KHOU For Men Only

What happens in Vegas... Ends up on the blog

2008-06-26T07:05:01Z

Sure gas is about $4 a gallon, electricity prices are soaring and airlines have gone from nickel and diming us to Twenty- and Fifty-bucking us to bring on luggage.
But there are still bargains to be made in this world for guys looking to have a good time.
And no better bargain can be found than those in the Mecca of Guydom - Las Vegas.

]]> This weekend marks one of my quad-annual trips to Sin City. And this trip is one of the best because it is strictly an all-guys weekend.
Vegas is best experienced with friends. And when you travel as a group, you automatically save money.
You split the room charges, taxi fares are shared and many times, you get extras because you are in a group - including free admission to certain clubs.
And then of course there's the "savings" on drinks. Sit and play at the slot machine and the booze if "free."
Many will argue that the free drinks policy for gamblers ain't really free because you are dropping currency into the slots or at the blackjack table while waiting for your "free drink."
But I know of guys who have mastered the art of free booze at the slots.
Couple of their rules.
1) The higher the bet, the more visits by the waitress. So, if you are dropping nickels into the slot machine, the waitress does not pass by nearly as often as she does at the $1 slots of $5 slots. The recommendation here is to hand out at the 25 cent slots that are not to far from a bank of the $1 slot machines and make sure you set at slots that are between the $1 machines and where the waitress picks up the drinks. That way you limit your losses while taking advantage of location.
2) Tip. As a rule, Vegas is a town run on tips. Keep chips or quarters handy from money you have won from the House to tip your waitress. If you win a semi-big payout, give the waitress a $20 and tell her "Keep em coming." She will pay extra attention to your machine in hopes of snagging yet another Andrew Jackson.
3) Avoid the bars that have video poker. These are pure rip-offs and have lower payouts than the slots. Sure, you get the free beer or scotch and soda, but your booze to money ratio is much lower than to play on the floor.
4) Play early in the day. Mid-morning is best, and while in Vegas, there is no real closing time, so take advantage of the smaller crowds and this less competition for drink orders.
5) Slow play. Pull the lever and then contemplate what just happened, win or lose. That is until you see the server. That's when you pick up your pace of play. Once she has your drink order you can slow down your play again and maximize your dollars.
6) Order the expensive stuff. If you are a beer drinker, go for the imported stuff. If you like the harder stuff, good. Order the Makers Mark and Coke, so to get more value for your playing dollar.

A good pal of mine swears by these six rules of snagging free drinks. He claims if the rules are followed, your drink to money-spent average will be better than if you went into a bar and ordered four drinks in a two hour period.

Looking for more Vegas bargains?

For my money, the best source is Anthony Curtis, the founder of the Las Vegas Advisor.That's Anthony playing poker at left. If you watch the Vegas specials on A&E, Travel Channel or Discovery Channel, Anthony is almost always interviewed about deals in Vegas.
He even has a coupon booklet and newsletter you can purchase cheap for some really good deals on food, rooms, drinks, entertainment and gambling.
Since 1983 Anthony and the Las Vegas Advisor has tracked the best deals in Sin City.
Not getting a coupon book, well there are still deals to be had, especially when it comes to food.
He even has the Top 10 lists on his Web site.
The list includes the 99-cent Shrimp Cocktail at the Golden Gate in downtown Vegas on Fremont Street.
How about a steak dinner for $6.95? That is a 10-ounce filet with salad, green beans and a beer at Ellis Island.
Then there is the buffet at the Mirage, at the center of the Vegas strip. I took Anthony's advice on this one once and it really paid off. $13.95 for one of the best selections of food anywhere.
Looking for cheap entertainment?

Anthony suggests the Fontana Bar at the Bellagio. For a $6 drink (one drink minimum at the bar) There's always live entertainment, you get to see the famous Bellagio fountains and all in one of the swankiest hotels in all of Vegas.
Want more deals. Check out Anthony's Web site.

Something else to know. Summertime is actually one of the least expensive times to visit. Hotels slash room rates, especially right after 4th of July. And all experts agree with the current economy, the room rates will only get lower as Vegas tries to keep the crowds coming.

Room occupancy is supposedly down about 7 percent compared to this time last year.

Speaking of good room rates: Unless you HAVE to stay on the strip, I always suggest staying downtown. Now my personal preference is the Golden Nugget.
I am admittedly biased here. Tilman Fertitta, the CEO of Landry's that owns the Nugget, is a local guy and a pal.

But the Nugget is as classy as any strip hotel and plus in a way you are shopping at home by staying there.

Also downtown: The Four Queens just underwent a facelift and is still a good bargain. Room rates are always better downtown, action on the tables is cheaper

Do stay away from The Plaza. No matter how cheap the rooms, it ain't worth it in our book.

Want to stay on the strip? MGM Grand. Best room rate value, and more action in one complex than anywhere else. They also have the best sports book on the strip for our money.

Off strip? Palms. The Maloof Brothers know how to run a good, hip, joint. The locals really like the Palms Casino, and they always have decent room rates. There's also a movie theater.
Plus there's a good chance your will run into a celebrity while staying there. And chances are very good you will run into Hugh Hefner of Playboy fame.
"

Coming up Thursday: The best couple's therapy plus entertainment all rolled into one with Kevin Burke, the star of "Defending the Caveman

Friday: We get true craps lessons from a real pro.

