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June 2009
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Christie Humphries: February 2009 ArchivesWell the time has come for my favorite part of the season, "The Christie's Favorite Things" episode if you will, otherwise known as The Women Tell All. ABC gives us one last look at Jason's rejects and gives them one last chance to make fools of themselves. The episode begins with a touching one on one interview with Chris Harrison as he points out to Jason all the different ways he has embarrassed himself on this show, followed by another look at the relationship that just won't die...Trista and Ryan. I'm surprised they don't have a catchy little nickname by now like TRYAN...to hold onto their 15 minutes of fame for ten more years! I do have to admit that their kid, Max, is pretty freaking cute, but I'm struggling to see how Trista's opinion is still relevant. I was shocked to see that Charlie and Sarah are back together. It's nice that ABC has managed to bring together at least 2 couples in 13 seasons of The Bachelor and 4 seasons of The Bachelorette. In fact, ABC is trying so hard to be the next "TV Harmony" that they brought together the rejected men and women from past seasons for a full on Pimps and Ho's Weekend in Vail, which apparently spawned several romantic relationships. So...maybe they'll get another wedding after all. Finally, after an hour of filler, ABC manages to bring out the ladies for their exclusive tell all. Jillian was by far the fan favorite, receiving a standing ovation from several ladies in the audience...and was it just me or did some of the ladies look like they'd packed on a few pounds since the show? I think most of them go on crash diets and starve themselves getting ready for the show and then fall off the wagon the second they drive away in the limo. Don't get me wrong, most of them are still beautiful, but there was a lot of bad hair, caked on makeup and cheap jewelry in that line up. I wanted to snag that sour cherry ball necklace off Shannon's neck. She's just crazy enough to have made it herself out of dental floss. Natalie was the first to get her shot in the hot seat. In her ever so casual tank and jeans, Natalie tries really hard to dispel any myths about her being superficial. She proceeds to tell everyone how terribly it was for her to go without her IPOD and Blackberry all those many weeks and gives Chris Harrison the perfect opportunity to throw the superficial card back in her face. The girl has no idea who she really is and though I'm quite sure that most of the women were hard on her because they WERE a little intimidated by her, overall I think she pretty much deserved everything she got. You can wear those 2 dollar bracelets all day long honey...you're still a spoiled little girl waiting around for some poor sucker to give you what you've always wanted, a black American Express Card. Jillian tried to hold it together as she sat down with Chris Harrison to relive every painful moment of her relationship with Jason. I can't imagine what it must be like to sit there and watch a montage of every romantic moment you've ever shared with someone, followed by the gut wrenching blow off. Jillian made it very clear that she truly fell in love with Jason and believed that she had "the cat in the bag". Chris Harrison then pointed out the fact that Jason basically gave her the friend card. Frankly, if I were Jillian, I would have said, "He wasn't acting like much of a friend in the hot tub now was he". Friends with benefits maybe, but his actions would have given any girl the wrong idea. My favorite part was when Jillian describes Jason as 70% mustard and 20% ketchup. I'm not sure what happened to the other 10%, but I'm pretty sure it's CHEESE. Not only did the crowd rally around her, but Chris even hinted about Jillian being the next Bachelorette, at which point the camera pans to capture the not so enthusiastic looks from all the other ladies...like yeah for her...not. After the break, Jason comes out to face the firing squad and tries to make everyone believe that he's actually excited to be there, which is a load of crap. No guy wants to sit down in front of 23 ex-girlfriends at once. Jillian chose to take the high road and let Jason know that she had accepted his decision, but was a little miffed that he didn't acknowledge that she actually received the first kiss and instead led Melissa to believe that she was the first one. Naomi was able to apologize for the dove burial incident in her back yard and we all got a nice shot of Lauren's left boob conveniently framed behind Naomi's head. I'm sure she didn't know that most of her boob and her bra were showing, but I'm not surprised that the other ladies failed to point it out to her. I mean she did throw them under the bus. What better revenge than to let her embarrass herself on national television. They finished everything off with a blooper reel and a side by side comparison of the final two...Melissa and Molly. Who's it going to be? Rumor has it that he picks Melissa, but then dumps her for Molly after the show airs...it could actually be the MOST UNBELIEVABLE