Lessons for Texas, From South Carolina

Now that the presidential primary frenzy is headed to Texas, I asked my friend Otis in South Carolina to write a guest post, sharing his primary frenzy wisdom. He's been there and done that many times, since South Carolina has been home to the "first in the South" primary for a long, long time.

His tips are for us lowly local reporters who will now have national press in our backyards and barbeque joints and bars. Enjoy...

Five Ways to Enjoy Your State’s Presidential Primary

1. Embrace your worthlessness
Accept that you are a nobody in the eyes of the national press. The big timers will see you as furniture more than colleagues. Allow them this illusion and foster it by asking members of the traveling press corps to sit on your lap for a rest. Bonus points if you steal their notebooks...

2. Have fun with your gullibility
The candidates and their handlers will look to you for free media. They will allow you to believe you’re getting the big interview, when, in fact, they are expecting tons of free airtime and column inches while they recite their stump speech. Have fun with it! Rather than asking the candidate, “What are you planning to do about the economy?” ask “When did you stop beating your wife?” When the candidates finally recover, raise one eyebrow and say, “I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. Now, tell me…truthfully…how wide is your stance?”

3. Photo op? No! Photoshop!
When a campaign calls you to tell you there will be a photo avail at the local BBQ joint from 2:10-2:22pm, agree that you’ll come only if you are allowed to Photoshop a picture of the Dukes of Hazzard’s Boss Hogg next to the candidate.

4. Become a speech re-writer
By the time the candidates leave your state, you will have their stump speeches memorized backward and forward. Break up the monotony by creating stump speech Mad Libs with fellow members of the local press.

5. Toy with the national media’s ego
Within about five minutes of their arrival, you will take note of the national media’s complete disregard for your abilities and presence. Return the favor by exclaiming, “Oh my goodness! It’s you! You are my idol! You are my unknowing mentor! Can I please have a picture with you?” When they pretend to be annoyed and acquiesce, say, “No, not you, silly. Hank the janitor over there. He does such great work.”