Saturday: Best pools in Vegas
Also Saturday: The happiest mayor in all of the United States (and Hey, he was once a Mob lawyer) Oscar Goodman.

Sunday: Best shows in Vegas

There's no crying at movies

2008-06-10T06:29:19Z

So, our official morning show radio jock Rod Ryan was a big crybaby Monday morning.
OK, so Rod-man didn't actually tear up on the radio, but he was talking about movies that make men cry.
Now, until Rod jabbered about the subject, I thought it unheard of to have guys actually admitting to crying in a movie theater.

]]> Cheering when the bad guy gets his head blown off? OK
But actually shedding tears?
To paraphrase Tom Hank's character Jimmy Dugan from "A League of Their Own," There's no crying at movies.
Or is there?
Imagine our shock when Rod pointed out that one of the foremost men's publications, The Sporting News, actually produced the list of the Top 25 movies that make men cry on one of its blogs.
Entries on the list include "It's a Wonderful Life," and "Dead Poet's Society."
But there are plenty of sports movies on the list as well.
Rod admitted to choking up in a few and I too must admit that the scene where Kevin Costner's character Ray Kinsella comes face to face with a younger version of his dad John Kinsella in "Field of Dreams," gets me every single time.
***
A side note here: John Kinsella is played masterfully by actor Dwier Brown, who you will see on lots of TV shows these days. And every time I see him in a show, such as a recent episode of "The Unit" on Ch. 11, I say, "Hey, that's Ray Kinsella's dad."

According to Internet Movie Database, he has been in more than 40 TV shows or movies. But I am willing to bet that his few minutes on screen in "Field of Dreams" are what everyone will forever remember him for.
I wonder how many people walk up to him and ask, "You wanna have a catch?"
***
Sure enough, just after Ray asks his dad that aforementioned question, I start balling.
It is then I flash back to memories of my dad being the only guy cheering me on when I played Little League. Which was kinda embarrassing, seeing as about all I was ever allowed to do was coach third base.
Growing up in the media business though, the old man would let me hang out with him as he called play-by-play of local high school baseball games. And because his radio station was an affiliate of the Astros, we got to hang out in the press box of games at the Astrodome.
That's where I learned the game from not only my dad, but from baseball writers and broadcasters like Gene Elston and Mickey Herskowitz.
It allowed me a far different perspective of the game than most. To this day, my dad will call me up during a baseball game he is watching on TV and give the play-by-play call to me over the phone.
Corny I know, but I rather enjoy it. It's how we connect.
Of course, while I am on the pouring my heart out mode, I guess I should admit there are other movies that get to me.
"Rudy." For much of the movie Sean Astin's character Rudy Ruettiger annoys me. But his stick-to-itness finally wins me over. So, when D-Bob -- played by Jon Favreau -- and Ned Beatty, who plays the dad, get all excited after Rudy recovers the fumble, I cheer and tear up at the same time.
The scene when Robert Redford smashes the homer in "The Natural" also always gets me as does one of the final scenes of "Saving Private Ryan," when the older Pvt. James Francis Ryan - played by the late Harrison Young (another actor with a long resume, who will be best remembered for a bit part) - turns to his wife at the military cemetery at Normandy and said, "Tell me I have led a good life."
Thank goodness, the closing credits for "Saving Private Ryan" are so long, because I needed them to just sit in the theater to compose myself.
As I recall, I wasn't alone as the credits rolled.
OK there, I admit it. I have cried while watching movies.
But I do believe there should be a man law on the subject.
I propose the following:
1) Guys can cry in movies that are sports or war related only
2) Scenes that can evoke tears must remind you of times with your dad or your war buddies
3) If the chick you are with at the movie cries, you must be the bigger person and show no emotion. You, however, are allowed to cry once you are alone.
Oh and a special caveat for those of you "whipped" members of the For Men Only world, (i.e. Married or in a serious relationship): You are allowed to cry in the theater if you are being forced to watch "Sex and the City." But they cannot be tears of sadness because Carrie's Manolo Blahniks are stolen. They must be tears of pain.
I plan to introduce this Man Law legislation when the Man Congress meets this Thursday night for one of our famed Smoke Ring cigar dinners.

The wisdom of Jackisms

2008-05-29T21:03:38Z

Few would know that behind the scenes of For Men Only, sits a group of men we kindly call the Smoke Ring Think Tank. It's a group of guys who gather regularly to smoke cigars, drink good scotch/whiskey, discuss the beauty of women other than our wives and girlfriends, complain how much a pain our wives and girlfriends are, debate politics, talk cars and ponder crucial issues from the perspective of What Would John Wayne Do?

]]> One of the senior members of the Smoke Ring is the silversmith Jack Hall.
Jack not only works with silver (as well as gold, diamonds, etc...), but also has a silver tongue to boot.
As elders of any group do, Jack offers nuggets of wisdom to guide all men through life.
Sometimes the gems of wisdom are sought out, but oftentimes Jack just blurts them out to break up a moment of silence.
Now, the meaning of Jack's comments are not clear at first and require a good amount of thinking. They are often a cross between Confucius and Plato and we are not entirely certain even the brightest of philosophy professors could pinpoint his comments true meaning.
We have come to understand that each Jackism has to be interpreted by the individual who hears it. The only requirement is that you must ponder the Jackism and then live your life accordingly.
With that, each week, we will endeavor to bring you a Jackism of Wisdom.
It will be up to you to decipher just what Jack is trying to say.

