Christie Humphries: April 2008 Archives

This week's "fantasy suite" episode of The Bachelor takes us to Barbados where our Bachelor tries to "work out" his feelings for the ladies and narrow the field down to two. Who will make it to London for the Championship match up? Let's start with a little date by date break down.

Shayne (AKA MONKEY) -

Matt meets up with the gloriously accessorized Shayne on the beach. He has to fold back the rim of her gigantic hat just to kiss her. But the hat only accentuates her enormous sunglasses and the fabulous one piece bathing suit that is cut down to her belly button. I'm so glad she didn't go with the bikini. That outfit was so much more "classy"...right?!

The date consisted of them running around on the beach and swimming out to some giant inflatable objects anchored off shore. There is nothing like a girl on a floating trampoline doing toe touches to really set the mood for the date. Hmmm I wonder which producer came up with that one?! I half expected the next date to be female mud wrestling.

Shayne asked, "Do they have palm trees in London?" Basically Matt says something back to Shayne that I translated as, "I think you know the answers to these stupid questions. I refuse to believe that you are the dumb blonde that you appear to be." She laughs and says yes, but then later says "I know they have palm trees in London". Really?! Because I've been to London and I don't remember seeing palm trees. Maybe the Queen had some installed since my last visit.

They meet up for dinner at this fantastic little villa and Shayne reveals that she is falling in love with Matt. Matt reveals that he loves the fact that she plays on the whole sex kitten thing. As Shayne put it, "I love being blonde. I've been blonde since I was 12 or 13." PLEASE!!!! Stop being such a bad example for women. You may think "it keeps things spicy", but trust me honey....if you wind up looking like your mummy...you're going to need more than that blonde hair and 400 pairs of shoes to keep him interested. He may think you are his "little monkey" now, but he's not going to find you so cute 20 years down the road, if you can't hold a conversation that goes beyond how to accessorize or how to perform an on-screen kiss with no tongue. And is it just me or does anyone else think that calling her "little monkey" is a little condescending?!

Amanda (AKA HONEY)-

Amanda, "looking hot" in her turquoise tank and patchwork pants, joins Matt for a little adventure in the jungle. Both of them are afraid of heights, so what better way to test their love for each other than strapping them to a zip line a 100 feet above the ground and scaring the meeps out of them.

Honey, as Matt likes to call her, did a great job putting it all out there on their date. As Amanda put it, "I definitely want to go to the fantasy suite. I know I have a problem expressing emotion. I don't want to lose Matt because I can't open up to him". Matt said that right from the start there was something between them...that's why he gave her the first impression rose. Matt was also the first to say that he was falling for her, before she even had a chance to say it to him, which led me to believe that Amanda was in the lead. She told Matt, "I really feel like you are the kind of guy that I could be with forever". Matt whips out the fantasy suite card and Amanda says "of course" in the fastest time ever. I kind of feel like they got a little robbed on the fantasy suite compared to the private villa and swimming pool on Shayne's date. Go figure Shayne gets the "upgrade". The intimacy "seemed" a lot stronger between Amanda and Matt. More like a real couple than a hook up with a hot blonde that he could meet at the bar.

Chelsea (AKA CAMANDO)-

Now in her defense, Matt never called her camando, it's just a little pet name that I came up with for her and you'll see why later. Matt said that he felt like he and Chelsea found something when they were in Durango. Well whatever they "found" was apparently missing on the first half of their date. The most romantic thing Chelsea said was that her mom was in love with him and implied that if things didn't work out, he might have a chance with her! Granted...Chelsea's mom might have been more appealing than Shayne's, but who suggests that their mom play seconds? Even if she was kidding...not a good start.

The chemistry was hard to find and most of the date was a bit awkward. There was nowhere to hide the uncomfortable pauses and obvious frustration that Matt was feeling. I think the turtles got more action than Matt. Chelsea wouldn't even hold his hand (again). As Matt put it, "I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea". As if he was trying to say to her...I realize that it's hard to feel sexy while wearing a snorkeling mask and a breathing tube in your mouth but work with me here!

