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June 2009
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You know you're having a bad day when you can't find your drawers. You know you're having a really bad day when you get your head stuck in a clothes dryer while you're looking for said undies. But if you end up trapped, bare-bottomed with the dryer on your head and a crowd of friends, police officers and paramedics gathers to point and laugh ... well ... you're starring in a bad day trifecta the likes of which normally exists only in my fondest dreams. According to the Timaru Herald, Chapman had been downing some brewskies with his buds in New Zealand when he decided it was high time to change his clothes. (Why not?!) Chapman's quest to procure clean underwear led him to a heavy-duty dryer. "By that time, I'd had a fair bit to drink; I don't know what flaming possessed me to get in it. I was trying to find these undies when everything just got stuck," he told the Herald. And when Dave Chapman gets stuck, he does it right. Continue reading "Nude dude looking for undies gets head stuck in dryer ... Oops" It's finally summer, folks! You know what that means? Cockroaches the size of small children? Yes! Car seats so hot they burn your behind? You bet! But - perhaps most importantly - it's time for the oft-dreaded family vacation. You know, where you pack your screaming children in a tiny car with about 6,000 pieces of luggage and a grandparent of some variety and take off on an adventure, putting the "fun" in dysfunctional. Happy times! But aside from your vile, bratty, ridiculously filthy siblings who WON'T STOP TOUCHING AND/OR LOOKING AT YOU, most family vacations are sorely lacking in one particular area: germs. That's where TripAdvisor comes in. They've put together a list of the top 5 germiest world attractions so you don't have to waste your time on the sterile ones. Yaaaay! So pack your bags, grab a handful of antibiotics from your medicine cabinet and head on over to ....
Continue reading "Behold: The top 5 germiest vacation spots" Being an American grants a person a certain number of liberties. You have the right to free speech, freedom of religion, the right to a fair trial and the right to sit on your behind all day long in your jammies eating Cheez Whiz and watching "Cops" if you feel like it, dang it. (Best. Country. Ever.) But a couple in Colorado believe they have to right to garden in thongs and pasties, and - shocker--that's not sitting well with their neighbors. Continue reading "Naked gardeners not popular with neighbors" While women remain divided on the facial hair issue, I think we can all agree on at least one thing: A man with a beard in the shape of a snowshoe is exactly the kind of man you bring home to mama. (P.S. In my house, "bring home to mama" is code for "run from in the street.") Ladies, meet David Traver. The Associated Press reports that Traver, who lives in Anchorage, won the freestyle category in the World Beard and Moustache Championships by fashioning his face mop into a snowshoe. A snowshoe. Made of beard. Let us pause for a moment to soak that in. (Gives a whole new meaning to putting a foot in the mouth, no?)
Continue reading "Man fashions beard into snowshoe, wins prize, remains dateless" Whenever you metaphorically (or physically) faceplant into one of life's inevitable failures, people (once they are done pointing and laughing) always say things like "You can't win 'em all" or "Win some, lose some" or "Better luck next time" or "You have the right to remain silent." But if you had a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt, you would never have to hear those things again. You see, it isn't just any old shirt. This shirt is a legend on the Interwebs.
Apparently, a set of ironic reviews about the shirt on Amazon.com went viral, and now it's one of the most popular items on the site. Seriously. The BBC reports that it all started with a single review of the shirt. The review listed some of the pros of the garment as "fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women." A con? "Cannot see wolves with arms crossed." Teehee! But they get even better than that. Behold, these actual reviews from Amazon.com of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt: "When I put this T-shirt on for the first time, my wife left me! Thank you, Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt!" "the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength... and I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city." "Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather." Continue reading "This may be the funniest thing on the Internet" Living in your parents' basement as a 28-year-old dude is embarrassing. According to my mother, having a messy room is also embarrassing. And, if you ask this blogger, working in politics is a pretty embarrassing endeavor, too. But being a 28-year-old political consultant who lives in his mother's basement and made such a mess of the place that his dad called the cops ... That's just ... That's just more comic material than I know what to do with. Continue reading "Dad calls 911 over son's messy room"
Why? Because I just read a story about a gun fight at Waffle House. (Cue the twangy guitar and tumbleweeds.) It happened in South Carolina. According to WLTX, a group of hungry people, including some chick named Crystal Samuel, went to a Clarendon County Waffle Wouse for some greasy grub. That's where they encountered waitress Yakeisha Ward. "I thought I was gonna get me an All-Star," Samuel told WLTX. "Grits, sausage, toast, eggs and a waffle." As it turns out, that All-Star would come with a side order of whoopin'.