This week's Jackism:

"Sometimes life is like feeding strawberries to a mule."

Greatest invention known to man

2008-05-20T06:42:12Z

First, my apologies for the lack of updates as of late. And I promise the Kevin Burke interview is on its way.
But, I figured that we needed to bring you all breaking news from the Consumer Electronics Show.
It is this month's Greatest Invention Known to Man.
What could it be?

]]>
It is a remote control beer cooler. The RC Cooler will deliver your favorite beer, cola or whatever beverage you wish for, by simply directing it to your perch via remote control.
This device includes two of the necessity items every man craves -- beer and a remote control.
And at a cost of about $80, it is a small price to pay to be able to get your ice cold Bud without ever leaving the lounger. We even have video of the R2D2 of beer coolers, so you can see the little guy in action.

We do believe that the inventors likely were inspired by the scene in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi where R2D2 was converted into a beverage serve aboard Jabba the Hutt's barge.
I do believe I already hear the guys at The Smoke Ring calling in the orders already.
What's more, we have some suggestions for other uses for the RC Cooler.
Guys could each bring their RC Coolers to the next tailgate and have Demolition Cooler events or simply Cooler races. The winner gets whatever is in the other guys' RC Cooler.
Angler are sure to love the RC Cooler, because one could easily be converted into a bait well to keep your catch on ice as you cast for the next big Red Fish.
I am sure readers of the For Men Only blog have some ideas of the own.

Returning to the cave

2008-05-13T21:05:34Z

Since the dawn of man, the cave has held a special place for us guys.
It provided shelter from the elements, protection from predators, a canvass for artwork, a place to work on projects, a location to store transportation, a locale to keep fermented beverages cool, a place to store the spoils of the hunt and a gathering spot for men of the community to meet and discuss the issues of the day.

]]>
As we have "progressed" through the millennia, man exited the caves and built domiciles. But for all the modern conveniences of the homes of today, men - especially married men or otherwise attached men - have sought to return to the cave.
It is a quest that has been passed on from generation to generation.
In mid-evil times, men built castles with secret passageways to locales near the dungeon, in which others would gather. King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable never meet in a main room of the castle, but rather a 'cave' Arthur built to get away from Guinevere.
Christopher Columbus too had a small room built aboard the Santa Maria where he and his closest shipmates would gather away from the rest of the crew.
In the mid-west during the early 1900s, men came up with the idea of tornado shelters that served the rest of the year as wonderful caves.
In the late 1950s and early 1960s, men used the threat of Russian nuclear attack to build bomb shelters in the backyard.

Now, because of the lack of mountains and the fact that there are just too many men these days and what caves are available would be as crowded as Hooters on Buy 10, Get 10 Free Wings night, man has sought to recreate the cave within their homes.
The garage.
A true man garage is not merely a place to park the car and store tools. No, a true man cave garage is everything our forbearers the cavemen discovered millions of years ago.
A true man cave garage has a place for man and his men friends to gather, a refrigerator to keep the beer cold, a workbench to create masterful projects, a radio to listen to baseball, a TV (with satellite or cable hookup) to watch any other sport - except figure skating and soccer - and other items by which to entertain ourselves.
And, especially in Texas, the spoils of the hunt - namely a 16-point buck shot near Cut and Shoot - can be found mounted on the wall above the meat freezer.
It also contains artwork, just like our forefather cavemen. Although these days, drawings of bison and recreations of the great hunt, are replaced with posters of fast cars and the Girls of Hooters calendar.
Oh, there is the occasional artwork from the kids that can be found hanging on the beer fridge door via an industrial magnet.
The rules of the man cave are simple. No women, except to bring us the occasional snack refills and no watching figure skating.
It is also a good idea to keep the kids away until the boys reach the age of 10 or 11. It is at this age the young lad can enter the cave so he can experience his first beer burp.
Oh, and it is optional if the garage is actually used to park the cars. If given a choice between having a place to park the car and a man cave, the choice is almost always man cave.
Cars these days are built to withstand the elements.
The only drawback to these man cave garages is that for married men and those with females in the domicile, women can easily encroach upon the sanctity of the cave.
I once heard of a man whose cave was spoiled when his wife put up curtains and placed out potpourri. This reminds me, additional rules of the man cave: No curtains and no potpourri.
The no potpourri rule is especially important because all too often guests to the cave will mistake the bowl of mixed flowers for exotic beer nuts. Not a good thing.
To that end, some friends of mine have taken the man cave garage to the next logical level. They have built a community man cave garage. Somewhere along the piney tree lined roads of a Brazoria County town, sits the HWC Garage.

For those who have forgotten your Our Gang/Little Rascals history, HWC is He-Man Woman-Haters Club.
A photo of the inside of the HWC Garage is at left.
Complete with a place to park several high-end cars, a work rack, several plasma screen TV's, a banging sound system, a smoking room, a cigar humidor, a full bar, posters of cars and girlie pictures on the wall, a projector screen to be able to have man movie night and a digital keypad for the password (no more 'Women Stink').
We even had T-shirts and hats made.
The HWC Garage is scheduled to open in a few weeks. I am forbidden giving out the location for fear that we will be overrun by men whose wives have encroached upon the inner sanctum.
Needless to say, it is worth considering in your community as a public service that men should get together and create a community man cave garage.
If you do, tell us about your plans so that others may be inspired to return to the cave. Or even if you have your own man cave garage, send us your pics and describe what makes it unique.

