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June 2009
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Christie Humphries: January 2009 ArchivesAll I can say is...Way to Go Jason! I am so happy he decided not to give out the last rose. For the first time in Bachelor history, Jason decides to chuck three women at once! Before we get into too many details, lets talk about what went right this week on The Bachelor and then we will get into what went horribly wrong. Who would have thought that all you had to do to win a man's heart was compare your relationship to nuggets and fries. Molly's love for fast food and karaoke won her the one on one day with Jason. But Molly doesn't get an extravagant trip to Vegas or a roof top serenade...nope she gets a cheeseburger, some frech fries and a pup tent. You can tell ABC is on a tight budget this year. They are using the same mansion from last season and they can't even afford to biggie size the meal. On the one on one date, Molly makes it clear to Jason that he possesses all of the qualities she is looking for...including the ability to pitch a tent. Jason also enjoys Molly's song writing skills, her super soft skin and her ability to moan. Whose idea of a romantic one on one date doesn't include camping in a cheap tent, eating fast food, and dry humping in a pair of men's basketball shorts? I know I'd be excited to come back to a house full of jealous women the next morning and do the walk of shame in the man's clothes. You gotta love Melissa's comment... "I don't like that she smells like him and she's wearing his pants right now". Yeah that's always kind of a deal breaker for me when I'm dating a guy. The group date was a catastrophe. I think the fact that all the women knew he'd just spent the night with Molly didn't exactly help the situation, but to top it off, they all had to stand by and watch him make out with all of the girls one by one on the set of General Hospital. I'm sure at first the girls thought this was going to be great. They'd have a chance to add some footage to their demo reels and for those who hadn't kissed Jason yet, they'd have the opportunity to do it in a completely unnatural way, so that they would never really know if he had feelings for them or if he was just acting. Note to producers....BAD IDEA! Every one of those girls had an emotional meltdown at the wrap party. I can't even begin to explain what is wrong with Shannon. From the looks she makes with her face, to her crazy eyes and the "I just woke up from an all night binger" hair, I couldn't even look at her without getting visions from the movie MISERY. I was just waiting for her to tie him up and say, "I'm not letting you let me go...Jason...I'm not letting you let me go!" It's bad enough that she starts out by saying that the last time they were together she was crying and vomiting, but she finishes it off by telling him that she's putting her heart on her "shoulder", begging him to keep her and then starts picking her nose with her napkin. She apparently thinks this is the way to turn a man on, because she then attempts to lean in and kiss him. Jason finally stops her and tries to wipe the pieces of napkin off her face. She gives a whole new meaning to word train wreck.
Megan thinks that all the ladies are acting ridiculous and need to MAN UP...well that's easy for Megan to say. She has more testosterone than Jason. She always has this deep, raspy, Lindsey Lohan type voice and she looks like she's one of the oldest women on the show even though she's actually one of the youngest. As far as I'm concerned she got one of the biggest disses of the night. She basically threw herself at him on set and then when he had the chance to reciprocate the affection later...he was not down for seconds. Lets hug...that's a sure sign that you're in the friend zone. She should have known right then that she wasn't getting the rose. Lauren shot herself in the foot. I have a hard time believing that she actually thought she was being funny. Did she really think he was looking for a moody woman to boss him around and tell him what to do? I have a feeling he already married that woman and he's not looking to marry another. For such a pretty girl, she really has no idea how to work it. I get that she was trying to be different and use an approach that none of the other women were using, but there is a reason that no one uses that approach...it doesn't work! Now sitting off in