Continue reading "Nothing says 'fun' like a Waffle House grudge match" The best part about going out to eat is when you get a little something extra. You know, like a little extra whipped cream on your sundae, or a little extra martini when they mix too much, or an extra friendly waiter. But no one - and I mean no one - ever wants a little extra disembodied snake head with their broccoli. Yum yum yum. The Associated Press reports some dude in New York got exactly that when he went to get his nosh on at a TGI Friday's. The unlucky diner said he was munching at a restaurant in Clifton Park when he spotted something gray mixed in with his veggies. Upon closer examination and before he probably fell out of his chair and died a little inside, he discovered that gray stuff was a thumb-sized snake head with part of the spine still attached. Gross. Seriously, gross. Like even grosser than some of the gross stuff I've seen my gross friends eat at gross sushi restaurants. Gross. Continue reading "Man says he got a free snake head with his veggies at TGI Friday's" Ahhhh, treasured family vacation memories from your long-awaited trip to England. You know, the pic of you and the kids in front of Big Ben, a shot of all of you piled into one of those red phone booth thingies, maybe a quick candid of the fam on a double-decker bus ... oh, and that sloppy, puke-inducing video of the drunk people getting busy in the queen's front yard. Ummm ... yeah. So maybe that last one is a little out of the ordinary. But according to The Associated Press, it happened to a group of vacationers in London. Continue reading "Couple caught gettin' busy on Windsor Castle lawn" They say you are what you eat. So unless you're feeling felonious, you might want to stay away from a certain hot dog stand in Chicago. You see, this dude named Jim Andrews is opening up a dog shop where ex-cons can sling snacks. Mmmmm ... delicious deviance. He's calling the place "Felony Franks," The Chicago Sun Times reports. But it gets even better than that. Andrews has crime-themed menu items and snarky slogans, to boot. "Food so good, it's criminal," and "Home of the misdemeanor wiener," are a few of this blogger's personal faves.
Continue reading "Felony Franks: Home of the Misdemeanor Wiener" Bras. Gotta love 'em. They selflessly sit there, fighting the good fight against gravity, and get nary a note of praise. But one woman in Detroit better be singing the praises of her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, because police say it actually deflected a bullet during a break-in. Seriously.
Continue reading "Bullet deflected by underwire bra" I don't know about you guys, but I often dream about what I'd do if I won the lottery. You know, really awesome, outlandish stuff like fill my swimming pool up with Cherry 7up, buy my very own cloak of invisibility and wear it to work just to freak out my boss, or even - dare I dream - pay off my student loans. But my lotto-winning fantasies do not include hairy, naked people on horseback. Clements hit a $3.3 million jackpot in - where else? - Florida back in 2004, the Associated Press reports. Now he's apparently decided that farm livin' is the life for him. But not just any farm livin' will do. Clements wants his farm to be a "nude dude ranch," or, as my therapist likes to call it, "a very bad idea indeed."
Continue reading "This just in from the Dept. of Bad Ideas: The nude dude ranch" Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not use your birthday candles as earplugs. Wait - WHAT?! (Hang on ... Lemme get these candles out of my ears. Can't hear a thing!) All better. There's plenty of advice to be had out there. But some of it is ... well ... just really, really stupid. Don't believe me? Just check your nearest warning label. FOXNews.com recently interviewed this guy, Bob Dorigo Jones, who wrote Remove Child Before Folding: The 101 Stupidest, Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever. Jones told FOX that, these days, manufacturers go out of their way to keep consumers safe - and thereby protect themselves from lawsuits--by warning about all sorts of potential dangers ... even if they don't seem plausible at all. They're like the bumper lanes on life's big bowling alley - unnecessary for most, but just right for children and idiots!