SEASON FINALLY EVER! Don't miss it! On this week's Bachelor, Jason whisks the ladies off to New Zealand to see who's going to be his baby's new momma. Now I could take this time to talk about how beautiful New Zealand is and how amazing and romantic the dates were or how many ways these girls can wear a ponytail, but I'm not going to do that. You all watched the show and frankly after surviving "single awareness weekend...A.K.A. Valentine's Day", I think we've all had enough of the yucky love stuff to last at least a couple of weeks. Instead...I'm going to focus on what went wrong for Jillian. Jillian gets the first date of the night. At least she didn't have to deal with sloppy seconds or thirds after flying half way around the world. Jill's date begins with her standing alone on a mountain top. Jason arrives in a helicopter and gives her one of his famous flying flannel hug and spins. Seriously dude...come up with a new move. He quickly stuffs her into the chopper and they fly off over the snow-capped mountains and land on a ledge overlooking the lake. Now, I think he could have saved her some heartache by just pushing her off the edge right then and there...with a parachute of course, but then again he would have missed out on the Fantasy Hot Tub Date...I mean Fantasy Suite. So of course he sits through another hour or so of her talking about how important it is for her to marry her best friend. Well, I think it's pretty obvious that Jason thinks his clock is ticking and doesn't really want to take the time to develop a life long friendship, he just wants a wife and he wants one now. I also think he's still bitter about her pegging him as a ketchup dude on the first episode and wants to get past all this BFF crap and move onto the passion, so he can prove to her that he's really a spicy mustard kind of guy. So later that evening he takes Jillian to a winery that is off the chain. Gorgeous! I hope they let her stay there for a while before shipping her back to Canada. I actually think she killed it for herself when she took that long pause before answering Jason's question about how she was feeling. Jason seems like one of those guys who will overanalyze everything (like a girl) and that 5 second pause probably gave him just enough time to decide that she must have some doubts. He sat there with a stupid grin on his face while she talked, but I think at this point he wasn't really listening. He was ready to move things to the bedroom. Thank goodness she jumped in and asked where the fantasy suite card was, I don't think Jason was going to last much longer. Apparently, the fantasy suite was just one large hot tub where Jason and Jilian go to shoot soft porn. I was honestly a little uncomfortable watching her straddle him. As Jason put it "we were really getting passionate and into each other"...I'm sorry, that's a little more info than I needed. And was it just me or was the music selection a little strange for that sequence? It was a combination of Jaws, Flamenco Guitar, and Mariachis. I'm quite sure that this part of the show is not going to make Molly or Melissa very happy when they have to watch it. It may make Ty a little nauseous as well. So what went wrong? I like to imagine that the producers edited out what Jason really said like, "I've got incredibly strong feelings toward Jill...my family would love Jill maybe more than anybody...maybe more than anybody I've ever dated"...but I don't like her. I mean what does my family know anyway? I've made lots of mistakes in the past. Third time's the charm right...screw what they would think! or "I really got to see a new side of Jilian"...and I don't like that side. But we'll probably never really know. I wish I could just skip over Molly and Melissa's dates, but there are a couple of things that are definitely worth mentioning: First...on Molly's date, Jason shows everyone what a gigantic wuss he is by screaming like a girl when they bungie jump off the bridge. He even went as far as to ask, "Am I the only one screaming?" Yes, Jason...that is you! Molly actually handled it like a man...kind of the way she handled the fantasy suite card. She didn't even have to ask for it, she made her own! Unfortunately, their suite wasn't equipped with a hot tub, so they had to settle for a romantic evening in the bathtub. On Melissa's date, Jason takes her on a boat ride and gives her a chance to talk about her parents and hang out in a hot pool....for the love of GOD...Really?!! Is this all there is to do in New Zealand? It's get wet with Jason week! The rose ceremony is very dramatic...of course. Each girl arrives in a separate car, as Jason watches the girls' personal videos. You could kind of tell that Jilian was the one that was going to get the boot, just by watching his face as she spoke. He looked really sad and teary eyed. She should have taken that time to do a strip tease or something. That's all men really want to see on video anyway. The rose ceremony gave us another chance to check out Melissa's tan lines. If she's going to wear a strapless dress at every elimination, she should consider wearing a strapless bathing suit top once in a while or get a spray tan.