a corner looking lonely and crying seems to work pretty well, but acting pissed off and hateful...not so much. The dreaded two on one date completely ruins the entire fantasy of a threesome. Stephanie, the widow with a child, and Nikki, the one who looks like she's been breast feeding, had the unfortunate opportunity to dance the night away with Jason....together. This date was very difficult to watch, not just because Stephanie reminds me of the crypt keeper, but mainly because it was so awkward to see Nikki so completely lost. I know it must be difficult for her trying to date, when she's really only been with her high school sweetheart, but lets be honest here. If you've been in a relationship for ELEVEN years and he hasn't popped the question, what do you think he's waiting for? He's waiting for another women...that's what he's waiting for! Nikki, you should have walked on that relationship years ago. If you had, you probably would have avoided a lot of the emotional scars and baggage that you are obviously carrying around with you. You are bitter about the fact that you SHOULD have been married by now and SHOULD have already had children, but you are the only person in control of your life. This is your chance...start living it! It's not about being prettier or smarter. You are a gorgeous girl with gigantic boobs. There are plenty of men out there looking for arm candy. But, if you want a man who's looking for substance, then you should consider finding some before you start dating. You can't practice how to be yourself...you have to figure that out. At the rose ceremony, Shannon steals the doilies off of her grandmother's coffee table and sews them onto her dress...or at least that's what it looks like. Jilian explains that she doesn't really get hot or cold. She's from Canada...she's used to extreme weather. And Jason makes it clear that he doesn't have to follow the rules. He's not giving out the final rose, because five women are enough. He sends Megan, Shannon, AND Lauren home...even though she told him not to. I can't let you go without sharing with you some of parting words from our dear Shannon, "When I get home I'm going to use my electric toothbrush and I'm going to give my puppy the biggest French kisses". I'm sure he'll appreciate her brushing her teeth, but let's hope she wipes the napkin off her face first. I'd like to write a kinder, gentler blog and apologize for being so mean to Stephanie. She really is a nice woman and she has obviously been through a lot. Losing her husband in a plane crash couldn't have been easy. I'm sure that most of us wouldn't list "Legoland" in our top 5 places to go on a one on one date, but then again if I were 4, it would be the bomb! I'm pretty impressed with Jason for bringing Stephanie's daughter out to California to spend her birthday. I'm sure that even if things don't work out, this date will be a truly memorable experience for both of them. Okay, enough of that. Natalie, Lauren, and Molly were left behind on the group date, while the rest of the ladies got the chance to strip down and show Jason their boobs. Seriously! I'm not kidding. Jason takes the ladies to have a cast of their breasts made. Of course it was for charity. The plan was to paint them and sell them to support breast cancer research, but still, that's a pretty crafty way to get a look at what you're really working with. I'm thinking the next Bachelorette should consider doing the same. It could really save the girl a lot of disappointment in the long run. I think we were all shocked to hear that the girl who had the biggest breasts was actually Melissa, who revealed that at age 17, she had a breast reduction from a FF to what we see today. I was proud of her. Considering all of the cleavage we saw this week on the Bachelor, it was kind of nice to see someone admit that she had those and decided she'd rather look a bit more like a normal girl. I'm sure she'd be beautiful either way, but still, it's nice to see someone on this show who knows that there is more to life than big boobs. I was also shocked that Megan wanted to paint a fetus on her faux-chest, "because (fetuses) feed off of breasts". Last time I checked Megan, infants breast feed, not fetuses. Equally shocking was when she asked the instructor, "Can women who have had mastectomies breast feed?" Yes, she actually asked that question! And when the woman answered "NO", she continued by saying, "Maybe that (referring