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Speaking of living in a cave, be sure to check out Friday's edition of For Men Only. We will have as our special guest Kevin Burke, the star of Defending the Caveman in Las Vegas.

Why isn't it the Henry Hager wedding?

2008-05-07T18:23:14Z

For those of you living under a rock these past few days, the president's daughter is getting hitched this weekend. And oh, by the way, so is Henry Hager.
Who is Henry Hager?

]]> Well, in all the hoopla about Jenna Bush getting married, it seems that lost in all the hype is the groom and his name is Henry Chase Hager.
Nice enough fella. His dad is a Republican Party big wig in Virginia and used to be the lieutenant governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia.
But outside of that, we know little else about young Henry, except he went to Wake Forest and worked as a White House aide to Karl Rove.
Oh, we also found this interesting tid-bit -- his brother works for the Otis Elevator Company. We doubt he is like an elevator repairman or something like that - although we consider that a very cool job.
That's all we know about the groom.
Typical!
When it comes to a ceremony that marks the joining of two people in a union of partnership and cooperation, the wedding is focused a single person - the bride.
As a female member of the KHOU staff reminded For Men Only, "It's all about the bride."

With which we totally agree.
If you think about it, the groom is needed only for window dressing for the ceremony and has only three responsibilities during the wedding - take the bride's arm after she walks up the aisle, put the ring on her finger and then kiss the bride (which in our opinion is the only time the groom actually gets to enjoy the wedding ceremony.)
The rest of wedding stuff is ALL about the bride.
Sure, the bride makes vain attempts to include the groom in on the decisions about the wedding. But let's be honest here, do you think Henry has had any say in what goes on this weekend at the Crawford Ranch?
Last we checked, Henry's dad wasn't holding a press conference to discuss what his son got as a wedding gift from his mom. Even his tuxedo fitting we hear didn't have a single photographer, while Jenna's dress fitting had an official White House photographer as well as photogs from a news magazine and - sources say -- that Fox News Channel had some sort of exclusive.
Check that, there was a photog at Henry's tux fitting. His Best Man, we hear, had a new Blackberry and was testing out the cell-cam feature. Photos were a bit blurry though.
Yes, a groom's opinion matters little in planning the wedding except to give the bride and the bride's mother something to disagree with.

Picking the cake
Bride: Honey, do you think the cake should be five or six tier?
Groom: I like a simple three-tier cake. (Future mother-in-law shakes her head in disgust after rolling her eyes.)
Bride: I think I like the six tier cake. (Her mother nods in agreement and the six-tier cake is ordered)

Picking the flowersBride: Honey, bunches I love so much. Do you think we should have calla lilies or tulips?
Groom: I rather prefer roses, keep it simple. (His own mother shakes her head in disappointment)
Bride: Good, we'll go with the tulips.

Ladies, cut to the chase. The groom's role in the wedding ceremony is very limited and actually quite simple. You don't really care what his opinion is on the flowers, or the colors or the invitation design.
You don't even need him for the wedding rehearsal. I mean, how hard is it for the guy to turn to his left when the wedding march song starts.
He doesn't have to memorize any lines because he just repeats what the priest/rabbi/pastor says.

The groom need only not screw up putting the ring on the bride's finger and giving her a big fat wet one when prompted.
In the spirit of such clarity, we suggest that the groom need not be a part of any of the wedding planning unless the bride will agree to take at least three of his suggestions.
To that end, our For Men Only Groom of the Week award goes to Jake Jones. The Texas A&M student is scheduled to get married this August.
On the weekend of the huge Bridal Show in Houston, young Jake was with us at the official For Men Only hangout - the Smoke Ring in Webster.
We inquired about how he managed his way out of going through the hours of torture of the expo. His answer was simple.
He told his wife-to-be that he only had two things to contribute to the wedding ceremony: 1) That the date be scheduled in such a way as not to interfere with hunting or football seasons and 2) He got to pick the alcohol for the wedding reception.
And to the shock of many of us in the room, his bride-to-be agreed. Oh, and 3) He suggested he not go to the Bridal Expo. (Which is good, because it is not called the couple or groom expo),
We wonder, you think Henry Hager was so lucky?

*************

Now for those interested in all things Jenna Bush, about this wedding we suggest you check out our extensive coverage from the gals who produce our Wedding Belles Blog.

Breaker 1-9, we have a convoy of handles

2008-04-25T02:34:06Z

The discussion some weeks back around the Smoke Ring - the official relaxation home of For Men Only - was about guy movies. At a point, the discussion turned to "Convoy," the trucker movie starring Kris Kristofferson.