At first he says that he's not even sure that he wants to have dinner with Chelsea...mainly because of her hideous dress, but then again, her clothes are always terrible. He tells Chelsea, "If there was a bachelor for the best friend...you would have won it." But that's not what he's looking for. Chelsea tries to explain that she is very passionate and intense, but she is very disturbed by the fact that there are other girls there. "If I get hurt, how am I going to handle this?" Well one way is to take him back to the fantasy suite and take your panties off...which is exactly what she did. She literally does a strip tease for the camera man. She takes off her dress, stands their topless with her back to the camera, showing of her "pretty" white boy cut panties with silver sparkles and pulls on some sexy black mesh night gown, then she takes off her tacky white panties and throws them onto the bed...on camera! She walks back into the room to show Matt her "romantic" side, otherwise known as the skanky whorish side, and his heart melts. He was having the most amazing time with Chelsea. He just couldn't wait to spend more time with his new stripper girlfriend at the Hilton.

Rose Ceremony -

The show ends with Shayne, Chelsea, and Amanda standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Matt walks out and stands in front of them looking rather somber as he knows that he has to break someone's heart. He says to them, "I might look comfortable right now, but I'm a wreck"...in a please don't push me off the cliff if you don't get a rose kind of way.

The first rose goes to Shayne, who looked more nervous than anyone, and the second rose went to Chelsea! Amanda's mouth dropped open as did mine as I shouted NOOOOOOO at the screen. What?! What?! You have to be kidding me! I guess I should have known it was coming...what guy wouldn't pick the dumb blonde and the tramp over the one girl left on the show with an ounce of class?!

I wanted him to drown under that giant floating iceberg thing they showed during the closing credits. I hope Shayne enjoys the palm trees in London and I'm sure Matt's 80 year old father will enjoy Chelsea's strip tease. Lets all pray that she doesn't give that poor man another stroke.

Tune in next week for the Women Tell All...It's sure to get juicy!

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I don't know what shocked me more...Amanda hiring actors to play her parents or Shayne's mom's face! I guess I'll start with Shayne's mom, since Shayne had the first hometown date. If you didn't watch the show, I will try to give you a mental picture. Imagine a mannequin with a dried up blonde wig, big fake eye lashes, hot pink eye shadow and gigantic lips. Then imagine that the face is melting! Literally...that is what she looked like. If you don't believe me, just look at the photo below! It frightened me so much that I had to turn away...and her sister was like a little mini-Shayne. They had the same face, just different hair cuts and clothing. It was like walking into an episode of the Twilight Zone and Malibu Barbie's playhouse all at the same time.

I thought meeting Larenzo Lamas would be the toughest part of Matt's day, but Matt seemed to sail right through that interview. Larenzo pointed out that he wasn't exactly there for Shayne growing up, because he married very young and apparently got out of there after the 9th or 10th plastic surgery. He honestly wanted to make sure that Matt was going to be there to take care of his little girl and not take advantage of her feelings.

From meeting Shayne's famous father, to watching old home videos and playing with her pink too-too wearing dog, Matt seemed to love it all. I still can't quite believe that somewhere inside his head he wasn't thinking...these people are bloody nuts! But you would never know it by looking at him. He seemed to be truly swept away by Shayne and her entire crazy family.

Now, as for Amanda's hometown date, I actually had to cover my face with both hands. I was so uncomfortable watching "fake mom" rub his nipple and squeeze his chest. I couldn't believe that Amanda would take what limited time she had with Matt to play a prank on him. Why would you hire actors to play your mom and dad?! I admit, your real dad looked a little frightening, but what were you thinking? I am truly amazed that he found it funny. It seemed to go on and on and on...getting more uncomfortable and strange by the minute. Yet Matt just rolled with it, dismissing the entire thing by saying, "I think your mum might have had too much to drink". We didn't even get to see him interact with her real family. Amanda just whisked him off to the candle lit room upstairs so they could be alone after dinner. Maybe she knew that the joke went a little too far. Maybe she wanted to apologize for making a fool out of him or maybe there really is something wrong with her family and she didn't want him to find out.