to painting the fetus) is a good idea then, because if everyone's going to have breast cancer and their children can't be breast fed, then our future is screwed", followed by, "I really think some of these girls are as shallow as the kiddie pool. And I don't even think they understand half of my depth or where it comes from. I think they just think it's weird." I could quote you for days!!! What depth are you referring to...the depth of your stupidity?! Our future is screwed only if women like you are allowed to continue to procreate. Seriously, who taught you deductive reasoning? That teacher should be fired and so should your OBGYN. I can't believe you are a mother. I will pray for that child daily. The one on one date this week went to Natalie. First off...she was late. Jason arrived in his tuxedo only to find that his date, Natalie, was still getting ready. Apparently, it takes a long time to decide which pair of black heals goes with her little black dress. She should have spent more time on her hair. For someone who obviously cares a lot about her looks, she should really do something about her stringy hair. Now it could just be weighed down with product or lotion from her hands, considering she runs her fingers through it every 5 seconds. Am I the only one who noticed that? It's like she was petting herself. I have to admit, I was a little bit jealous that she got to wear a million dollars worth of diamonds. Sadly however, her bling wasn't enough to distract from her lack of depth and personality. I don't think anyone can deny that she's "super attractive", even Natalie can't deny it. That's exactly how she described herself. But honestly, when Jason asked the girl if there was anything he should know about her and she answered, "I have always been the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes." How is he supposed to take her seriously? He even gave her a second chance to redeem herself when he said "soooo you've got the shopping and the shoes and the sports, what else?" And she said..."I love bears!" I think Jason thought she was kidding, but no...she really loves bears...all kinds of bears. She doesn't want to be stereotyped as this girl who lives in Chicago and likes to party all the time because she has blonde hair and likes clothes, but I have some news for you honey....that's all you're giving us! You can't just say that you have a deep, deep love for children and you know that you were put here to be a mom and then finish it off by talking about how much you love to party. There's no way Jason is going to buy that. Not if he's serious about finding someone to settle down with and be a mom to his son. By the end of the date, Jason makes it clear to Natalie that he thinks she is amazing, but he can't give her a rose. He just wasn't feeling it. Natalie had a really hard time taking the rejection. I'm sure it's difficult for someone like Natalie to accept that her looks aren't enough, because for a lot of men, they would be, but I think this week's episode proves that Jason really is serious about finding something real, not just arm candy. Jason was really concerned about what Natalie said as she left. She wasn't just hurt, she wanted to make sure that Jason knew that there were women in the house that were not good people. Jason wanted to find out who they were. I give four stars to Naomi for not throwing the other girls under the bus and for letting it be known that she wanted to take her alone time to talk to Jason about their relationship and not about the catty women in the house. Lauren on the other hand, had no problem throwing Megan and Erica under the bus. I'm not sure why this was such a mystery to Jason or why it was so important for him to hear the gossip. Maybe it was because the guys always hated Jeremy so much on the Bachelorette, Jason wanted to make sure that there weren't any ladies like that in the house. Who knows...but at least he got the answers he was looking for. I always have to laugh when Jason talks to Nikki. The first thing he did when he saw her was look directly at her chest and say "I love that dress". Of course you love that dress Jason. All you can see is her boobs...I mean how outgoing she is! Nikki spent the entire show talking about what a perfectionist she is and how organized and focused she is, but when she ran out of her perfectly scripted lines, she had nothing left to say. When it doubt, shut up and kiss him. Works every time!
