As the saying goes, men are creatures of habit. We prefer to call them consistencies, but in nature, they are habits.
One of our habits is the act of hibernating. Men have two hibernation periods per year.
The first starts with the kickoff of football season and concludes just after the Super Bowl and college Bowl Games just long enough to rest up for the next hibernation period which begins with the tip off in March of the NCAA tournament and ends during the first week of baseball season or the end of the Master Golf Tournament, which ever comes last.
The only reason we emerge from the first hibernation period, is not much different from why the ground hog comes out to see his shadow. Men do this to see just how much house/yard/car work has piled up during the winter months.
If we see our shadow, then we have six more weeks of hibernation. If we don't see our shadow, we have seven more weeks.
We gauge this by the amount of clutter in the garage and the tone of frustration in our wives/girlfriend's voices.
Single men, let this be a lesson to you, without a wife or girlfriend, you need to take special note of when hibernation season ends. To that end, the amount of pain shown in the face of your married friends should serve as a good indication as to when it is time to come out of the slumber.
The folks at Lowes have done a good job in capturing our hibernation habits in a recent spot.
However, come the spring, after the Astros are well in last place of the Central Division to start the season, we emerge from our dens of sports slumber and seek out challenges.
For some men the challenge is home repair. Others like to work on their cars.
Still others like the challenge of landscaping. Women call it gardening, but men do not garden, we landscape.
Super HeMen do all of the above and manage to have the guys over for a barbecue to boot.
Either way, the end of hibernation season is also the only time of the year in which men enjoy shopping, but only if the store ends with the phrases hardware/lumberyard, power tools, auto-parts, sports/outdoors and/or Bass Pro Shop.
Woman often mistake this willingness to enter a retail establishment as a cue that we also want to go on sprees in malls, discount stores or boutiques.
Men, remember the post-hibernation shopping season is NOT a couple's activity.
No matter how much she promises that she just wants to tag along while you seek out a 16 burner outdoor stove/grill, she is really plotting on getting you to join her in the casuals section of some mall store and help her pick out outfits.
She may even throw in "I want to buy some new lingerie."
At all costs, resist the temptation and just tell her you have too much work to do around the house.
3 Comments
D. said:
Once again you are correct on all the above. What I cannot determine is how you are correct. You do not go to stores with phrases such as hardware/lumberyard, power tools, auto-parts, sports/ outdoors and/ or Bass Pro Shop. Your idea of Bass Pro Shop is Red Lobster or Pappa's Seafood. Your idea of yard work is watching someone else do it with a beer in your hand. Now granted we have turned that into a serious activity since we started using the stopwatch and placing bets on how fast the lawn dude can make it across. Granted it is also not fair when I use a sling shot on said yard dude to make sure I covered the time that I bet he would make it in, but that is another topic. Your idea of a auto-parts store is,"Here's my truck boys fix it and somebody take me to the cigar shop". The only power tools store that you have seen is the aisle at the liquor store that had a battery operated wine opener. Now I'm not knocking any of this because I have my trailer parked on concrete with no grass and am quite happy about it but I'm not going to let you write about something you have yet to experience. Now if you want to write about cigars, liquor, fine dining and how quickly we can make $20's disappear then I'm on your side but this blatant media dishonesty that you are perpetrating I won't stand for. Now since I have for many years made my way through the activities that you so eloquently described I must admit that I am glad that I have exited that scene. Good luck to all who come out of hibernation and I have $20 that says the right front wheel of the lawn mower comes off next time the yard dude comes down. He never saw me loosen it.
WWJWD
D.
A.B.M. said:
Awake from the slumber? Yes, of course. I think the season is relative. When March Madness isrevving itself up, I tune in to the Stanley Cup Playoffs (thank Providence for Versus). Beginning of baseball season? I can't get too charged up about baseball during the first few weeks. 182 games just seems way too far away to expend the energy right now. Besides, I'm checking the NFL draft sheets.
Work around the house? Are you serious? I'm a modern man, I get rustic as a hobby, not a matter of course. The only reason I don't own a house now is because I'm too cheap to pay someone else to do yardwork. In the immortal words of J.H., the wise sage from Clear Lake Forest, "Never lift anything heavier than a cheeseburger." If manual labor was my thing, I'd be a carpenter rather than losing sleep trying to make the kind of money that multiplies itself. Another friend of ours offered this quote, "if I do it myself, I'm taking a job away from somebody who could get paid to do it for me." The wisdom is irrefutable.