]]>
First, I think this may be the only movie ever made - or at least the first - that is based on a song. "We are going to rock this truck'n Convoy...."
Anyway, an e-mail chat soon thereafter launched into the best CB handles and what would our handles be.
Of course, Kristofferson in the movie was Rubber Duck. He even drove a Mack truck that instead of the bulldog - the Mack Truck logo - for the hood ornament he had a duck.
A pal of our, who is not the best kept man in the world, was quickly dubbed Pig Pen.
A local police officer who hangs out among us in our little cigar group was dubbed Dirty Lyle after the sheriff's character in the movie.
Now, that is an interesting topic especially in these days where CB's have been replaced by mobile phones and Nextel push-talk phones.
But, need we forget CB handles still exist, they are now called screen names. In the world of the Internet and MySpace people rarely, go by their real names and use "handles."
Many are very creative. Some are just plain strange.
But For Men Only prefers to go old school here and stick with CB handles. I mean to say Breaker 1-9 for CULTR comes out as Culter instead of C-U-Later.
I don't think the Rubber Ducky would approve.
Of course, For Men Only's CB handle is an homage the first ever president and of the He Man Woman Hater's Club --- Spanky McFarland.
Therefore, if you have to get a hold of me by CB just holler out "Breaker 1-9 for Spanky Rascal, what's your 20?"

So, what would your CB Handle be?

Rolling the bones with Billy Gibbons

2008-04-18T05:12:43Z

Houston is a great town for Brushes with Greatness (BWG). For men especially, because the region is popular with so many pro-athletes who make this their off-season home.
We have our share of musical stars that haunt our local watering holes or other manly establishments.

]]> And unlike New York and L.A., where guys risk brushes with greatness with some clueless actor from a Soap Opera or a botoxed-filled model/actress/singer, the Houston brand of celebs are more down to earth.

Take for example our BWG this week at the local beer-trough in The Heights, the Pearl Bar.
Our crew ran into Billy Gibbons, co-founder and the lead axe man for that Little Old Band from Texas ZZ Top.
Of course Billy and anything ZZ Top is officially a guy moment as the trio were honored by Spike TV last year at the Guy's Choice Awards.
Billy had bellied up to the bar and was enjoying some adult librations.
We joined him.
The talk was very little on music or tours -- although he did let his know he, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard hit the road in the next two or three weeks, including a May 3 date in Beaumont. No Houston show is scheduled yet, although Billy said the big city dates would follow after the band hit Europe for a few months.
No, our chats centered on Billy's other passion - cars and dice.
We mostly talked about cars, but then I recalled another BWG with the bearded one at an Astros game where he showed off his slight of hand skills with a deck of playing cards.
I asked him if he would entertain us with his talent. He reached into his coat pocket only to produce a pair of dice.

Billy proceeded to go over how dice are made, the concept of making sure that for every number, the exact opposite side will add up to 7 -- (The 5 on one side is mirrored on the other side of the bone with a 2, for example.)
He then went into Vegas Craps dealer mode and started rolling the bones on the bar. We joined in for a good natured - and no money at risk - half-hour long session of craps.
At one point, our play so impressed the ZZ that he suggested we hook up for a trip to Vegas.
Now how cool would that be? Spending a weekend on the floor of the Golden Nugget or the tables at the Mirage tossing the bones.
That's what is cool about brushes with greatness; we get to imagine what'd be like to have one of our favorite celebs, or sports stars as a running buddy.
Of course, it rarely comes to fruition, but for a few minutes, we are best of friends.
And we have a cool story to tell all our other buddies to boot.
So, what's your cool brush with greatness?

Time to come out of hibernation

2008-04-16T07:02:22Z

As the saying goes, men are creatures of habit. We prefer to call them consistencies, but in nature, they are habits.
One of our habits is the act of hibernating. Men have two hibernation periods per year.
The first starts with the kickoff of football season and concludes just after the Super Bowl and college Bowl Games just long enough to rest up for the next hibernation period which begins with the tip off in March of the NCAA tournament and ends during the first week of baseball season or the end of the Master Golf Tournament, which ever comes last.

]]> The only reason we emerge from the first hibernation period, is not much different from why the ground hog comes out to see his shadow. Men do this to see just how much house/yard/car work has piled up during the winter months.
If we see our shadow, then we have six more weeks of hibernation. If we don't see our shadow, we have seven more weeks.
We gauge this by the amount of clutter in the garage and the tone of frustration in our wives/girlfriend's voices.
Single men, let this be a lesson to you, without a wife or girlfriend, you need to take special note of when hibernation season ends. To that end, the amount of pain shown in the face of your married friends should serve as a good indication as to when it is time to come out of the slumber.
The folks at Lowes have done a good job in capturing our hibernation habits in a recent spot.

However, come the spring, after the Astros are well in last place of the Central Division to start the season, we emerge from our dens of sports slumber and seek out challenges.
For some men the challenge is home repair. Others like to work on their cars.
Still others like the challenge of landscaping. Women call it gardening, but men do not garden, we landscape.
Super HeMen do all of the above and manage to have the guys over for a barbecue to boot.
Either way, the end of hibernation season is also the only time of the year in which men enjoy shopping, but only if the store ends with the phrases hardware/lumberyard, power tools, auto-parts, sports/outdoors and/or Bass Pro Shop.
Woman often mistake this willingness to enter a retail establishment as a cue that we also want to go on sprees in malls, discount stores or boutiques.
Men, remember the post-hibernation shopping season is NOT a couple's activity.
No matter how much she promises that she just wants to tag along while you seek out a 16 burner outdoor stove/grill, she is really plotting on getting you to join her in the casuals section of some mall store and help her pick out outfits.
She may even throw in "I want to buy some new lingerie."
At all costs, resist the temptation and just tell her you have too much work to do around the house.