Shannon makes me want to throw up and herself apparently. She looked awful throughout the entire show. She always looks a little psycho, but this week she looked sick too, which just added to her overall creepy stalkerness. She even admitted that she "likes to stare at Jason". I can't believe he keeps her around. She took her one on one time to cry and then she decided to puke during the rose ceremony. What was he thinking? He cuts Kari and keeps Shannon. Really?! Please explain this to me. I understood why he cut Erica, I mean let's face it, if you're playing flag football, you want Erica on your team, but otherwise, not really the kind of woman he's looking for. Kari, on the other hand, seemed like a cool chic. She's cute, she's nice, she seemed somewhat normal, but no, he cuts her and keeps Megan and Shannon. Maybe he just wants to keep a few nut jobs around to keep things interesting. I have to say that I loved Shannon's impressions of all the girls. I only wish they would have given the girls a chance to impersonate Shannon, but then again, maybe one Shannon is enough! Previously on The Bachelor, we learned that vision boards are not cool, salsa dancing is over-rated, and you can never have enough mustard on your hotdog. This week we learned that showing your cleavage means that you are outgoing, that Jason appreciates women with a scary stalker side, and once you're kraut, you're out! Jillian's obsession with condiments and the constant need to say "Get Ouwt!" wins her the first rose and the first kiss from our hot single dad and bachelor Jason Mesnick. Jason prefers to spend most of his dates half naked in the pool, but for this special one on one date, he puts his shirt back on and takes the lovely Canadian, Jillian, to the Disney Concert Hall for a private concert by Robin Thicke. There was dancing, there was romance, and there was kissing on the dance floor. A fact that the girls back at the house did not let her keep a secret for long. Melissa was truly feeling the pressure as she prepared for her one on one date. She was apparently in a relationship from the time she was 15 to 22 and wants us to believe that she hasn't had a date in 3 years, so it's no surprise that she was afraid she might be a bit rusty. Thank goodness she didn't have to be too experienced to eat oysters on the beach and hang out in the Good Year blimp. She managed to get some lip action and the rose. I can't say I buy her story about being a Dateless Cowboys Cheerleader. I think the girl knows what she's doing with her pom poms. The rest of the girls got to go shopping on their group date. They picked out beautiful dresses, shoes and accessories, just so they could take it all off again and get back in the pool. I have to say that I was glad to see Jason take off the hideous gray vest, but seriously, we already had a pool party once today. Whose boobs didn't you see the first time Jason? And how many criss-cross bikini tops does Kari own? At least mix it up a bit girl. You even went with the side ponytail again. Stop it! Molly found the time to show Jason her special talent of making out and Nikki found time to show us her special talent of being a prude. I'm sorry, but first you expect me to believe that Melissa hasn't had any action in 3 years and now you tell me that Nikki hasn't kissed anyone other than her ex-boyfriend of 11 years! Yeah for monogamy! But seriously? Half the women on this show are single moms and half of them are practically virgins! Do you really think a divorced, single dad is looking to marry a woman who's only been with her high school boyfriend? And why do these women think they have a "relationship" with Jason? They've know him for a couple of days. I'll tell you what your relationship is...YOU'RE STRANGERS! Stop crying in the bathroom, stop hiding in his get away car, and stop throwing yourself at some guy you barely know. Have a sense of humor. Have a real conversation to get to know him. Try showing him a part of you other than your insecurity and your breasts! Lisa, the only girl who seemed to have some class, left the show to be with her family and her dying grandmother. You would think that the girls would have some sympathy for her, but they were actually more excited to have less competition. Especially Lauren and Shannon. What bi@tches! Knowing how crazy Shannon is, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that psycho had something to do with it. I mean who comes on the show and knows the name of your brother's girlfriend and your child's birth date. I've heard of googling someone, but this girl probably owns his high school yearbook and dental records. I half expected to see her snag a lock of his hair and sniff it. Tune in next week as Stephanie is reunited with her daughter and her accessories. The girl can never have enough bling to distract from her missing eyebrows.
