OK, no breaks here for the defendant. Any man that goes to a wedding with a woman for any reason is toast. She will look at the bride and groom, and you and her will be substituted in their place in her mind from then on. Dating is about sharing or making fun together, but weddings and funerals are about sharing emotionally significant events, something only done by those in a "relationship". In the same class of weddings and funerals rests family parties (birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, sibling's house parties), work parties or any other events that have some semblance of significance other than as a prelude to an evening of hot sex. Any and all requests for a date must be able to be turned down by such simple excuses as "I'm playing cards tonight, I'm hitting the sack early tonight, I'm drinking with the boys", or the infamous, "Nah, not tonight, I've got other plans" without further explanation.
As for the funeral thing, that's just plain old weak. No chance of sex, plenty of crying from everyone, misery on a colossal scale. That's like a total emotional commitment to go through something like that with someone, regardless of previous disclaimers.
The appeal is denied. Defendant is to remanded to the custody of the alleged girlfriend for long talks about the future and how he sees their role in it together. Sucker.

I do not come to defend myself. I come to fall on the sword. I violated code and knew better. As much as I despise having to take my beatings since I am the one that tends to give them out more harshly than anyone else in our group I deserve to take it when I step out of line. For education purpose let's review mistakes that were made. The worst sin that I committed was starting to date someone over the holidays. Never make that mistake. Their are too many parties to go to and the weather is bad so your not out doing the normal guy things to keep you in routine. Another mistake was that I forgot that a woman lacks the ability to hear what we say. They listen and then our words go through an interpretation mechanism that I have yet to figure out. Feelings are somehow involved in the interpretation of our words. When a man speaks we understand that when he says something is black it is black if he says it is white it is white. A woman will hear the same conversation and come out with gray. I forgot about this and believed that my words and the actions of not buying anything for Valentine's day would counteract going to the wedding. I will follow the courts ruling about the funeral but for the record my boy would have gotten CRUSHED by his wife and the girl I was dating had I not gone. I salvaged his weekend and I smoked cigars afterwards. Seeing the error of my ways and realizing that I opened Pandora's box the young lady is now out of the picture. I hit the eject button boys and have moved on, back to cigars, whiskey, poker, racing cars and No Drama. I hope that lessons can be learned from my mistakes. No dating during holidays, no funerals or weddings, no flavored cigars, avoid most blended whiskey's and remember you can't bluff an idiot. We can also learn that a women's ears are not for listening but there is a purpose and we should all know that and use that. I hope that my status has been redeemed and I can once again take the Captain's chair of being our foremost chauvinistic pig and leader of political incorrectness. Just call these lessons from the Trailer Park. (WWJWD)

Long live Plastic Pink Flamingo's

D.

Gotta agree with KC and TJ on this one. Weddings are brutal. Funerals are a dead-ringer. There are a few events that can be reviewed under Man Law but these two are inexcusable.

Whipped, zipped and shipped.

There are considerations here before a yes or no answer is ever uttered. Hence, the stock answer should be practiced over and over: "Honey that sounds great and I would love to be there with you. I should look at the calender to make sure there are no conflicts. Can I call you later?" Now you have a chance to recover from the emotional urge to vomit at the commitment trap and to consider which of your responses you will reveal.

Its most convenient when other plans force you away from the commitment trap, but maybe you may have become sloppy and revealed too much of your personal schedule or the date is so far in advance that only a weak last minute 'career determining' conflict can save you.

Maybe you have a last minute family emergencey that causes you to leave for anywhere right away.

Either of those responses will breed some kind of resentment on her part but are more preferrable to action number three. Number three action must only be used as a last resort as it will result in the most damage to the both of you.

Number three is the the implied threat of bad behavior. You should practice this in more controllable settings first and then learn to use it with more witnesses. It can damage anything in its path including your career, membership at the club, and your relationship with her.

Some of the highlights include drinking too much, hanging around with only your buddies at the event, flirting a little too much, bringing a TV to the event to watch a game, or feining such an illness that you are constantly running to the bathroom, or the drug store for medication.

The idea is to replace every instance where she can picture you as her committed man with one where she would prefer to gather more information on the matter. It is a crude technique, but one which can be learned to be used deftly. Good luck!

I am also in concurrence here, gentlemen. Men must approach women from THEIR perspective or risk triggering a feeding frenzy wherein he loses everything; including his mind...and sometimes other things. He must be fluent in two languages: One his, the other hers. Men are practical, literal, intellectual. Women are intuitive, emotional and often passive-aggressive. If a man says, "I like to watch tractors rip apart sidewalk," the woman next to him might take that as a clue that he has no interest in attending her friend's upcoming wedding with her simply because the metaphor of a tractor ripping something apart doesn't feel right in the context of a wedding. Next thing you know, he's in a full-blown brawl with her over something he doesn't even understand. This is the way of things with women, which is why men MUST understand the rules of the game. And don't even get me started on funerals, but suffice to say this is one of life's most complex events; particularly when in attendance with a woman. One must be superbly versed in woman-speak before going in...or risk coming out like the person you're there to remember.

I am also in agreement here, gentlemen.

Men must approach women from THEIR perspectives or risk triggering a feeding frenzy wherein he loses everything; including his mind…and sometimes other things. He must be fluent in two languages: One his, the other hers. Men are practical, literal, intellectual. Women are intuitive, emotional and often passive-aggressive.