RIP Chuck Heston

2008-04-10T07:47:21Z

Maybe it was some sort of premonition on my part, but last Friday after I finished up my real work in the pod we control KHOU.com from, I glanced at my TV and saw that "Planet of the Apes" was about to start on the AMC channel.
Now, of all the Man Movies that are required viewing for guys "Planet of the Apes" ranks in the Top 50, some would argue in the Top 20.

]]> Notice that I reference only the original movie starring Charlton Heston, and not the silly remake with Mark Wahlberg.
As it was a long drive home, I decided to stick around the office and watch the movie as per Man Law; one must immerse oneself in great movies for men.
So, instead of leaving the office at 11:30 p.m., I scurried out the door about 2:30 a.m. oblivious to what would happen not long after.

Of course, hanging out with the guys at the cigar shop, I recounted my decision to stick at the office and watch the movie. All agreed that I did the right thing.
From that, we began reciting the best Chuck Heston lines.
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" -- Planet of the Apes.
"Soylent Green is people!" -- I really like the late Phil Hartman's spoof on the movie on Saturday Night Live.
"Let my people go," from the 10 Commandments.
"Almost at the moment He died, I heard Him say, 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.'" - Ben Hur (In the Top 10 of Man Movies)
"From my cold, dead hands," NRA Convention.
Our conversation about Heston continued for about an hour. We determined that it was pretty much a tie between him and William Shatner for best over actor in Hollywood.
We also discussed how Michael Moore was a complete slime ball for the way he treated Heston -- who was already showing signs of Alzheimer's -- in the "Bowling for Columbine" movie.

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Man note to Michael Moore -- You're a an OK documentary maker pal, but what you did to Heston, whose passion for the 2nd Amendment you mocked, was cruel, slimy and guarantees you will spend some time in Purgatory on a hunting trip with Rosie O'Donnell and your guide Dick Cheney; and the only medical attention you will have will be the "great" doctors in Cuba you featured in "Sicko."
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It wasn't until Sunday morning that we found out that Charlton Heston had died Saturday night.
We lost one of the founding members of the modern day Man's Man club.
RIP Chuck -- "Some apes, it seems, are more equal than others."

The Chuck Norris Cake

2008-04-05T03:31:06Z

We can all remember our birthdays as a youngster, when our moms would get us themed cakes. Maybe it was a cake shaped like a baseball diamond, football field or the best cake theme ever - the racetrack cake.
Of course, once we get past the age of 10 the themed cakes went away even though all men secretary wish we could have them back. Even the groom's cake at a wedding is usually just plain, one color/flavor with no theme at all.

]]> It is also too weird to have a 40th birthday cake with dinosaurs on it - although it sorta fits if you think about it.
But technology is man's best non-dog friend, and thanks to some creative use of edible cake paint guys can have their cake and eat it too.
We can replace the baseball player figures and green icing with a photo-like image of Chuck Norris - or John Wayne, Hugh Hefner, Steve McQueen...
The photo attached comes from Aaron Fetter, hubby of one of our staffers. He had a birthday recently and asked for a Chuck Norris cake.

That, my friends, gives Aaron extra credit in the world of mandom.
And because it was some sort of technology - i.e. gadget - that created such a masterpiece it is even manlier.
Who would have thought that the same air brush used to make a caricature on those T-shirts we used to get as kids at Astroworld or used to smooth out the tan lines on Supermodels would come back and be useful in giving us guys a piece of our youth back and bringing back the themed cake.
So, if you had a choice as to having a themed cake, who would you pick?

April Fools' Day is a perfect man's day

2008-04-01T00:30:31Z

This being the week of April Fools, I thought it the best time to discuss one of the best things about being a man -- Practical Jokes.
You see, pranks, gags or whatever you call practical jokes are actually an artform that men especially excel in. (I will pause here for a moment to let the women in the audience finish rolling their eyes.)

]]> This subject comes to mind after one of the gals of KHOU.com posted in our Weird World blog, the story of some Phoenix guys who pulled a very public -- and I am sure humiliating - joke on a pal.
The short of it was, these guys painted a rude interpretation of a man's "member" on the roof of their buddy's home. They did so during his bachelor party -- the night in which all practical jokes that don't end in death or hospitalization are deemed acceptable.
Six months later -- Yes, a full half year -- a local media crew showed up at the guy's house to ask him about the penis artwork on his roof.
Now that is a good joke for two reasons: 1) Just the skill involved in painting a large phallic symbol on the guy's roof is remarkable. I mean, Michelangelo was at least on his back and could see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel pretty good, but these guys did this at night and I am willing to bet DRUNK. And 2) No one said a peep for six months. That is patience.
Now, with April 1 coming up on Tuesday, I though a discussion from the masses on practical jokes pulled on your buddies would be nice.
What's more, me and a few of my pals will vote on the best-submitted joke and the winner will receive something cool with the KHOU logo on it. (No, we are not giving away our helicopter).
We found some inspiration too from the folks at CNN and CareerBuilder.com, who came up with a list of best office practical jokes and warnings. You may also find some April Fools inspiration in the PracticalJokebook.com site.

Submit your jokes in the comment section below.
We will judge on originality, coolness, how well it worked within Man Law.
On that part of the subject, it is Man Law that if you are the target of a practical joke, you must accept its outcoming like a man. You can't get angry, can't whine about it or especially cry about it.
And oh, if you have figured out you are being pranked, you are NOT allowed to call everyone on it. You must allow the joke to its conclusion and the you can say you know it all along.
You are, however allowed to seek revenge. Revenge jokes are the best in our book.