My wife? Please, her idea of hard work is opening the pickle jar, herself. My wife doesn't garden, nature is too dirty. Shopping is her forte (that and spending my money, hence the need for a ridiculous income). But any married man who gets locked into the shopping with the spouse trap needs his spine examined. Proper spousal training is required. The lovely Mrs. A.B.M. is well aware of the fact that I DO NOT shop. It is stated as such (caps and all) in the prenup. The only retail establishments that I am willing to linger in must sell either, sporting goods, premium tobacco, premium booze, or guns and ammo. The ATF would love me. Yet, Bass Pro Shops comes close. What a boost for my marriage when some genius built a gigantic shopping mall right next to a Bass Pro and planted in a little place in West Texas known as Katy. We park outside near the boats, the wife hits the mall and I stay in the greatest store on earth. Four hours and two credit cards later, everyone is happy. It beats couples therapy.
Hibernation is a good thing. Its helps to balance out life. Luckily, the Cigar Shop has no season and is always available for refuge. See you guys there.
Awake from the slumber heading into another Houston Summer, I remain,
IncogNegro
woody said:
you are so write man! when i go to a store i know what i am looking for, get it an out. when you go to a lowes, homedepot,ect. dont take the wife! woody
Once again you are correct on all the above. What I cannot determine is how you are correct. You do not go to stores with phrases such as hardware/lumberyard, power tools, auto-parts, sports/ outdoors and/ or Bass Pro Shop. Your idea of Bass Pro Shop is Red Lobster or Pappa's Seafood. Your idea of yard work is watching someone else do it with a beer in your hand. Now granted we have turned that into a serious activity since we started using the stopwatch and placing bets on how fast the lawn dude can make it across. Granted it is also not fair when I use a sling shot on said yard dude to make sure I covered the time that I bet he would make it in, but that is another topic. Your idea of a auto-parts store is,"Here's my truck boys fix it and somebody take me to the cigar shop". The only power tools store that you have seen is the aisle at the liquor store that had a battery operated wine opener. Now I'm not knocking any of this because I have my trailer parked on concrete with no grass and am quite happy about it but I'm not going to let you write about something you have yet to experience. Now if you want to write about cigars, liquor, fine dining and how quickly we can make $20's disappear then I'm on your side but this blatant media dishonesty that you are perpetrating I won't stand for. Now since I have for many years made my way through the activities that you so eloquently described I must admit that I am glad that I have exited that scene. Good luck to all who come out of hibernation and I have $20 that says the right front wheel of the lawn mower comes off next time the yard dude comes down. He never saw me loosen it.
WWJWD
D.
Awake from the slumber? Yes, of course. I think the season is relative. When March Madness isrevving itself up, I tune in to the Stanley Cup Playoffs (thank Providence for Versus). Beginning of baseball season? I can't get too charged up about baseball during the first few weeks. 182 games just seems way too far away to expend the energy right now. Besides, I'm checking the NFL draft sheets.
Work around the house? Are you serious? I'm a modern man, I get rustic as a hobby, not a matter of course. The only reason I don't own a house now is because I'm too cheap to pay someone else to do yardwork. In the immortal words of J.H., the wise sage from Clear Lake Forest, "Never lift anything heavier than a cheeseburger." If manual labor was my thing, I'd be a carpenter rather than losing sleep trying to make the kind of money that multiplies itself. Another friend of ours offered this quote, "if I do it myself, I'm taking a job away from somebody who could get paid to do it for me." The wisdom is irrefutable.
My wife? Please, her idea of hard work is opening the pickle jar, herself. My wife doesn't garden, nature is too dirty. Shopping is her forte (that and spending my money, hence the need for a ridiculous income). But any married man who gets locked into the shopping with the spouse trap needs his spine examined. Proper spousal training is required. The lovely Mrs. A.B.M. is well aware of the fact that I DO NOT shop. It is stated as such (caps and all) in the prenup. The only retail establishments that I am willing to linger in must sell either, sporting goods, premium tobacco, premium booze, or guns and ammo. The ATF would love me. Yet, Bass Pro Shops comes close. What a boost for my marriage when some genius built a gigantic shopping mall right next to a Bass Pro and planted in a little place in West Texas known as Katy. We park outside near the boats, the wife hits the mall and I stay in the greatest store on earth. Four hours and two credit cards later, everyone is happy. It beats couples therapy.
Hibernation is a good thing. Its helps to balance out life. Luckily, the Cigar Shop has no season and is always available for refuge. See you guys there.
Awake from the slumber heading into another Houston Summer, I remain,
IncogNegro
you are so write man! when i go to a store i know what i am looking for, get it an out. when you go to a lowes, homedepot,ect. dont take the wife! woody