Jason stands in front of the three women left standing and begins his speech. Melissa...you told me you love me...here's a rose. Molly...you told me you love me...here's a rose. Jillian...I'm sorry I just don't have time to be your best friend...I'm going to have to send you home...but thanks for the hot tub action. Jason walks Jillian out to the curb and gives her one last chance to spill her guts before putting her in the car and walking away. Thank goodness she can look forward to one of those reject reunion weekends with all the other Bachelor/Bachelorette castoffs. Don't miss next week....DeAnna finally comes back to share her words of wisdom on how to ruin a relationship. If you think you've got what it takes to be the next bachelor or bachelorette...go to abc.com and tell us how many dead doves you've got in your freezer. You could be the next contestant on He's Just Not That IntoYour Family. The adventure begins in Canada with Jilian...who is now being referred to as Jill. Jill breaks the ice by telling Jason that she once touched Canada's version of the Loch Ness Monster and oh by the way, "my mother suffered from depression for 15 years...but she's good now". I sat there for a moment trying to wrap my brain around that one. I think depression is a pretty serious thing to bring up the first time you meet someone's parents. I kept thinking...maybe she didn't have to announce that on national television...maybe she should have let him meet her family first, then share all the deep dark secrets. But, Jilian knew her family well. It was apparently a good idea for her to get things out in the open and be the first to tell him, because when Jilian's mom later pulled Jason aside to ask him some questions, she told him about her depression and expressed her approval that he had a background in psychology...you never know when that will come in handy. Jilian's family wrapped Jason in a Canadian flag when he came into the house to make sure he knew that he was not in the states anymore. I'm pretty sure he figured that out after the first "it's good to see you a-gain" and "she's bean through a lot with us". But if the accents didn't make it clear, Granny certainly did. Thank goodness the "beautiful and gorgeous" Jason came along to sweep poor Jilian off her feet. Otherwise, Granny was going to marry her off to a Ukrainian. I don't even think they have hotdogs there. Jason escapes from Canada and joins Miss Molly on the golf course in Michigan, where Molly shows Jason her other special talent...her back swing. Jason didn't look so hot on the course, but Molly's family was more interested in how he looked in a feathered headdress.
Apparently, it was important to Molly's family to make sure that Jason knew how to have fun. So they all dressed up in funny hats and made Jason draw a picture of Molly to express his feelings toward her. What is this...kindergarten? Do we get nap time and recess too? How does his ability to play golf and finger paint show you that he is the right man for your daughter? I'm glad they found his picture "refrigerator worthy"...not unlike Naomi's mom's bird. The 3rd date is the charm right? Not so much. Naomi meets up with Jason in her hometown. He describes her as being gorgeous, fun, and exciting. I don't know that Naomi has ever really seen what Jason looks like, because her bangs are always in her face, but she knows she really likes him and is ready to settle down and start a family. Well not one like hers, but a normal one. It's never a good sign when a girl introduces her family as "their as crazy as they get". The date starts off with a hula hooping contest, where Jason fails miserably, leaving me with doubts about his "abilities". I mean if the guy can't move his hips...I'm just saying...you feel me? However, Naomi's family has no interest in his agility, what they really want to know is if he can bury a dead dove and give a eulogy. Apparently, Naomi's back yard is where love birds go to die. I would like to thank Rosie the dove for sacrificing her life, so that Jason could see that this is not the family to bring his child into. Naomi's father wanted to make sure that Jason would lay down his life for his daughter and do it in the name of Jesus and the Lord....Have you heard of the Lord Jason? Maybe you should consider reading his book...you know...the bible. It's a good read. Jesus and the Lord will give you the inner strength that you need to RUN AWAY! Thank goodness Naomi's mom pulls Jason away from "the fun stuff" to talk to him about her psychic abilities and reincarnation. She even throws in that she thinks Jason was a woman in a past life. Seriously, how