Matt's hometown date with Chelsea actually surprised me the most, not because there was anything wrong with her family, but because he used the "L" word! Matt told her mother that he "fell in love" with Chelsea the first time he met her and was gutted that she might not feel the same way. Going into this week's episode, I was sure that Chelsea would be the one to go home. Then I had to sit there in totally amazement as he said he was falling in love with her. She doesn't even want to hold your hand! What are you thinking? And stop calling her HONEY! It just creeps me out...almost as much as her bad clothing choices.

Poor Noelle really didn't have much of a chance. As he pointed out...he didn't really know her as well as the other girls and even though I think she tried really hard, I just don't think they had enough time to make a connection. You could tell that it wasn't really there for him when her sisters asked him if Noelle was one of the women he was falling in love with. There was a bit of a pause before he said yes and he looked down, which is usually a sign that he is either lying or trying to come up with the appropriate answer. I think that Noelle is a very sweet girl, but in the end there can only be one!

Next week Matt will take all of the women to the beautiful island of Barbados. There will be bathing suits, there will be fantasy suites, and as Matt would say...one girl is sure to be going home gutted.

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I hope it's not just me, but was I the only one chanting Pick Amanda! Pick Amanda! When Matt was about to hand out the final rose? Seriously, just the thought of another week with Marshana and Robin on the show made me want to "walk off".

Speaking of Marshana, she was in "rare form" as she put it this week. I have to give her credit though for getting out there and giving the whole skiing thing a try, cause she did not look like she was having a good time and she fell down pretty hard. Maybe that blow to her head is what caused her little outburst at Chelsea who tried to explain to her why she thought Marshana had a bad attitude and didn't seem happy to be there. NOW I'm not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, Lord knows I don't want Marshana coming after me. Again, have you seen her forehead? That girl is one head butt away from putting some girl in a coma, but let's face it...she wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine!

Thank goodness Shayne was there to intervene. She can stop all arguments with the power of her crazy hats. Forget about her insane shoe collection, that girl had something different on her head every time the camera was on her. And she pulled out an entire makeup counter from her under her jacket while skiing. Did you see the size of her blush brush!? If I were Matt...I would be intimidated. The whole "high maintenance" thing must be growing on him. That or he finds her ridiculousness charming...which to be honest...she can be.

I thought Chelsea's one on one date was interesting. When the Budweiser horses showed up, I thought "oh yeah...now we're going to have some fun!", but sadly no. Instead, we get to witness the most boring sleigh ride in history as Matt and Chelsea drink hot tea and Chelsea explains how she's not a fan of holding hands or PDA. HELLO Chelsea! In case you didn't know...you are on a dating show that is being broadcast to millions of people. I can't think of a more "Public Display of Affection" than that! I started to think you were a total retard until you came up with your own fantasy suite card...that was pretty smooth...I have to give you bonus points for that one.

Now Robin...you didn't really think that the reason he didn't choose you for a one on one date was because he already knew how utterly fabulous you were...did you? He didn't pick you for a one on one date, because he didn't want anymore one on one time with you. You've been making one on one time for yourself the entire season. Did you ever ask yourself, "Why isn't Matt asking me to spend alone time with him? Why do I always get picked for group dates?" Well here's why Robin...because he'd rather be with someone else! Men aren't that complicated sweetheart. If they don't ask you out, it's usually because they don't like you.

I have to say that her death stare at the end of the show was priceless and the last time I checked, "bon soir" is French honey. No one is impressed...least of all the British Bachelor. You ooze of pretentiousness and it's time for you to go. I hope you go home to your giant tea maker and cry about it with your mum!