The Gia caper
With that, I will offer one of my own:
I had a former co-worker, who is still a friend, whose luck with the ladies was about a good as the Washington General's record against the Harlem Globetrotters.
He had resorted to using his MySpace page to hit on random girls.
Knowing this, I created a profile of a nice-looking, young women, who would like almost all of the things he did.
And I did more than that, I created pages for her friends, so that whenever he logged onto his new online love's page, he would see that she actually had online friends other than Tom (see MySpace to understand who Tom is).
I then launched into regular correspondence with my friend as the assumed persona of Gia, a gal from up north who just moved to the area and was looking to make friends and find the man of her dreams. This, I must admit was uncomfortable since I was a guy having to act like a woman, thus I had to sound flirty and write girly things in order to keep the ruse up.
Not to mention that I had to have her friends, mostly girls, write to her so he would see what appeared to be a regular MySpace page.
This continued for weeks until my pal finally got the nerve to ask Gia out for drinks. Whenever he asked for her number, the response was "too soon."
So she agreed to meet him and his friends with a group of her friends -- wanted to make sure people were around for her "safety" -- at a local hangout.
The hangout was what was once one of the most popular "happy" bars in Galveston, the Kon Tiki. She also gave him her number, minus one digit.
My pal agreed and many of his co-workers agreed to join him to meet this girl he had been talking about for weeks. I mean, this guy was smitten.
Once at the bar we waited for Gia's arrival. We knew she would be coming later because she and her "friends" were coming in from a girls' night at some Houston hot spots.
Meanwhile, I arranged for one of the male regulars of the bar to come to our table when the time was right to introduce himself. The best part of that was that I only had to buy him four beers for the effort.
About an hour into the night, my pal was about to try and call Gia when he realized the phone number was one digit short.
Frustrated he was about to leave when the bar regular approached, threw his arms around said pal and introduced himself as Gia. The only downside was he didn't give my friend a peck on the cheek as I had requested, but the joke worked.
We also captured the whole "lovers meeting" on cell phone cameras.

Woman + bikinis + ice = Miss Aeros

2008-03-21T06:24:18Z

We gotta admit that it is hard enough to stand on ice in regular shoes of even ice skates. So you have to give a hand to the contestants in Thursday's Miss Aeros Bikini Contest held over at the Toyota Center.
They competed on freezing cold ice wearing bikinis.
And they were in high heels!!!!!

]]>
Click here for the video of Miss Aeros contest
Forget March Madness, someone give these girls a parka.
Our minor league pro hockey team the Houston Aeros, which in this blogger's opinion is the best sports value in Houston, holds an annual contest in which local models compete for the title as Miss Aero.
The winner is determined by the cheers, wolf whistles and other assorted chauvinistic noises that come from the stands.
This is purely a guy's are the only ones who get a kick out of this sort of thing. Which is why of course the official Morning DJ of the For Men Only Blog - 94.5 The Buzz's Rod Ryan - was the host of said event.

Give a hand to Rod too, because he didn't slip and fall on his tookus. He had it rough.
I mean he had to walk on the ice, keep his balance and all the while girls with nothing on but bikinis - and small ones at that - were just a few feet away.
Man Law dictates that whenever a beautiful woman is nearby, especially one with a bikini on, that we must stop and stare for at least five minutes.
Drooling is optional.
But Rod proved he is a pro.
Oh, almost forgot to mention the most important part - the winner.
Well, all we know is that her name is Britney.

The audio of the video we got from Toyota Center was of the game radio play-by-play, so we didn't get to hear what Rod was saying.
And when we called the press box, well, the Aeros staff was too busy staring - uh, judging - the contestants to actually write down their full names.
We hope to update you with the winners soon. And maybe the new Miss Aero will give us pointers on how to stand on ice in 4-inch high heels.
Not that any of us would want to try it personally, but that sort of information comes in handy should you be in Colorado and just happen upon a leggy supermodel looking to get from one side of the pond to the other.

What defines commitment?

2008-03-15T21:32:30Z

A wise man once said that there are two types of men in a committed relationship.

The ones who wish they never made the commitment and the ones who are looking for a way out.

For the record, there is nothing wrong with being in a committed relationship. However, as any woman will tell you, guys of all walks of life are genetically designed not to commit.

But the rules are simple for men who claim they are not in or looking for a committed relationship. Guys who are playing the field must be up front and honest in announcing their intentions to any woman they date.

But there is a well-known portion of Woman's Law that also matters here. No matter how many times a man tells a woman he is not looking for a serious relationship, she doesn't believe him and will do all she can to test his will power to stay uncommitted.

Now, it is also important for every man to know, his words mean nothing to a woman. Actions, even what men consider as innocent gestures, speak volumes.

Unfortunately, a regular reader to the For Men Only blog finds himself in what can only be defined as having moved from single hood to a committed relationship. David W. of Pasadena is trying to say he is not in a committed relationship, but we are afraid he has crossed the line.

Thus, he is officially Whipped.

Now, what could a man do -- short of getting down on one knee or asking a woman to move in with him -- that would convince her that his deceleration that he is not looking for anything serious relationship wise?
One -- if a man ever goes to a wedding with said woman
Two -- if a man ever goes to a funeral with said woman
And if a man does both? Sorry, Man Law dictates that he can no longer claim his single hood or that he is in an uncommitted relationship.