did that poor girl have a chance? I feel bad for her. It must be hard to be in a family SOOOO diverse, pulling you in two completely different directions spiritually. It's no wonder that she told her father that she didn't think it would matter if she and Jason had different beliefs...she's never been part of a family that agreed on them. Jason is an expert at the grab and twirl. It seems to be his signature move if you will. He saves his most dramatic twirl for Melissa in Dallas, the final hometown date. She gave Jason a gift for Ty. It was a tooth fairy box for his little teeth and a peace offering, since she had to tell him that instead of meeting her family, they'd be having a cookout with her friends. Her parents were "uncomfortable with the publicness of the whole thing". You could tell she was truly upset and scared that this might ruin her chances with Jason. Luckily, her friends were there to reassure Jason that up until now, Melissa has been "used and abused" by her ex-boyfriens and no one knows anything about her family. I would hope that my friends could come up with something better than that to say. Help the girl out! I think Naomi should have used the "my parents can't make it" line, but not Melissa. She may be right....if he can't meet her family...can he really propose? So who should Jason let go? Well if I had to go by their dresses...I would have picked Molly. Not quite sure why hot pink has become her signature color, but that dress was not so good. I give her props for being the only girl not to wear black, but I have to give it a thumbs down. Luckily Jason wasn't as concerned with what she wearing. Jason gives "Moll" the first rose of the night. Naomi looks a bit like she might cry as Jason announces Jillian's name next. The last rose comes down to Naomi or Melissa. Do you give it to the girl who couldn't introduce you to her family or to the girl who you wish you'd never met her family? You go with Melissa. Less dead doves is always a good decision. I can't help but to feel bad for her. In a way, I wish Jason could take her away and give her a normal life. Not that anyone ever has a completely "normal" life, but I think she is a woman who will thrive in a loving relationship of her own, where she can learn who she is and what she believes in and what is important to her without the influence of her entire family pulling her in different directions. At least she still looks like Eva Mendes...that's gotta work in her favor. Tune in next week as Jason takes the final three to New Zealand to freeze their butts off. Will the hot tub save Melissa chances of finding the love of her life? Probably...it usually does. I'm not sure why it's necessary at this stage to start every show with a ten minute recap of the entire season. Seriously, if you haven't been watching the show by now, you're probably not going to start. And if you have been watching, I don't think anyone needed to see Shannon picking her nose again. It's kind of an image we'd all like to forget. This week's Bachelor starts out with a little heart to heart with Chris Harrison and the girls. They are all cuddled up in the living room in their flannel PJ's sipping coffee like they're in a Folder's commercial or something. The best part of waking up is finding out that they finally get to leave the chick mansion and head up to Seattle to see Jason in his hometown. While the girls frantically try to decide which scarf will go best with their tank tops, Jason prepares to see his kid for the first time in over a week. If I have to be honest, I think Ty is a little pissed. I don't blame the little guy. It's got to be strange for him wondering where his dad is all the time and probably his mother too, since he always seems to be with one of Jason's family members when he's not around. What kind of a custody agreement do they have anyway? I don't think the 80/20 rule should apply when it comes to your kids. Luckily, Jason always puts Ty first, and decides to cancel his extravagant night on the town with Melissa. Instead, he invites her over to his place for a low key night at home, so he can spend more time with his son. It was actually refreshing to watch the four other women express jealously over Melissa's alone time with Jason and his son versus the usual million dollar jewelry and fantasy dates. It shows that their hearts are truly in the right place...or at least we hope. The group date this week was with Molly, Stephanie and Jillian. They all had the opportunity to take a boat cruise around Seattle and check out the house where Sleepless in Seattle was filmed. Stephanie was the first to get some alone time at