ABC has launched the 13th season of THE BACHELOR with a familiar face. Jason Mesnick has returned to ABC to show us all that there is life after DeAnna. For those of you who didn't have the chance to watch last season, Jason is the guy that DeAnna dumped, but not before allowing him to get down on one knee to propose, only to humiliate him by saying "No, I can't, I'm in love with someone else". I think everyone watching felt the sting that he must have felt hearing those words. I wonder if it makes him feel better now to know that DeAnna broke up with Jesse too. As far as I'm concerned...they were both too good for Dirty D. Host, Chris Harrison, takes the time to sit down with Jason before the parade of limos arrive, in order to point out all of Jason's past failures at love. This is important of course, because Jason hasn't been made to feel bad enough. They need to make sure that he feels like a total loser before they show him the car load of single moms, widows, and rejects that are about to step out of the limos. Seriously?! I have never seen a season of The Bachelor with this "quality" of ladies...and I've seen all of them. They usually get these young, hot, size 0, dental assistant/sales rep/teachers from all over the county who have never been married, never had a kid, or a pimple or a major life experience to come on this show. But not for Jason! For Jason, they scrape the bottom of the barrel. Now don't get me wrong, there were some beautiful girls and a few semi-normal ones sprinkled on top, but trust me, you would never see a 24-year-old with 2 kids on Brad Womack's season of THE BACHELOR. It's like they figured, he's a single dad, he can't afford to be picky. But I beg to differ, Jason needs to be picky...very picky. He has a kid to think about. I'd rather he stay single than bring another crazy woman into that kid's life. But, then again, I'm not Jason and I didn't get my heart broken on national television. Maybe he felt that he needed to do this to redeem himself. So the first limo arrives and I'm thinking that these girls look okay. Until we meet Sharon, the cross-eyed teacher/amateur salsa dancer from New York. I know that the poor girl was trying to come up with something unique to make her stand out from the rest of the girls, but it was seriously hard to watch. She even made a week attempt to prove they had something in common. When Jason said he had been to Costa Rica, she proudly announced "I speak Spanish!". That's like telling someone you're from Idaho and they respond with "I love potatoes!"...wait I think that is actually how Lisa (limo two) introduced herself. The second group of ladies wasn't much better. Naomi couldn't stop pulling up her top, which she should have used to cover up the hideous tattoo on her shoulder. Megan busts out with the 14-month-old child at home card right off the bat and Jackie was wearing the tackiest cheetah dress I've ever seen, but she was slightly better looking than Idaho potato, Lisa, who has no chin. Now, I know that I'm being hateful, but it's still true.
Group three, takes the cake. Where do I start?! Stephanie is wearing a bright pink bathing suit cover up with gold clips in her hair. She kind of looks "manish" and apparently forgot to pack her eyebrows. For Lord's sake woman, you are 34 years old...how young were you when you started using Botox? You've aged yourself at least 10 years. I know that you are a widow and I feel terrible for making fun of you, but please stop. Just moisturize...you'll be fine. I give Treasure the award for best dress and best stripper name. Raquel from Brazil is amazing, exotic, and speaks three languages, a few too many for Jason I'm afraid...but he speaks a little Spanish! Maybe he and Sharon are meant to be. Shelby is drunk, stumbles a bit on her introduction and rags on her hometown. And finally Nikki's boobs get out of the car...HELLO! No wonder she got the first impression rose. Let's pray she packed some extra double stick tape. The final 10 stalkers arrive and reveal the frightening amount of details they already know about Jason, but no one frightened me as much as Shannon. You know...the dental hygienist who wore the fake teeth. I wouldn't be surprised if he finds her outside his bedroom window later this season. ABC added a little twist this season by letting the women vote off the first contestant...or at least that's what they thought they were doing. Megan received the most votes, but instead of getting her removed from the house, they actually guaranteed her a rose. This is where the claws come out...or should we say b!@ches. That is what Megan called them all as she accepted her rose from Jason. I have to say...I don't think that left the best first impression on Jason or the ladies, but it sure makes for good TV. I have to wonder what Jason was thinking as he stared at the wall-o-women, which is what I call the IKEA cabinet full of photos in cheap Hobby Lobby gold frames. Probably something along the lines of "Do I really have to keep 15?!". But he managed to do it. Birthday girl, Kansas girl, tattoo, blonde girl, golfer, Brazilian beauty, Botox, Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, hot dog girl, fake teeth stalker, no chin, salsa, and scrunchie gold dress girl were the other ladies to receive a rose. It helps me to give them nicknames in the beginning. Let's face it, most of them won't be around long anyway. I hope everyone stuck around to watch the previews...did anyone else expect to see DeAnna again? She's BACK! And she's back for Jason! We'll have to see if Jason has learned his lesson. Will he be single in Seattle or will he finally find his baby momma? Stay tuned..... |
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