This week's "fantasy suite" episode of The Bachelor takes us to Barbados where our Bachelor tries to "work out" his feelings for the ladies and narrow the field down to two. Who will make it to London for the Championship match up? Let's start with a little date by date break down.

Shayne (AKA MONKEY) -

Matt meets up with the gloriously accessorized Shayne on the beach. He has to fold back the rim of her gigantic hat just to kiss her. But the hat only accentuates her enormous sunglasses and the fabulous one piece bathing suit that is cut down to her belly button. I'm so glad she didn't go with the bikini. That outfit was so much more "classy"...right?!

The date consisted of them running around on the beach and swimming out to some giant inflatable objects anchored off shore. There is nothing like a girl on a floating trampoline doing toe touches to really set the mood for the date. Hmmm I wonder which producer came up with that one?! I half expected the next date to be female mud wrestling.

Shayne asked, "Do they have palm trees in London?" Basically Matt says something back to Shayne that I translated as, "I think you know the answers to these stupid questions. I refuse to believe that you are the dumb blonde that you appear to be." She laughs and says yes, but then later says "I know they have palm trees in London". Really?! Because I've been to London and I don't remember seeing palm trees. Maybe the Queen had some installed since my last visit.

They meet up for dinner at this fantastic little villa and Shayne reveals that she is falling in love with Matt. Matt reveals that he loves the fact that she plays on the whole sex kitten thing. As Shayne put it, "I love being blonde. I've been blonde since I was 12 or 13." PLEASE!!!! Stop being such a bad example for women. You may think "it keeps things spicy", but trust me honey....if you wind up looking like your mummy...you're going to need more than that blonde hair and 400 pairs of shoes to keep him interested. He may think you are his "little monkey" now, but he's not going to find you so cute 20 years down the road, if you can't hold a conversation that goes beyond how to accessorize or how to perform an on-screen kiss with no tongue. And is it just me or does anyone else think that calling her "little monkey" is a little condescending?!

Amanda (AKA HONEY)-

Amanda, "looking hot" in her turquoise tank and patchwork pants, joins Matt for a little adventure in the jungle. Both of them are afraid of heights, so what better way to test their love for each other than strapping them to a zip line a 100 feet above the ground and scaring the meeps out of them.

Honey, as Matt likes to call her, did a great job putting it all out there on their date. As Amanda put it, "I definitely want to go to the fantasy suite. I know I have a problem expressing emotion. I don't want to lose Matt because I can't open up to him". Matt said that right from the start there was something between them...that's why he gave her the first impression rose. Matt was also the first to say that he was falling for her, before she even had a chance to say it to him, which led me to believe that Amanda was in the lead. She told Matt, "I really feel like you are the kind of guy that I could be with forever". Matt whips out the fantasy suite card and Amanda says "of course" in the fastest time ever. I kind of feel like they got a little robbed on the fantasy suite compared to the private villa and swimming pool on Shayne's date. Go figure Shayne gets the "upgrade". The intimacy "seemed" a lot stronger between Amanda and Matt. More like a real couple than a hook up with a hot blonde that he could meet at the bar.

Chelsea (AKA CAMANDO)-

Now in her defense, Matt never called her camando, it's just a little pet name that I came up with for her and you'll see why later. Matt said that he felt like he and Chelsea found something when they were in Durango. Well whatever they "found" was apparently missing on the first half of their date. The most romantic thing Chelsea said was that her mom was in love with him and implied that if things didn't work out, he might have a chance with her! Granted...Chelsea's mom might have been more appealing than Shayne's, but who suggests that their mom play seconds? Even if she was kidding...not a good start.

The chemistry was hard to find and most of the date was a bit awkward. There was nowhere to hide the uncomfortable pauses and obvious frustration that Matt was feeling. I think the turtles got more action than Matt. Chelsea wouldn't even hold his hand (again). As Matt put it, "I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea". As if he was trying to say to her...I realize that it's hard to feel sexy while wearing a snorkeling mask and a breathing tube in your mouth but work with me here!

At first he says that he's not even sure that he wants to have dinner with Chelsea...mainly because of her hideous dress, but then again, her clothes are always terrible. He tells Chelsea, "If there was a bachelor for the best friend...you would have won it." But that's not what he's looking for. Chelsea tries to explain that she is very passionate and intense, but she is very disturbed by the fact that there are other girls there. "If I get hurt, how am I going to handle this?" Well one way is to take him back to the fantasy suite and take your panties off...which is exactly what she did. She literally does a strip tease for the camera man. She takes off her dress, stands their topless with her back to the camera, showing of her "pretty" white boy cut panties with silver sparkles and pulls on some sexy black mesh night gown, then she takes off her tacky white panties and throws them onto the bed...on camera! She walks back into the room to show Matt her "romantic" side, otherwise known as the skanky whorish side, and his heart melts. He was having the most amazing time with Chelsea. He just couldn't wait to spend more time with his new stripper girlfriend at the Hilton.

Rose Ceremony -

The show ends with Shayne, Chelsea, and Amanda standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Matt walks out and stands in front of them looking rather somber as he knows that he has to break someone's heart. He says to them, "I might look comfortable right now, but I'm a wreck"...in a please don't push me off the cliff if you don't get a rose kind of way.

The first rose goes to Shayne, who looked more nervous than anyone, and the second rose went to Chelsea! Amanda's mouth dropped open as did mine as I shouted NOOOOOOO at the screen. What?! What?! You have to be kidding me! I guess I should have known it was coming...what guy wouldn't pick the dumb blonde and the tramp over the one girl left on the show with an ounce of class?!

I wanted him to drown under that giant floating iceberg thing they showed during the closing credits. I hope Shayne enjoys the palm trees in London and I'm sure Matt's 80 year old father will enjoy Chelsea's strip tease. Lets all pray that she doesn't give that poor man another stroke.

Tune in next week for the Women Tell All...It's sure to get juicy!

---