Continue reading "Warning labels keep fools safe, everyone else laughing" You know what the world needs now? Here's a hint: It's not love, sweet love. It's huffable chocolate. Yep. Some dudes from Harvard and the Illinois Institute of Technology have developed chocolate that you actually breathe, rather than eat, the Chicago Tribune reports. It's called Le Whif. It comes as an inhaler-type thingy full of chocolate particles. The science-types say those particles are too big to get in your lungs and make you cough. This strikes me as a little odd, because if I was going to choose a kind of particle to inhale, it would probably be a small one. But in this blog, we'll leave the science to those who didn't just last weekend tell their husband that she did not know how to divide 2/3 of a cup of sugar in half, and therefore had to make a full recipe of approximately eleventy-bajillion cookies. I digress. Continue reading "Too lazy to chew? Try breathing your food instead" You know what's better than a free bag of poop? A free bag of the poop of a champion! Duh. It's happening in - you guessed it! - Paris. A racetrack there will be handing out bags of horse dung to everyone who comes out to their main event this Saturday, the AFP reports. Who doesn't love a homemade party favor?!
Continue reading "Racetrack to give out free bags of poo" Driving drunk is really dumb. Driving drunk on a motorized bar stool is ... well ... that's just taking things to a whole new level. (We call that level "blog-worthy.") Police in Ohio said they received a call about a crash with injuries on March 4, the Associated Press reports. Continue reading "Man charged with drunk driving on bar stool" A poll conducted for the Oxygen network revealed what exasperated husbands have been saying since the dawn of man: Women are nuts. According to Reuters, 25 percent of the more than 2,000 ladies surveyed said they would rather win "America's Next Top Model" than a Nobel Peace Prize. (Insert uncomfortable silence here.) Ahem ... but it gets even better than that - 75 percent of the women surveyed said they'd shave their heads to save a stranger's life, and 88 percent said they'd happily give up their cell phone, jewelry and makeup to keep a friendship ... but more than a fourth of them said they would make their best friend fat forever if it meant they could sport a svelte physique.
Continue reading "Survey: Your best friend wants you fat" Have you ever met someone who has no inner monologue? I often say this about my mother. Like, she'll be sitting there doing things that moms do, except she's giving a play-by-play narration of her activities to no one in particular. "I'm going to buy these apples," she'll say, looking pleasantly off to her left, unaware of the two of three people standing next to her in the grocery line who are wondering if they should acknowledge her plans. Since she's not a crook, her stream-of-consciousness soliloquies are--at their worst - marginally embarrassing. Not so for Michael Anthony Sessions. Police in Vero Beach, Fla., say Sessions had a serious case of the walkie-talkies when he stole a bottle of booze from a liquor store and went out back to drink it ... while telling the clerk he was doing just that, the TC Palm reports. Continue reading "Play-by-play narration unnecessary when stealing booze" Nobody likes it when Rover comes over and leaves a lawn ornament in their yard. But one German lawmaker wants to take that fight to a whole new level, the AFP reports. That's right. He's going to call out the CSI squad ... for poop.
Continue reading "Lawmaker wants to DNA test abandoned pet poop" Certain love affairs are so sweet, so star-crossed that they become the stuff of legend. You know the ones: Romeo & Juliet, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, Cinderella and Prince Charming, the guy who put his nagging wife up for sale in a trade magazine... Ummm ... never mind that last one.
Continue reading "Man tries to sell nagging wife in magazine ad" Ahhh, New Jersey. Motto: Reinforcing native state-related stereotypes since 1787. Does that seem harsh? It's not. I say it lovingly, because I've lived there. I have fond memories of New Jersey ... like the time I slipped in puke on the floor of the PATH train. Or the time I leaned out of my 15th-floor window, took a deep breath, gazed out upon the stacks of grey metal crud and concrete in the shadow of the Manhattan skyline and dreamt of all the places I could hide a body in my immediate periphery. It goes without saying that there is plenty to do there. But boy, do I wish I would've been there when they started up this pastime: car fishing.
Continue reading "In Jersey, they fish for cars. I want a Benz!" |
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