Maybe next week we will learn more about how Noelle's car accident has caused her to talk like a church mouse and impaired her taste in earrings. One thing is for certain, Amanda's mom touches Matt's nipple and you know you don't want to miss that! It gives me the meeps just thinking about it.

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Hold on...I'd like to break into song. I fear, that I'll fall, soooo hard, on the floor laughing my butt off at Ashlee! Who breaks into song? Who does that? If you don't want the guy to think of you as a song writer...STOP WRITING THEM! And better yet....STOP SINGING THEM! I can't believe he said that he found your voice mesmerizing...more like nauseating. I would have cut you just for wearing those ridiculous black knee socks on the tennis court or for proving to us once again this week that you don't have a handle on the English language. Matt continues to confuse you with complex phrases like "you seem to take everything in stride". He's not speaking a different language Ashlee...that's English! You speak English too and you should know these phrases. You also should have known by the questions he was asking during your one on one time, that your tour was ending here. I'm sorry that you were heart broken, but I'm not sad that I won't have to hear about it anymore.

As for you Kelly, my favorite drunk, what were you thinking! When they tell you to put it all out there...they don't mean put it ALL out there. Who pulls out their boobs? Who does that? And the sparkle bra? Did you borrow that from Britney? Hello...it didn't work for her comeback performance and it's not going to work for you either. "Who wouldn't want this?" you ask...well MATT for one. And I'm pretty sure most of the sober men in America aren't looking to settle down with the girl whose motto is...when the going gets tough...show everyone how big your boobs are. Nothing says class like that!

Now onto the biggest shocker of the night...Marshana vs Holly. Please raise your hand if you are confused by this one. First of all, I knew the date was going to be strange when they brought out the "Date Pot" instead of a "Date Box", giving us the illusion that they were going on a cooking date, yet I don't remember them cooking anything. The entire concept of the Two on One Date apparently sent Marshana over the edge, as she realized that she could be going home. At this point I have to stop and point something out... MAN does that girl have a lot of forehead! I guess that's why she decided to wear the Chef Boyardee hat on their date.

Anyway, in my opinion, the kiss between Matt and Marshana was awkward, the conversation seemed forced, and I saw absolutely no sparks between them. So what am I missing? Was it Holly's response to Matt's question about moving to London? I think she said something along the lines of "I could survive floating on a cracker in the Pacific as long as I'm with you Matt" and "No problem, I was already planning to move to London with you anyway" Who knows...I still thought she was sweet and honest and I can't believe he chose to send her home. I guess he wants a girl who can make her own clothes and likes to wear fake crystals on her head...go get em Marshana!

So now who are we left with? Well there is the new and improved British version of Robin, who continues to annoy the girls with her knowledge of tea. There is Chelsea who apparently loves to wear sweat bands on her head. Meepers (AKA AMANDA) who finally came out of her shell this week and showed her true personality and sense of humor. Shayne the actress/tumbler/shoe collector and Noelle the silent one...I still have no idea who she is. I actually had to look up her name. Why is she still on the show? Maybe we'll find out next week!

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The ladies' true spirit of competition comes out this week as host Chris Harrison reveals that there will be 2 one on one dates and one group date, giving the remaining 10 lucky ladies the chance to fight for their man.

Matt goes on his first one on one date with Holly to Grauman's Chinese Theatre, where Holly wears what I swear can only be described as an animal print bathing suit cover up with heals. They are interviewed by the mock paparazzi as they walk the red carpet into the premiere of Maid of Honor...the sponsor of this week's episode...PLEASE! Matt and Holly are given a private viewing of the movie, where we get to see their laughter and tears, followed by a quiet evening at the Roosevelt Hotel. Matt explained that he was extremely comfortable around Holly, but wasn't sure if there was enough electricity....so of course they have to get in the tub! How can anyone know if there is TRUE chemistry until they have a chance to curl up in an enormous bathtub in their bathing suits, surrounded by candles and bubbles? Oh yeah...that saucy tart got a rose!