the helm of the ship. Never one to be accused of having a lack of accessories, Stephanie sported a white fur vest over her black t-shirt, accentuated by dangling diamond earrings, a watch, 2 bracelets, 4 rings, and a lot of blush...I mean A LOT OF BLUSH. I swear all that woman needs to do is tone things down a bit. She's like one of those women behind the makeup counter who's tested everything out on herself. It's just too much. Jason takes the ladies to a local radio station to find out if he can really tell these ladies apart. Jason shares with the audience that he thinks Molly is the best kisser, which actually confirms what Molly told us weeks ago....kissing is her "special talent". Not totally convinced, the hosts of the show, blindfold Jason and force him to try to figure out who's who in a little kissing contest. Jillian goes first, then Stephanie who starts by kissing his hands, because when Stephanie is with a man she likes to "kiss every square inch of him and love him all over"...that's a quote. Molly simply grabbed his face and laid one on him. Apparently, he knows these ladies pretty well, because he guessed every one of them correctly. Not that Stephanie was too difficult...if the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up, it's a pretty good sign Stephanie is making her move. Melissa and Naomi had to listen to the show back home at the hotel. Both were obviously confused by Jason's comment about Molly being the best kisser, assuming that he must have only been referring to the ladies in the studio, because surely Jason would have chosen one of them. I'm always amazed at people's confidence in that arena. Everyone thinks they are a good kisser...not always the case. Sounds to me like the other ladies need to take some lessons from Molly. As Jason put it...different lips, different styles, different people. The kiss may be telling Jason more than they think. Naomi finally gets the one on one date she's been waiting all season for. This is her chance to show Jason that she's ready to start a family. Jason tailored their date by taking her on a tour of Seattle by sea plane and rock climbing in a sporting goods...a date that Naomi referred to as "the best date ever". Really?! Rock climbing on a fake rock in an REI is her idea of the best date ever. Well at least she's easy to please. The other four ladies chilled out in the bathroom back at the hotel during Naomi's date. Maybe it's just strange to me, but it was a little bit weird to see Melissa and Jillian soaking in the bubble bath drinking beers, while Molly and Stephanie hung out by the toilet in their sweat pants discussing their feelings for Jason. I guess the show couldn't spring for a suite with a Jacuzzi, so they had to make do. Jason had a really difficult time trying to make his decision this week. Having been heart broken once before, he is extremely concerned about whether or not these women are really ready. He stops by the hotel the morning of the rose ceremony to spend some additional time talking to Jillian. He feels that of all the women, Jillian is most likely to be the one who could break his heart. I think that taking her away from the other girls, forced her to be more vulnerable and allowed her to show him that her feelings were true. After a long and drawn out sit down with Chris Harrison, before the rose ceremony, Jason decides that he still has a few more questions for Naomi. So he pulls her out of the line up to drag her out into the hallway to talk about her feelings. You know that had to be a lot of pressure. It's like a bad game show, if she doesn't answer the next question correctly, she's gone. Then, to make matters worse, he makes her stand there with tears in her eyes as he waits to give her the rose until the very end. Even I felt bad for Stephanie at this point. She had to wonder what Naomi said in the hallway and if it had gone differently, would she be the one going home? She is incredibly sweet and it was obvious that the other ladies were truly sad to see her go. She put on a very brave face and acknowledged that she never saw the spark in his eyes. As she left in her limo, she spoke of her husband who passed and said she would see him again someday in heaven. It was pretty heartbreaking. I hope she finds happiness again before that day comes.
Tune in next week for the hometown dates, where Naomi's mom introduces Jason to her dead dove Rosie, Melissa's parents are a no show, and we all ask the questions, "Where the hell is DeAnna?" She's supposed to crash the party this season. What are they waiting for? Bring back the bitch! |
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