Poor David W. finds himself having attended both a wedding and a funeral with the same woman. That my friends means all bets are off and it moves him into a category of manhood that we must all 1) offer our condolences and 2) move to an intervention as soon as possible if he insists that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.

Now, David W insists that he has found a loophole to the Man Law on this subject.

He claims he only attended the funeral with the woman because one of her girlfriends is dating a big client of his. Thus, he has evoked the "I only did it for business" clause of the Man Law.

Now, this clause is allowed from time to time to give men an out on certain questionable actions that would normally be considered in violation of Man Law. See the section on taking clients to a gentleman's club for business section of Man Law.

But, and this is why we have the Man Law, it is of the opinion of the lower court of Man Law that David W's attempt to apply the "I only did it for business" clause does not apply here because his client is also a man and thus could not hold David W. responsible for not attending the funeral.

Now, if David had tried to apply the "I cannot leave my client alone at the said wedding/funeral," clause, then it is possible the court would have ruled in his favor.

But unless he makes such argument on appeal, we are afraid the court's ruling stands.

I'm sorry to be writing this

2008-02-22T00:25:40Z

In a week where it seems there are a lot of guys apologizing for one thing or another, we thought it best to address the issue of when and how it is appropriate for a man to say I'm sorry.

It should be noted, that under the Guy's Code, saying, "I'm sorry" has to be handled with the proper protocol. Just like asking for directions or reading the owners' manual, men should resort to saying, "I'm sorry," or apologizing on a very limited basis.

]]> 1) Apologizing to another guy
It is understood that even the closest of friends will peeve each other off once in a while or make a minor infraction that requires atonement.
It is important to note however, that under no circumstances should one guy ever tell another guy "I'm sorry."
Guy's Code requires that the words I'm and Sorry should never, ever, ever, be used in combination when talking to another guy. PERIOD.
Apologies must come in the form of just a simple look, and the words "Dude," or "What's up," followed by a high-five of handshake and a look where it is understood that an apology is implied.
To be sure, all is forgiven, it is appropriate to ask, "We cool?"

2) Apologizing to your girlfriend/woman you are dating
Again, the rule is you never utter the words, "I'm sorry."
Should your girlfriend be angry at you for something she perceives you have done wrong or if you have actually done something wrong, the apology must can come in the form of some flowers or a card or both.
The card can have the word "Sorry" written inside, but you should never utter the phrase. It is appropriate to ask her, "Did you get the flowers," or "What do you think of the flowers I sent/gave you?"
You are also allowed to use technology to covey your apology. Therefore, a text message or a brief e-mail is allowed to contain the phrase "I'm sorry," or the more formal, "I apologize."

3) Apologizing to your wife
Only when one is married are you allowed to ever say, "I'm sorry."
However, understand it is not to be offered on the whim and only when certain conditions apply.
Should, in the course of an argument, your wife says "Fine," that is your cue to go ahead and say, "I'm sorry." I have recently discovered as well that for the younger generation, women have exchanged the snorty "fine" with "whatever." So, for those under 30, the same rule applies.
It is also appropriate in such situations to say, "You are right dear, I'm sorry."
Mind you, that you are not saying, "You are right dear, I'm sorry," because you were wrong or actually apologetic, but rather as men who must assume the role of being the reasonable person in the fight and end it by falling on our emotional sword.
You are also allowed to use a version of this apology in which you actually don't assume any legal responsibility for being sorry or admitting you were wrong. In those cases, "I am sorry if what I did (said) made you angry," is acceptable.
Now, if after falling on your sword, if she remains angry or worse - withholds matrimonial whoopee - then more drastic measures are required.
You are then released to not only say, she is right and that you are sorry, but also you are allowed to actually mean it.
And in such cases flowers and a card are appropriate.

4) Blanket "I'm sorry" This one comes from For Men Only special contributor Trey Boring. It's a piece of advice he got from his dad and is an appropriate rule under certain conditions.
Now, for men who have been married for 20-plus years, there is a little known caveat within the apologizing to women rule. This rule, which only applies for men who are at least 65-years-old and/or married for 20-plus years.
Those who fall into this category are allowed to start and end their day with a blanket apology. In such cases, the man is allowed to say, "I'm sorry for anything I might do today that will peeve you off." He is also allowed to end the day with a similar saying.
What's the beauty of this blanket apology is that it doesn't matter if your wife is even within earshot or not.

5) The apology of last resort
Of course, every argument with a women always risks of escalating to a level where the man will inadvertently blurt out the one word a man is never ever, ever, suppose to call a woman.
First, men, should refrain from ever using the word, but should it slip out there is only one way to even start to fix what has been broken: Jewelry. VERY expensive Jewelry starting at 1 Karat minimum.

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER

6) Women never really apologize
There are certain facts in life. Death, taxes, the infield fly rule and the fact that a woman never really apologizes. She may make you think she is apologizing, but in reality her apology is little more than a way for her to blame the whole argument on you.
You know what we mean, "Honey, I'm sorry, but you just make me so angry," or "Honey, I am sorry, but I can't help but get angry at you when you do that."
See, they are cunning people these women. Again, always remember that women never apologize, they just find a way to blame you for everything.
To which your answer is, ""You are right dear, I'm sorry."