Next came the group date. What could possibly fulfill this British hottie's fantasy more than watching 10 girls role around in the mud engaging in his favorite past time...rugby?! The group date begins with some warm ups, where all of the girls lunge around the field in extremely short shorts and rub mud on themselves for attention. After splitting up into two teams, we get to see which girls have what it takes and which ones wind up with busted lips and frozen peas in their mouth. I'm not actually sure if it was frozen peas that they stuck in Marshana's mouth, but it was definitely one of the most original ways I've seen a girl steal some one on one time.

In order to reward the ladies for all of their hard work, Matt brings the ladies back to his bachelor pad for a little pampering. I thought it was funny to listen to Marshana talk about how thoughtful it was of Matt to think about bringing in the masseuses...like it was his idea! Seriously, you girls aren't that stupid. Matt doesn't have anything to do with it. The producers come up with that stuff. How else are they going to get more half naked shots of the ladies in compromising positions with Matt? They can only shoot so many pool scenes. Case in point, after Matt's cannonball into the pool, Matt invites Captain Kelly to have a one on one massage session, where Kelly basically mounts him like tiger, and shows him just what she can do with her paws.

The ladies are forced to compete for Matt's attention and carve out some alone time. Robin seemed to be the BIG WINNER when it came down to getting her man. Matt tells Robin that he loves her because she's smart and she's beautiful and she's not afraid to get her hands dirty. Then he invites her to get into the hot tub to get them clean. A little predictable, but she does get a kiss and the rose. This seemed to be the last straw for the ladies. The claws definitely came out after that and so did drunk Kelly, as she explained, "that never in a million years, if I was a dude, would I want to date her". Well that is a relief and I'm sure that Robin can sleep easy now that she doesn't have to worry about your advances.

The final one on one date goes to Shayne, who has the "MOST DRAMATIC WARDROBE CHANGES" on the show. Who goes from wearing a retro style t-shirt and straw hat, to a black mini dress and knee high white leather boots? That would be Shayne. Thank goodness Holly remembered to pack her portable self tanning machine...no I'm not kidding. I don't know how Shayne would have survived her date without the extra coat of self tanner. But of course Matt is so excited for his "hot date, with a hot girl, in a hot car" that he barely has a chance to notice.

Matt and Shayne take a drive to an amazing wine estate, where Matt tries to figure out whether Shayne is the "best thing since sliced bread or one sandwich short of a picnic". The one thing that Shayne does reveal is that her father is the "Renegade", Larenzo Lamas. I'm sure that he would be extremely proud of his little girl as she explains just how high maintenance she really is. As she puts it, this is her top 5, "I'm into cars, shoes...oh my God, hand bags, sunglasses, and watches. I think you can have all those 5 and it really doesn't matter what you're wearing on your body." Apparently it doesn't matter whether you have intelligence or a genuine personality either...as long as you have amazing eyes and 400 pairs of shoes...you're gonna get a rose from Matt...Shayne did.

The remaining girls tear into Robin before the rose ceremony for taking Matt away during Amy's one on one time. Ohhh here she comes...Robin's a man stealer...watch out girls she fights for what she wants! I'm hoping a few of you caught the Hall & Oates reference. Anyway...I think they were all just looking for reasons to hate on that girl, but the fact is, her strategy worked. Amy went home.

The episode would not be complete without Amanda and the "meeps", who once again prevailed as one of Matt's top picks. Christine and Erin S., however were not as lucky. I guess when Matt pictures his dream girl, she doesn't have the voice of a waitress from a road side truck stop or work full-time as a hot dog vendor...go figure!

Oh and If I were you Shayne...I'd tell those girls to stay out of my luggage and keep their stanky feet out of my shoes!

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