what to do and for how long. It’s a happy, fun prison where we travel and eat what we want. And if I were married I could still have, uhhh, well... So it’s really not like prison at all but yet somehow in my pea-shaped mind it is.

Anyway, there are times on the road trip when things don’t go as planned. For example, Russians who speak no English make for bad interviews.

Let me give you a couple highlights, or in this case, the lowlights...

Road Trip location, Cirque Du Soleil:

If you haven’t seen it, Cirque is a very artsy, colorful, athletic show that leaves you awestruck. Even for ordinary guys like me it’s a sight. I might add, for other ordinary guys considering going, the gals in Cirque are unusually flexible. Just a mention from me to you. Anyway, Cirque is also full of foreigners… who speak little to no English. I was assigned to interview a Swinging Russian (don’t ask) and then three other Swinging Russians were going to vault me 20 feet into the air. Good times. The Russians were running late and there was no time for a rehearsal… problem 1. Also when they showed up I walked on stage and asked for Sergei (pronounced Sir-Gay) and four men looked at me. Yes. There were four Russians all named Sergei… problem 2. Problem 3 was none of the Sergei’s spoke English. I have almost three minutes to fill on live television with the people who live on “Red October.” So without having seen the swinging --or flying-- Russian act and with no run-through I stupidly hopped onto the giant swing and attempted to fly on live television. Have I mentioned I’m an optimist? I’m told it didn’t loom as bad on TV as it felt. But no matter how you dress it up, flying face first into a 10-foot wall of plastic padding is not pretty. The real kicker was my brief and tragic flight only took 20 seconds. I still had two minutes left and now my microphone wasn’t working. So to viewers it was like watching the worst mime act on earth. I went home very depressed.

Road Trip location, The Renaissance Festival:

I spent the day trying to not look at all the cleavage hoisted into the air. Somebody tell me… what is with the Renaissance? All these women, their wastes squeezed so tight that their breasts are up to their necks! Viewers really were watching the boob tube. This is not a complaint, however. Only an observation. But I have a difficult enough time trying to concentrate… just ask my girlfriend. Bombard a man with cleavage-fest and I defy even the gayest man to maintain focus. It’s just not possible. I know this makes me sound terribly shallow. I apologize.

Road Trip location, Hickory, NC:

One of my live “hits” as we call them in the biz, was an interview with a Charlotte Observer reporter about the history and future of the furniture making industry… which is central to the Hickory economy. Problem is, somehow our show was running behind and as they came to me for the interview this is what I heard in my ear piece: “You have 35 seconds.” I’m not an expert on the furniture making industry but my gut told me that 35 seconds wouldn’t be enough time. If you were watching you probably thought, “Wow! He sure is talking fast. I can’t even tell what he’s saying.” God bless the Observer reporter who came down for the discussion that turned into what sounded like me impersonating an auctioneer. SOLD!

Okay, I gotta run. We’re live in Rock Hill tonight at the Ebenezer Grill… you know, the place that had its giant hot dog stolen. I’m not making this up.

See you on the, um, you know what tube,

Mike Redding