A Polish building contractor found this out the hard way when he was busted sharing a private moment with a vacuum cleaner in the breakroom of a hospital where he was working, The Daily Telegraph reports.

But perhaps the best part of the ordeal is the cleaner was a Henry Hoover, and Henry Hoover is a little red vacuum with a smiley face on it and a hose where his nose would be.

Tee hee.

The security guard who caught him reported it to his bosses.

But when he was questioned about it, the contractor said he was just vacuuming his underpants, an act he called "a common practice in Poland."

Indeed.

---

Behold: My four-pronged plastic spoon of doom

Everybody freeze!!!! This man's got a spork, and he's not afraid to use it!!!!

That's right, baddies. Leave your guns, your brass knuckles and your knives at home.

The new weapon of choice for robbers in the know is the spork.

It's true. Anchorage police recently arrested a dude who stole a man's watch while armed with a plastic-pronged spoon of doom, The Anchorage Daily News reports.

The victim thought Peter Albert was swinging a pocket knife at him, but when police saw four parallel scratches on his side, they knew it was something much more ... um ... sinister.

Cops arrested Albert a few blocks from the scene of the sporking, drunk as a skunk and armed with a backpack full of fast food bags, sporks, wet noodles, noogie makers, wet willie administrators, Indian burners and devices with which to steal one's nose.

---

Just shoot me. Really.

Say you want to call in sick to work.

You have many options.

You could pretend to have a cold, you could fake a fever, you could procure a phony stomach ailment or you could ask your buddy to shoot you in the arm.

You pick.

Daniel Kuch, inexplicably, chose the latter, The Associated Press reports.

When sheriff's deputies first spoke with Kuch in Franklin County, Wash., he told them he'd been jogging when someone drove by and busted a cap in his arm.

Riiiiiiight.

Except Kuch couldn't stick to his story. He later admitted he asked a pal to shoot him so he could get some time off and avoid taking a drug test.

D'oh!