If a man says, “I like to watch tractors rip apart sidewalk,” the woman next to him might take that as a clue that he has no interest in attending her friend’s upcoming wedding simply because the metaphor of a tractor ripping something apart doesn’t feel right in the context of a wedding. Next thing you know, he’s in a full-blown brawl with her over something he doesn’t even understand. This is the way of things with women, which is why men MUST understand BOTH LANGUAGES. And don’t even get me started on funerals, but suffice to say this is one of life’s most complex events; particularly when attending one with a woman you happen to be dating. One must be expertly versed in woman-speak before going in…or risk coming out looking like the person you’re there to remember.

The education system should immediately adopt curriculums that include decoding female communication.

Screw foreign languages.

This one’s a lot more foreign…and infinitely more important.

While I'm sure there is wisdom in the Trailer Park, it would need some serious interpretation to be properly understood. (Much like all things that exist outside the realm of "Man Law" or Reality for that matter)
Pink Flamingos and Vienna Sausage sandwiches aside, a case can be made and presented to the apellate court. The chances for success are slim and depend heavily on the character of the court at the time. Any man on the Man's Law court of appeals who has been married for longer than 6 months would be horribly biased. Still, one can steadfastly refuse to admit to being in a committed relationship to extreme degrees if one so chooses. An image comes to mind of a guy in his late 30s. He's walking through the mall with the honey he's been "dating" (we will sometimes call it "talking to") for some 6 years. They are each pushing one of the 3 children they share in a stroller while the whole "family" is wearing matching basketball jerseys and sneakers. Put him on the spot, he'll say he's not in a relationship. "Just got a good thing going right now." Ridiculous? Of course, but hey, you have to admire the guy for sticking with his belief.
In that situation, as with the PISD product in question, one of the Cardinal Rules of the Man's Law has been blatantly ignored; WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK YOUR BOYS. Let the fellas know you are going to a funeral or a wedding with the flavor of the hour. The collective head-shaking accompanied by the chorus of brethren exclaiming D'OH! should tell you something. Take heed. Especially, when there exist a few of us who live vicariously through you. You owe it to us, the somewhat happily married, and to all mankind, to respect the Man Law. Seek counsel from the guys, we won't steer you wrong. Unless of course it would be more fun. Either way, you wouldn't end up having to terminate an unwanted relationship. (After all, you do have the right to choose to be single.) Just remember the words of that philosopher from Long Beach, G's up Hos down!

In response to Jay's suggestion of teaching the language of women. I appreciate the good intentions, but I have to disagree. THE LANGUAGE OF WOMEN WILL NEVER, EVER MAKE SENSE. I don't know how you go about teaching a system of communication that has no basis in logic, no order, no begining, no end and no purpose save to prove women right. You definitely won't be able to teach it to those who struggle with the English language (see PISD). Let's be honest, female thought (if you can call it that) is only rational in the minds of delusional women and over the top firebrand gay men. You can't make sense out of feelings. And trying leads men into perilous situations such as that of my good friend David W, who thankfully is experiencing the gradual erosion of his Pasadena tendencies. Even if his so-called loophole was valid, it wouldn't make sense to a woman. A decent prosecutor would recognize that and such would be the death of an appeal. Unfortunately, the appellate court would likely rule on the side furthest away from reason. (Sound familiar?)

To recapitualte; G's up- premium whisky, late-night poker games, good cigars, better comraderie, red meat with breakfast, lunch, second breakfast, dinner and supper, remote controls and beer in bed.
Hos down- feelings, drama, funerals, weddings,emotion, flavored cigars and all things pink (excluding the flamingos, for now).

As always I remain,

IncogNegro

My brother has valid points, look at Jake. Two funerals and a wedding. Now in August he is having his own funeral and wedding all wrapped up in a pretty ivory package. Poor soul.

David, there are seldom times that your sister is right but when I say... "It doesn't matter what you say, your actions speak louder than words", I am usually right. You might not see me as a woman rather as your little sister; but all in all we have the same twisted minds.

The court of opinion has spoken, and defendant has been found guilty of violation of Man Laws. When your own sister calls you out, ya got a problem. This is such an open and shut case, we haven't even talked about other violations. A man, particularly a stridently single man, never brings a woman into his inner sanctum, his guy's hideaway, his clubhouse. That's for the "boys", sorta like bringing a woman to the poker game (remember "How To Lose A Man In 10 Days?", when she crashes his game?). David W. brought her into the Inner Sanctum, a more or less all-guys environment where guys solve all of the world's problems (except for the designated hitter issue) while smoking cigars, drinking good whiskey, and listening to the blues. He thought, "She knows I don't want a relationship, she knows where I stand, I'll just stop by and see my boys", but she heard, "Wow, he's bringing me in to his Inner Sanctum, revealing his real self. I'm getting INSIDE. He must really like me". Poor guy didn't even understand why all 30 of them burst out in laughter when he walked in one day with her, as it was all too clear to everyone that he was toast by his own doing.

What did his sister say? "Actions speak louder than words" to the twisted mind of a woman?

The good news is, he has good company, as we all have been there before, with that glazed over look in our eyes as we realize that we've done ourselves in. Women wonder why we work so hard to keep them at arms length, as it's a battle they all expect us to lose. A wedding, hanging out at the clubhouse, followed by a funeral. At least he didn't take her to a jewelry store to "just look around".

You are found in violation of all sections of Man Law relating to Relationships, Women, and Survival. Reread Man Law, buy all of your buds a cigar and crack a bottle of Scotch, and promptly get out of jail...providing you don't violate your probation and bring any more dates into the Ring.

This may be a sight for men, but we all need a woman at night. No matter how powerful a man might think he is, he is nothing without a woman to sleep with. Unless you are a homo, women rule this world with what they have hidden behind that thong.